Untitled Benedictus

Whirl-wind, still alive

2010-10-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm alive. Whirl-wind.

A Letter from Angry/Jealous Bachelor.

2010-03-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

[This is been a topic of my meditation for some time now. Every time I visit this topic, it gives me some heavy does of heart burn...I've decided to write it in the form of a letter to my dear female audiences of one, or two, I don't know, you ladies out there tell me if you think I'm finally had it and gone haywire or to the woods...and men, too, I guess...let me know if I was right or this is just totally off the board. This is very much rambling and venting methinks...]

Dear girl in the noodle shop,

So I took a sick day off re-couping, after a real bad cold/flu/what-have-we, eating my noodle in my favorite noodle shop in town before heading home to rest. And here I saw this couple sitting across from each other at table. The girl tried to remove the guy's headphone attempting to get him back to the world of people. And the guy proceeded to grope the girl. And the girl, of course, fends the weary tentacle from her. But she pretends nothing has happened and kept talking and joking with the guy.

What the #*&!!? Something is wrong with this picture, and I'm sure the steam is not from the noodles...

In fact, this is not some far off strange and ridiculous scene! I've seen this at various events and venues, not just my favorite noodle house. I've seen it at parties (both kinds - yes, shocking!), airports, libraries, parks, cars (some of which were feats quite dangerous), and, well, a lot of places. And the actors and actresses of these revolting theatrical productions of infatuation can often be the most innocent and the least suspecting of these actions! In fact, this is a common scene I've seen across the two lands and cultures, or perhaps they are one of the same, namely this culture of instant gratification and lust! The situation usually goes like this: guy literally gropes the girl (hands where they shouldn't be or words that should not be said) -- doesn't matter where and who's around -- and girl trying to fend off these attacks whilst pretending nothing is happening. It behooves me as to why the girls in each of these stories don't just slap the guy and walk away? What do they have to lose but some guy who have not understand the meaning of their action? Or worst guys that deliberately do such things?

These scenes brings great anger and injustice to my heart. Many a good girl, some even of good family backgrounds that I know of, fell prey to these subtle but most disgusting violations, yet they tolerate them! Where are the man to stand up and say it is wrong? And why aren't the woman standing up to protection themselves from being used? Where is the justice in all this for the people who are saving their body for the consummation in the sacrament of marriage? Preposterous! Outrageous!

Are women today so desiring of intimacy and a body to cling to that they are willing to forgo some of the most subtle and yet essential dignity of their body? Are they so wanting that even a counterfeit like of love would do to fill that void? Lying to themselves that at least they have someone, unlike some loser who never had a significant other that will never understand? Or do they think they can fix these little things through some sort of ritual and body wash? Or are these men as much as some handsome and cute play toys that can be thrown away when done, when the fun and excitement is no more? Is this revenge for those years of boys throwing rock at girls at school did? Or is it plain naifety on the part of the girl mistaking these pro-action boys for some sort of knights in shining armor on a white horse?

Where did all of this strife come from? It is so subtle, some couples never even notices it before they broken up! Some only come to the realization afterwards and rationalizes the break up with it. And guys mostly just don't know what they are doing, or don't care. Although there are real dangerous "gamers" out there who preys on women through schemes and deceit. But their numbers are few and woman are generally smarter if not more noticing of it. Problem then, is, why do things still play out the way it is across the world like this?

The great Pope John Paul II said that the body reveals God to others in his work of the theology of the body. Hullo? What part of letting your boyfriend or boy friend touching all over you is revealing the love of God? And what part of groping your girlfriend or girl friend inappropriately reveals God in you? What part of all this is true friendship and dying to self? Dating is suppose to be a time to get to know your friend and grow together to know God better and to serve God better. It is really a time to serve each other and to discern if marriage is a mutual vocation to each other. It is a time to let the light of Christ to shine forth, and not hiding it in the closet -- Aha, the irony of many of our many modern relationships. Many try to be away from the preying eyes of our friends and family, lest they JUDGE us (oooo~~!). Or point fingers, that could be quite stress inducing. So we hop in our cars and get away to other places where there are many strangers and other couples who are permissive or indifferent to these behaviors! But true friendship that tends towards God and showing the light of Christ should engage us -- in every sense of the word -- to the works of God. To share that joy of friendship of knowing God, through our friendships to mirror that friendship. We should be engaged with our community around us, our church, our neighbors, and our mutual families. Some puppy love stored in the bedroom of the boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't really show any bit of that -- however non-bad things-ish (pardon the aphasia, fighting a cold at the moment) it is.

Now some might say that they'll grow out of it. "Ah, boys will be boys". Well then, they'll stay as boys and never man! And it is precisely these times when they're all closeted and hiding from everyone that is highly suspect! They may genuinely nothing to be suspicious of in their activity, but the isolation and behavior of these couples gives the two false impression about dating; that it is all just a game of fun and that if anyone gets hurt, it is because they're not doing something right -- and that is for sure, but not the first part; or that it somehow is some sort of trial marriage like a test drive when buying a car (that you want to see each other everyday and every possible moment with the irony that we don't want to many people to know). Both attitudes are wrong and are false statements we make with our body to our significant others. One is of using the other to satisfy ourselves. And the other is a false counterfeit of pretend marriage and partaking in something that truly belongs in the sacrament of matrimony.

Haven't you ever known a couple that started dating quite humbly and not trying to hide everywhere lest someone/friends/family finds out, and everything that they do seem to flow just like a snap of a finger and seem to be so prayerful and beautiful? Haven't you ever seen an elderly couple that are so invigorating that seeing their presence together brings joy and energy into your life? Sure they might be all wrinkly and shaking because of season, but somehow they inspire that love through the beauty of their relationship? Do you see them groping each other? Or say cunning things to each other? They are not afraid to show their love to the world, but neither are they joint at the butt with the kind of diabetes-inducing infatuation that we see all too often on street corners. It is the firm and solid kind of love that inspires us. The kind of love that lovers lay down their lives for each other! Through thick and thin and not just for a moment of pleasure. And you never see these Great Women having to fend off attacking tentacles from their Counterparts. Nor do you ever see these Great Man ever do her wrong (unlike the subject of some country songs we hear all day)!

A really good friend told me couple years ago about how she loved to look at old people, of all their wrinkles and aged hands and faces, of how she fancied those years by-gone and how good a lover that they must have been. Lover in the real sense, and not this counterfeit the world gives you. I had wished then that I realized how true and noble of an aspiration it was of her. And how through the years, oh my heart bleeds, longing and searching for friendship enduring, and Alas! to my bitter disappointment of these horrid theatre of falsity and pretend plays!

My dear women, there are real men out there who are waiting with respect who will treat you with dignity. Just slap the guy real hard, stomp on their foot, and walk out! Dump them! Take them off of your speed dial for the last time! Don't let anyone trample on your dignity! Lastly, dump those guys who have not a clue what marriage is about, who thinks with their many appetites and not their brain. There are plenty of good fish in the water. Don't go where the sharks bite. And when in doubt, use a taser or a laser, but don't let them bite!

Lovingly, your brother in Christ,

TMH

N.B.: If I have given the minute implication that dating is quaint and boring sort of questionnaire and answer, all prim-and-proper, let me correct that false impression. Dating can be fun and exciting, but it is no mere game. It is a SERIOUS! business of discernment of the soul! If you went on a date without thinking about what love really is and pray about it, then that is carelessness and imprudent, if not out right irresponsible! And I'm suddenly reminded of an image of hide and seek. It was this Woman who offered her Man this really tasty fruit that she found on this tree in this garden that they are taking care of. And when the Man found out that that's the one fruit that they were not suppose to eat of the whole Garden, he freaked and started hiding. Actually they both started hiding. The first thing people do when they make a mistake is to try to hide it or cover it up. Put it away in a closet or a drawer and never to be opened or re-visited until punishment and doom looms nigh. And then we find excuses and scapegoats. And then perhaps it will simply disappear...it's not that the fruit is bad, remember, everything is good (read the Book and you'll see). What makes things bad is precisely because they are bent. Or as theologians like to put it this way, "evil is the the privation of a due good". Against, Love and Responsibility (aha! a certain Great Pope wrote about this subject extensively with that exact title -- if it was not to give us hint of this great subject!) are so intertwined, forget one you forget the other! In the name of Love is also in the name of Responsibility!

N.B. 2.: Close analysis to follow for sure!

When Doing A Lot Becomes Doing Not-A-Lot.

2010-01-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

Over the lunch break, I had a conversation with my coworker about our weekend. And I shared with him my experience this weekend, the preaching that I've heard, and how I have come to hear Jesus and moves forward in my life. I wanted to live life to the fullest. I do not want to be hold back by things in my life. I desired the joys of loving God because He is my God. And it is funny how everything this weekend was like God speaking to me and helping me to reflect on what I must do to live my life right now to the fullest. And at its conclusion I've understood that right now I am only beginning to see the single state of life that I'm in. That is the fruit in front of me and I have not appreciated it much. In any case, our conversation lead us down to a discussion about sometimes how people can take on a lot of responsibilities and duties, but end up overloading themselves. And it sort of becomes an escape from reality. An escape from having to actually carry out conversations with God and with each other.

And we both have seen or heard people at our different churches that take up huge amounts of responsibilities, but end up being burned out; or using all the activities as excuses to not having to answer to their family or home life. Now, how the single state of life relates to all of this is that as much as I am single, I still need very much the time to spend with God and spend with the people around me. That's on reason why I have not been very energetic or motivated to any of my ministry. Because I only see the work and not the people. I serve, but if not another, then I've served for serving's end. And that is not meaningful.

It's about the people, their story, and their lives. But if I'm busy running around to all sorts of things and not have time to spend with good friends, who may on certain days be how God is speaking to us, how can I be nourished fully?

It reminds me of St. Paul's letter about how if a person have so much faith as to move mountains, but did not love. That is all for naught. Or how the Devil knows so much, yet if he does not adore God, he is for but naught. Same goes to those of us who have lots of knowledge of faith. To much more is given, much is demanded, just like in the parable of the talents. But it is not how much we've acquired, but how much we live heroically, against all odds, and generously, against our wants, on what we know. Then will we really have loved.

And this can be a call for us to slow down and look around us. And really learn about who I am and who God is, instead of the false humility of being Chinese Modest or the non-humility of arrogance in trying to save the world all by myself.

This is a battle cry for souls. This is the moment where we charge, to the gates of hell!

For Friendship!
For Jesus!
For God!

TMH

Lady Farewell.

2010-01-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

[This song is dedicated to my friends Debbie and Janessa. I thought I take my life and write a song about it. And I have not written the melody of this song yet. I guess I might borrow parts of the Lady Come Down song from "On the Importance of Being Earnest" for the bridge...so imagine something for now. Note that I've borrowed a verse from Oscar Wilde's "Serenade", so I don't claim that I've done all original work].

I'm setting my sail, and I'm going to sea.
And I'll carry my unrequited love
where the Wind takes me
to places yet unreached and people I've not met.

Lady goodbye, 'cause I've set sail
Lady farewell, hope we'll meet again soon.
Lady my love, see you on the next shore.

And don't you worry where I'd be,
'cause in no time we'll all be at heaven's shore
Once again to see, each other to embrace.
Until then, I'm sure, God's mighty Wind
Will do Its work and put us to shore between sea and sea.

Lady goodbye, 'cause I've set sail
Lady farewell, hope we'll meet again soon.
Lady my love, see you on the next shore.

True love is but a woman's toy,
They never know the lover's pain,
And I who loved as loves a boy
Must love in vain, must love in vain.

Goodbye, Goodbye!

Lady goodbye, 'cause I've set sail
Lady farewell, hope we'll meet again soon.
Lady my love, see you on the next shore.

TMH

Friendship.

2010-01-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

[I read this article a while back and shared it with my youth group during adoration and here's my own reflection on it.]

When we have all died, and when the curtain of this world has finally come to a close; when we, though exhausted, finally makes to heaven's shore; and when God's face we finally see. Won't we be glad that all of our friends are standing right there next to us. Our buddies, our family, and our loved ones? And I think it would be no surprise that those that were our friends but whom whether through circumstances beyond our control or through our own careless faults have drifted away or become awry should be there standing by our side, in their glorified bodies.

To desire otherwise, either we or our lost friends did not make it to heaven. And would I not pray for my lost friends so that I may reunite with them in heaven? Would I be so close of heart to desire someone to be not in heaven? How does that merit heaven for me? Nay I say! And that's why I pray for all those that I've hurt and those that our friendship have withered due to various things, that if on earth they are unrecoverable, may God grant them the graces unbeknowest to me and the reunion finally in heaven.

Knowing that, I may move forward from all sorts of hardship and breakups or fall aways. And knowing that, I move forward loving all my friends, and give them my best.

TMH

Blessing Untitled.

2009-10-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

[I meant to have written this article for some time now, but the words just did not come to me. After the trialling times of the first half of this year, this is a abbreviated summary of my current state of mind, where my disillusions and hopes are intoned; be if of help to you, my dear reads, is my hope and prayer.]

Sometimes, blessings comes as a sure norm. They come from our friends and sources where we know that good will come. And it is often a joyous moment that levitates our spirit and heart. We know what they are: payday after a week of hard work; much needed sleep after three days of no sleeping working on projects; or simply a vacation from all the duties that we have to fulfill in our daily lives. But blessings also comes from unexpected and sometimes unnamed sources. These are the struggles that we go through, the trials and firefights of our lives, that sometimes show us indeed what we, and those around us, are made of. It brings to the forefront our very characters, our humiliating flaws, and our hopes for the day to come. And as Christians, all these trials and struggles witnesses to the world of the call to be perfect and to strife for the life eternal. To do our best and yet still fail sometimes, and to realize that by our prowess alone we cannot attain perfection. Only by the grace of God, Who through Christ strengthens us, may all be possible.

Untitled blessings are those trialling times that we cannot name at first when we are place, but only later to realize as a blessing. It may be a breakup with a friend; or lost of a parent; or failing of a class; or losing a job; or betrayals by people close to you; these and many more, we must receive with humility and open arms with all our might with unwavering resolve to work with. That is the Christian calling. To bear all things with faith, hope, and love -- that one day, our Might God will deliver us. And one day, we will behold His beautiful countenance in heaven, without fear and without shame. Knowing that even in trials, we forget not to praise our Heavenly Father's Name. Knowing that His angels and saints are praying for us, right behind us to comfort us and urges us to move forward. To stand back up and to move forward. To regroup after a failed offensive in battle -- knowing that this battle has already been won in eternity. Crying tears of pain and sorrow -- of loneliness and heartaches; of being lost and confused; and of fear and uncertainty -- but knowing that the arms of Jesus is ever here to embrace; to soothe us in that we might go forth and love and to serve all those we meet.

And to echo those words of our Lord and Master:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the Kingdom is theirs;

Blessed are sorrowful for they shall be consoled;

Blessed are the merciful for mercy shall be theirs;

Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God;"

No matter how big that pain is. No matter how much the lost is. And no matter how inconceivability of hope there be. There is hope. Like Lucy's whisper calling out to Aslan atop Dawn Threader. This hope is not something, but Somebody! And His Name is Jesus. Precious Jesus in the arms of our Blessed Mother, in whose youth the great "Yes" she said. In great love and faith, she embraced the One Hope that humanity has and will ever have -- God Incarnate -- to deliver us from this exile and this fallen state.

Therefore, the Church sings and proclaims in joy on Easter morn:

"O Happy Fault, O Necessary Sin of Adam, for which has won for us so great a Redeemer."

We, Christians, are an Easter people. Living in the hopes of the Resurrected Christ, Crucified Jesus, true God and true Man. For this new purpose that we live. Everything else is blessing poured forth upon blessing -- extravagantly overflowing. Such is the Love of God and such is our Hope.

So we rejoice with Mother Church, exalting in our triumphant victory by which death is handed its death knell whilst life triumphant. We are an Easter people. Our hope is in the Lord and let's help each other and remind each other of this Good News, of joy, of sorrow, of beauty, of pain, but of life everlasting.

TMH

N.B. Make no mistake about it, we are still human, and of our failings there will be many, known and unknown. Only with the help of the grace of God through the ministry of the Church, which Jesus instituted, may we follow a sure path to which the victory is won. That means picking up those of our mistakes and bearing those of other's faults and make life blossom in the field of time with lots of tears and songs.

New Year Resolution 2009.

2009-01-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

Firstly, Happy New Year to any readers I have out there...

I don't usually like to put up resolutions for new years...usually I don't have much good stuff. But I have been reflecting on my weaknesses this past year and I hope to improve upon it through this year's resolutions.

1. See the sunrise at least once every month, attempt to do it for a whole week if possible, and then go to morning Mass before work.

2. Put to practice more of love through all my responsibilities. That means work promptly and joyfully even when I see no love or end of it. Also means apologizing and making up for deficiencies and failures when I have not done so.

3. Clean out my high school and college stuff, re-organize home. [Probably will be a late year project].

4. Try to find beauty everyday and thank God for it.

TMH

The Trek World / Gundam SEED

2008-11-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

One of my lesser known hobbies is sci-fi and the contemplation of the future of humanity. Through the science fiction series of Star Trek and Gundam SEED universe, the writes wishes to explore what happens when...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/10/30/designer.babies/index.html

And it is beginning to look very much that our very own reality is turning into what the sci-fi writers few decades ago have only imagined. Perhaps that is one of those things that draws people to the sci-fi genre, for its seemingly tangible reach. And some of these writers have gotten their vision and basis of story quite accurately.

In the Star Trek Universe, according to Star Trek Enterprise and Star Trek: First Contact, after the WWIII and the Eugenics War, earth was devastated. And in the story of Gundam SEED, the story took place in the middle of what could be called WWIII and a Eugenics War between the genetically modified "Coordinators" and "Naturals".

One thing is certain between the two science fiction timeline and storyline. Humans begin to experiment with genetic modification and creates designer babies, Khan in Star Trek's story and Kira Yamato in Gundam SEED's story. There were in both stories struggles with suffering -- oh yes it could happen even if a child is genetically engineered to be as perfect as they can be, never-being-sick, super-intellect, super-strength, and super long life not withstanding. They could also be the most ordinary and pure child growing up, or they could be posterchild of "modern technological advances", a celebratiy of sorts, they will still experience the human condition as we know of it. And the people around them are certainly going to be going through similar experiences as well. In fact, for them in one hand, it will be harder for than to grasp what everyone else is going through and on the other hand it could breed contempt. Obviously, they'll no doubt suffer from prejudices and violences due to their differences and no doubt from people with envy and hatred.

We as the current generation of human beings should really consider if we want to walk down that path. Technological progression is good but not in all sense, and having our technology dictate our moral is a definite no-no. When we take the future solely into our own hands, reaching out grasping as Adam and Eve did in the Garden...

It is the propagation of our specie that we're talking about here...a most sacred and primordial duty and calling of our nature! That and working with the sweat of the brows for our food.

When we take the man and the woman out of the marriage, when our children are no longer born of a gentle mother's womb and a loving father's care, where would the capstones of our civilization rest on? And, when the dismantling of the human family is complete, where would a people lost in the stars, void of their Origin, Family, and Creator traverse? When we have finally reached the final frontier, would we be standing as who we are or just a product of our own vices?

Need I to say that when Pax Romana reached its height of moral decay, it crumbled. And when an Empire ruled its subject colonies with contempt, they revolt thus ending the Empire where the Sun Never Sets. I hope this critical year of 2008 marked with the election in the United States will not bring us over the top of Pax Americana with our own moral decay with FOCA, same-sex marriage/union/whatever "laws", and "hate crime" laws on the table in the next four years to come. Fr. Caropi says it well, "We're in a crisis of manhood...man of leadership". This is the time that we need to stand up for Truth, to affirm Beauty, and to move in Love.

- TMH -

Good Bye Good Stop, and Hello Next Stop.

2008-06-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

In the past year, I think I've said so many good byes that I'm beginning to notice them! And the crazy thing is, I really don't want to say good byes. One of my favorite St. Peter moments is on the Mount of Transfiguration when Moses and Elijah came to see our Blessed Lord. And dear St. Peter said to our Blessed Lord, "why don't we make three tents, one for Moses, one for Elijah, and one for You." Of course, our good Peter did not know what he was talking about. But he knows as well as any others, a good friend's stay, not to mention when the Law and Prophets came to stay, what joyous occasion!

Many things has happened in the past few months since the new year, and I'm sure many more will happen, and amidst all God's guiding hand is upon us. Whether we get to hang out with our friends tomorrow, or whether that program you're working on at work is going to be finished. Or even how it might be so quiet and lonely when everybody leaves for vacation in far away or fun places. All is in God's hands. All we can do is to do what we can today, enjoy today, live today, to the fullest of our strength -- even if you have to live it in tears, enjoy it -- 'cause tomorrow come and it be gone.

I think through separation, distance, and the unknown, God teaches us to treasure those moments of intimacy, gatherings, and the constant. To treasure, but not to linger on. Most definitely not intoxicated and fallen asleep at the stop, even if it is a Good Stop. Fr. Bob Scott used to say every semester, a homily call the Good Stop. I think my new lesson to is that when we finally reached the end of the stop, we have to be resolve and ready to say Good Bye to our friends at the Good Stop. To walk down literally that path leading to the next stop -- the next step into life. We are a people living in temperance. Can't have chocolate all the time, but when we do, we savor it -- but we do not splurge nor binge. Same thing with friendship and relationships. Although we all wonder what the Communion of the Saints is like when we finally have passed into the next life, I think we can get glimpses of it here on earth when we hang out with our friends. It is of course, so much more awesome in heaven.

I think I've had a lot of lesson on saying Good Bye this year so far. And the chimney on the train have just whistled the departing tone. I await for the vehicle to once again visit this place where all of us are together again. Some of you I might not see for a very long time, have a good trip and enjoy, I'll see you around. But for those I'll be seeing and possibly bugging for the next while, well, I'll see you then.

I'm rambling. My point being though, I feel like God has given me so much good byes in this first half of the year, and so much moments of closeness and moments of distance, so much struggles, and so much peace of mind, so much pain and yet so much comfort, so much unknown yet so much constant presence. In transit, I await for tomorrow and the next Good Stop. This time, I will bring my camera and my beads. It will be a good time -- in God's time.

Si Dios Quiere Mis Hermanos, ...Si Dios Quiere.

p.s. I was not going to write this entry, hence of my obvious rambling state of mind. But after reading Reuben's Adventure in Mexico entry, I felt drawn to finally write these thoughts down. After such a long time since my last posting. Well, hopefully I ain't confused too many of ya'll yet.

TMH

A Love Poem Only in Christ.

2008-05-04T01:18:00.001-07:00

[Poem written on a Saturday in late April, on a day that I've forgotten when; however foolish and terrible writing this letter/poem will sounds, it speaks of my heart true at this moment, however "intense" it dost come off as. I edited it and decided to post it, because to whom I love: Thou I still do love! (and it's not exactly easy trying to be a friend true and growing attractions to defuse)]

Miss you I do, my sister and my love,
In this day that you were gone, I only wish you were here.

I kept thinking of the day you would depart
For the Heavenly King's Marriage Feast as the bride.
Do you know how many tears of men would be shed for you?
My sister, my love, know you the bitter sweet tears?
Know you the tears that hurts worst than a punch in the face?

Alas, I wish you were here, my sister, my love.
From the spinach in the tomato sauce
To the flours, the sweet flours on the tendered chicken breasts,
Only serves to remind me of
The tender love of your persistence -- that inflaming love --
Which opened a window for a door that God has closed for me.

I was naught and I was almost gone in my puny little raft,
And by God's grace, you I met.

My feelings I could not explain,
But my sister, oh my love,
This love that I see you live -- e'er change my stony heart.

From the edge of the abyss I saw you, thanks and praise be to God.
To you I trek, looking for the fervent heart, and
My heart attracts still to your flaming heart!

I've once asked you my sister, how this flame of love you've sustained,
For so long and enduring it has so burned?

"Only in Christ," were your response.

And I thought whether this puny ship of mine
Can coast along with yours for a bout
For it seems that other lands I must sail,
to see, to calm, and to find...
'Til "Only in Christ" dost my heart burn.

But Oh how my heart burst with pain
When I see you not, My sister and my love!

Today I sit and taught children to write and to play,
Though sank my smitten heart, deep down under the wooden plank.
Every thread and every step that I touch and tread,
The more I've missed you, my sister and my love!

And so my prayer will this day be --
For you my sister and love:

"Only in Christ" may you love;
And to the man that you will come to love
"Only in Christ" may he thee find...
"Only in Christ" may he thee find!

And may our Blessed Mother this friendship of ours,
Even though we may part in ways, bless and guard,
'Til in heav'n our King and Love at last we see.

Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus,
O Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now,
At death and until forever more.

Amen.

TMH

Prayer to my Shepherd.

2008-05-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

Love is a choice. And to love sometimes may not feel good. Sometimes it means that I will have to give up something I like doing. And sometimes love will mean that I have to remind myself to not expect anything in return, because true love is a gift. If you give a person a gift expecting them to give back in return, in other words with the intention, whether conscious or not, then your end is not love of another, but yourself. I think it is sometimes very difficult growing up in the Chinese culture where when one receives something, one is expected to give back, like a barter or a trade. Further, somehow in my growing experience, it has always been that I've expected something for everything -- but in life, that is not so. Sometimes I think one is simply called to give, called to love to put plainly -- no ulterior motives or intentions. Therefore Love is a choice on the person that commits it. And I think it is also important lesson that I have been trying to grasp is the fact that there are also a proper time for everything. You cannot want for another person, even if you think it will benefit them. No, all too often I desired to give of myself, and I realize I have become this intense and up-tight person that I try to avoid. Crazy thing is, there seems to be better suitable person to render assistance, or to give the proper opinion, or to do this or do that. And I have not quite found my niche in the area of giving myself.

I guess I really long for the opportunity to give of myself, who doesn't? Those kids that commits sin are merely people who desires some sort of real goods but tricked by the wicked snares of the devil to the counterfeit goods. And I can't say I never did fell for it neither. But knowing that what I seek is beyond the counterfeit, beyond myself, I desire, I pine, and I long for the day when I realize my call on this earth, that moment when I can completely, freely, and whole heartedly to give my entire being! O How happy would that day be?

Though I shall wander the valley of death,
No evil will I fear, for thou art at my side.
Thy rod and staff my comfort and my hope.

My Lord, my shepherd, thou hast come whilst I was asleep on the shore. And thou hast call me to Thy banquet though I be plain and unworthy. O How happy was I to see Thee, to hear Thy firm and comforting voice. In my sleep, thou hast called me; thou my Shepherd, Thou art my light. How can I give Thee myself? How can I give Thee my love? Where wouldst Thou have me? Where could I love? And whence shall I pass so to see Thy sweet countenance?

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Though all I want, is someone to love. Not my way, nor my will, but Thine my Lord, my Shepherd.

TMH

Ave Maria, gratia plena...

Spiritual Diet.

2008-04-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

Often times I hear people make remarks about finding that retreat high on the way back or the feeling of missing the retreat on Sunday on the way home. A spiritual retreat is suppose to recharge us and ready us to go back to the real world and live as Christ has commended us to. I think it is no coincidence that these retreat highs and lows corresponds to the pattern by which some of these friends that I've heard making such remarks about the rise and fall of their life. But it is suppose to be like that?

Let's take an analogy of our life as a journey, both physically and spiritually. We are growing everyday as we eat and drink physically. From childhood to teenage years, then to adulthood. So it is with our spiritual life. And on our journey we may choose to go this way or another, or to stop and check out one place over another. And God leads people into our lives and interact with us, to engulf us in His Mystical Body. And there are places that we go, some "good stops", sort to speak, to re-align and re-focus our lives towards serving God and each other. It is a fact that we know that we cannot simply stay at the "good stop" forever, we have to move on to continue the journey. Though while at the good stop, we ought to take our time and give praise and thanksgiving in appreciation to God.

One other important aspect of this journey, be it physical or spiritual, is food. In the physical world, there's a saying that one needs bread to live. And according to our Blessed Lord, "man do not live on bread alone". Our spiritual life requires food. We eat every day, some of us more fortunate to eat more meals, and it is more or less a matter depending on economics and well, ability to acquire food for meals. For it is the condition that we were set when our fore-parents left the Garden of Eden in their grievous fault. Fortunately for us, our spiritual food, is blessed from on high, that it is given to us, as the Manna of the Old Testament days. When our Blessed Lord gave us His Body and His Blood, and commended us to eat of it, He gave us the means to sustain our spiritual journey.

So, let us take a look at this analogy again. We got many people who goes to Mass every Sunday and perhaps one more day during the week when their youth group meets, and even then, maybe, just maybe, go to Mass and receive Communion. And for many of us, sometimes the Sacrament of Reconciliation is done monthly? Yearly? Or worst, sporadically in our lives! I recognize the fact that confession must be made out of free will and contrite heart, well, that is the more matter worthy of our consideration! Here are some ways by which God's Grace flows through and into the physical world, also known as "sacraments", and it is for us to receive, if we are willing and make an effort to prepare and appreciate it. And taking it to the analogy, we are journeying, from one place to another, but we only eat every Sunday, and maybe sometimes one more time during the week, and maybe one or two more additional days during the year (that may or may not be on the same day as the other dates mentioned). Well, I think the picture I've painted is one who has eating problem, if we were talking about physically eating. But so it is with the case with our of spiritual diet.

It is important to note though, that eating too much, gluttony, or a disrespect thereof, of food, is a bad thing. So it is in the spiritual sense. The lack of appreciation, the waste thereof, of the Graces that we are given is gluttony indeed! So as there is balance with eating in the physical sense, there is also a balance for each of us in our diet on our spiritual journey.

It is not nearly enough to eat every Sunday! Much more reckless and irresponsible to eat sporadically, or only on holidays! Eating physically is pleasurable because it satisfy our hunger, so it is with spiritual food for it satisfies our spiritual hunger and thirst. And I suspect the "highs" we get from retreats is because of all the Graces that God had poured forth in the spiritual banquet, not only to recharge us, but also to provide us with the necessary means to establish new habits of spiritual diet that we may gain new ways by which our relationship with Him is strengthened, re-enforced, and supported. Basically, new habits by which we can firmly, as we go forth from our retreats to face the challenges of the world, to pray unceasingly as our breath is, and to love arduously as our Blessed Lord did crucified on the Cross.

And it would be indeed a waste of God's Grace to feast on the banquet and leave without taking the lunch packs He has prepared for us to take on our journey! Well, What kind of diet are you on? Are you on a spiritual diet to gain support and satisfaction of your spiritual hunger? Or are you on a spiritual diet that would lead you to starvation of the soul? Don't binge spiritually, but eat and drink in spirit and in truth regularly so that you may live in the light!

TMH

St. Martha, pray for us!

Retrospect 2007.

2008-04-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

[There are some things not particularly mentioned, especially my Awakening experiences, which probably will have its own article some time in the future soon...]

I know it's April, but I guess it takes time to really think about the past. I just spend two hours cleaning out my gmail inbox, about 200-300 email exchanges each at least 5-12 levels deep of conversation regarding on to organize and execute the Chinese Catholic Exchange retreat. And then the rest of it are prayer requests from Awakening listserv, and the other big chunk is articles from Fr. Au, and of course, there's lots of homework, labs, and school-related stuff.

Well, looking back at the year 2007, I've done a lot of things, good and bad, and as part of a three year progress since 2005, when I moved out of the dorms, in the year 2008, I think I've finally started again to come to realize the importance of my spiritual life, with new found areas in community, fellowship, and friendship. The year 2007 was kind of a struggling year for me. And this year so far, first quarter gone, has been a lot of sweeping changes and reverting backs, in addition to new areas of work that needs to be done.

I vaguely remember all the events that befall in 2007, but CCX #3, my trip to Taiwan, the purgatory of Senior design project, May Fever, joining the Lambdas, Graduation, and Christmas Chill are few of the most notable and memorable, if not shaping experience of my life. I think any of the listed event could easily occupy pages and pages. I guess I would like to pick a few of these things and very briefly describe what happened and its implications to my life at this moment.

Beginning of the Year
To be honest, I do not remember what happened in the month prior to May of 2007. I think I've lived in a zombie state, dealing with papers, exams, and what-not. I just remember doing a ton of research on robotics, and spend a lot of time outside Dr. Valvano's office, or in his office. Hazy...

Purgatory of Senior Design Project (Spring 2007)
The school year really kicked in fast when I decided to do a project on anthropomorphic multi-robot system, to see whether my technical skills actually equates to what I know. I guess I really wanted to hurt myself or something. But my intention was to figure out how much stuff I've learned and how much of it can I apply? I intended to find a partner in this project, but ended up doing it alone... There was a lot of struggle and mistrust of partners since my break up in EE 345L, and some of my EE 345M time hasn't been good in constructing more permanent partnership, although we still remain good friends (?).

I did not complete the project. My TA was a control systems specialist, but he knows very little about embedded systems and constructing robots. Not exactly the right situation. And I was doing the project as an honors project, so no supervising professor, just a sponsoring professor. Well, I was able to complete most of the mechanical parts, and putting them together, I tell you, it's not very professional looking. Could have used some ME partners and some freshmen metal shop time helps. And in addition, there are tons of paper to write and revise.

I got really depressed pretty soon, in addition to unfriendly working environment at the ENS. I had to carry all my projects around, and no one ever told me we could store our project at the ENS! The enormity of the project on the technical and emotional level simply overwhelmed me. That and in addition to having to cook and participate and try to have a social life, or try to be active in my spiritual life -- simply flooded me. Some days I try my best to work on it, but most of the time, I've lost my passion for my studies.

I am still very bitter to this day of those projects that are simple, some of them are recreated power lab projects...but I do have to admit, some of the projects are simple, but supremely brilliant and original. And this experience has been an extreme humble pie for me. But I didn't set out to get A in this class. I wanted a realistic and honest evaluation of my engineering skills and knowledge. And I got my answer. I passed -- barely. And this experience has been quite hindering to my job search right now, been having problem giving myself enough confidence to step out and present myself. But it's in the works.

May Fever
Very long story, and there is little point of me going into detail. But some of my lifelong struggles carried into a level of unchecked and unbalanced life. Basically, between the senior design project and this, my life is torn in parts. And I continued to struggle with this problem, but more in the open and more in actions than just thoughts and temptations. I've since this new year been praying for transformation and conversion of my soul and trying to understand the reason of this struggle and it has gotten a lot better. But it continued throughout the year until Christmas.

CCX #3
I remember two ago, on Sunday after CCX #2, we ate at Golden Corral. During the course of the meal, a lot of the organizers gathered at one table talking about the next CCX, well, and there are some of us were simply left out of the discussion. Actually, if I had said anything, it probably would not have amounted to much anyways, most of what I say makes little sense. So I intently did not wish to do anything about it.

I begin to hear information about the retreat near April or May-ish. I didn't like the theme to be honest...I remember speaking to myself, "Who would pick the theme because there's a song that goes by the same line?" I mean, wow, might as well, just open up the Bible randomly and drop a pen! But I guess the Holy Spirit was indeed moving through the minds of our youth. This theme of "Here I Am, Lord" re-appears in the rest of the year numerous times, and even at Youth 2000 this year. That's another day's story.

I reluctantly decided to help, and really what's going through my mind was that, I will need the authority to actually do things and not a mere puppet or spokesperson. Unfortunately I'm very controlling. I knew in my mind what I need to implement and what kind of resources I would need to gather, and who I need to have doing what. I've been thinking about it since that day at Golden Corral. After all, J Pai had really did it when she used the STRONG format for CCX. I felt I could improve upon it, and go back to the spirit of the Cursillo, aka Awakening, and really bring out the Chinese Catholic experience. I guess I was thinking of a fusion of Longhorn Awakening and the Chinese Catholic Exchange. The retreat/camp is intended to foster discussion and contemplation of what it means to be Chinese, Catholic, and living in America. It was not necessarily restricted to those of Chinese descent or speakers, but also for those ministering or associated with the Chinese Catholic community in the US. And most of us are not very familiar with each other to say the least. And from my experience with staffing Awakening, my hunch is that they need this spirit of the unknown and the spirit of Awakening to really drive up the level of involvement to even begin to foster any sort of discussion.

Well, it is still a humbling pie experience, there were a ton of objectives that was not accomplished. The discussion panel sort of broke down, and most of the talks were not rehearsed, and there's still some sort of gap. A lot of things. Whatever. I barely remembered what happened on Saturday afternoon, I simply remember telling Marvin to take charge, and I sort of crashed. And even after they woke me at night, I still needed some Advil to calm my headache.

I found out hard time that coordinating a retreat/camp is a huge distraction to ministry. There's a lot of administrative and finance work. I just remember that getting to play at Mass was my one relief from all the mess. And I absolutely enjoyed Houston Ascension Band playing Praise and Worship and Adoration songs. Division of labor my friend. Whether or not I liked the administrative and financial work...we shall see.

Trip to Taiwan
Immediately following CCX, I took a week of break and flew myself to Taiwan on the last available ticket I could find, literally. Went back home and saw grandma, which was the principle purpose of my visit. After grandpa had passed away, she has not been the same. Money, money, money...and all sorts of other materialistic struggles. I wanted to live with her and experience her pains a little. And of course, given the chance let her see some of my life. Well, I was not in the best of shape to demonstrate to her what the Gospel is, but I did see and experience some of the pains she had to go through. I finished reading "Hail Holy Queen" by Scott Han while I was in Taiwan.

Lambda Omega Alpha
In the fall semester, after coming back from CCX and Taiwan, I sort of resolved and prayed that I may have some sort of deliverance from my struggles, and at the same time I really desired what I desired. And at the same time I also desired what I desired. [Wow, this is the most vague statement I've ever said probably, right next to the whole ship business.] Basically, I my desires were torn and the two sides were very strong emotional, spiritual, and physical struggle. Perhaps they were one of the same desire manifested in different ways. And at that moment neither were in the good direction.

Why do I talk about such things when the heading is Lambda Omega Alpha? Well, for those do not know, LOA is a Catholic fraternity at the University Catholic Center at UT. And of all the crazy things that a fraternity does, this one is Catholic and seemed to me a good place where I can search my soul as to what makes a good Catholic Man and Brotherhood. And this experience did provide me with a great many insights to myself and my fellow brothers, but further, of what makes good Man, good Catholic Man.

Not all the things we did were all honorable and shining knight stuff. And to this day, some of the stuff still haunts me. But of it came a springboard for me to further meditate about my raison d'etre. And the brotherhood provided me with accountability in some things. Through all my faults and triumphs (?), I realized that there is a lot to work on, a lot.

One more thing about this experience is that I begin to talk to more girls than I've ever done! Being an engineer locked up in the lab is morbid.

Graduation & Beyond
My social life has grown, but my academic life, heh, was in shambles. I studied very hard this semester, but I took too many liberal arts classes that required reading. And trying to graduate while doing a DSP lab with many philosophical and constitutional reading only serves to destroy what little free time I have left. Job search was not even on the schedule, I couldn't even make it out of town back home for most of the weekends. And graduation is not exactly swift and happy either. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I also wanted to have some savings and not have to rely on my parents. And of course, I was looking into getting some sort of research job that could jump off or accentuates my graduate school career. Well, I'm still looking for a job and trying to study the GRE.

Christmas
Well, amidst all of these struggles, insights, and vague stuff, came Christmas. And this is a strange Christmas too. No one at church decided to help with the Christmas program, and yet everyone expected to see it go. The usual people that helped organize the event were sitting back and watching. And the same thing? Some young people running the show. I was told last minute that I would MC the night in both Chinese and English! And I had my own program! Needless to say that I was annoyed. Expecting so much, and putting in not so much...bleh. Thank the Lord that things turned out okay, nothing big and explosive happened.

And that same Christmas Eve Mass, is when I gathered with many old friends and meet some new friends. And although not exactly knowing, one of those friend I made that day helped me to see to reconcile my torn heart. I didn't even know back then. And I'm sooooooooo grateful and thankful of her. In knowing her, I've become so much more aware of the spiritual journey that I've long forgotten that I've trod, and the flames of love that God shared upon us.

---

I think the year ended at a Reuben's house, with us toasting to something I can't remember, perhaps to friendship, perhaps to blessings for the New Year, but I think the Good Lord gathered us there under that roof for a reason. And looking back, it is those moments where I opened my heart and let the Holy Spirit in, when my life begun to change. I still don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me, or why He has thus far brought me in this new year, through all my new struggles and old ones too. I must say though, that this past year has been the most crazy and spiritually trying (and failing) year. And I thank the Lord much for giving me a chance to stand back up and move forward again this year. I should be thankful, but for some reason I'm down and depressed, maybe even angry to some extend, not to mention frustrated and distracted.

I need to let the Spirit into my life. Consume me, Lord. Completely. Consume me.

TMH

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.

Remembering JPII.

2008-04-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

My dear friends and families. Today is indeed a very special day. Three years ago on this day in about 3-4pm Texas time in the afternoon, I was passing by St. Austin's from Co-Co's with my bubble tea in my hand when I heard the solemn bell toll. And Dr. Hoffman placed up a black veil over the doors with his wife and kids, agitated and sad. I distinctively remember Fr. PJ giving me an evil grin when he saw me with my drink around the atrium of the church. On that day, our beloved Pope John Paul II passed over from this earthly life to the next! This be a good day to pray for him. Sancto subito!

JP2, Pray for us!

Wishpers in the loggia

Youth 2000 Meditation.

2008-03-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

[I apologize ahead of time that this entry is again long, arduous, unorganized, and, if anything else, vague; but such is the nature of the topic of discussion at this moment, I will write another entry completing this meditation, perhaps with more vivid story telling. But right now, I seek to understand and analyze, so abstract-ness is probably better. As far as vagueness goes, you know what I am talking about if you know what I am talking about, I made it that way.]

Youth 2000 is a retreat organized by the Franciscan Friars of Renewal from the Diocese of New York. This retreat is usually held in the Diocese of Fort Worth in Texas and many of the North Texans come to this event to enrich and grow in their spiritual life.

The last time I went on this retreat, I was a high schooler, and still trying to understand my faith and reconciling that with my life. And I don't remember much details from that retreat. Several things took place in my life since last Christmas and the New Year befell, and I felt drawn and compelled to attend this retreat, though I do have my reservations and in my mind, I wondered how much spiritual growth I would obtain. Actually, at the same time I am afraid of the growth that I might get, implying responsibility and suffering. Surprisingly, in many ways it has given me much food for thought and meditation -- that perhaps will take me years to unravel my experience this past weekend.

The Eucharist is exposed during the entire weekend of the retreat until the Mass of Divine Mercy on Sunday. And Adoration is perpetual except during Mass. And after my years at college, I realize that this retreat has so much love of Jesus packed into it, my head is kind of in shock and ache right now as I sit in front of my laptop typing out my experience. I wanted to share a small part of my experiencing of this retreat. And some of the things that I had been meditating on.

It is importantly that I recall some things that was on my mind. These were my reading reflections from Fulton Sheen, Frank Sheed, Christopher West, and JPII. It sort of sets up my mind frame right now and when I was meditating on Saturday (I put them in one big paragraph, so you can skip over for time's sake):

Jesus was the only man in history Who's birth is to foreshadow His suffering, His Cross, and His Resurrection. No other man was born to die as He did. Why did our Blessed Lord have to do this? Because God loves us. It is a Love that is infinite. Think of the biggest number you got, and it's bigger than that. Well, God's Love is so great for us, humans, that He is willing to take on the form of human flesh and blood -- to experience what we experience, to see, to hear, to eat, to drink, and to suffer -- to redeem us to His Grace. Why? Because human kind fell from that original state of innocence when they took bite out of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve, from a state of innocence in "solitude, unity, and sacred nakedness" (TOB, C. West) lived with God's glory shining through them. And in the original state of innocence, when God created male and female, He blessed them and told them to be fruitful and to multiply. And God did so, creating humans in male and female, in His Divine image of the Trinity. The Father loves the Son, and the Son is obedient to the Father in His love, and from thence, this Love overflows and is the Holy Spirit. Three persons, but one nature, the Divine. And such Love, as unseen as any one on earth could ever imagine or feel, are not altogether unreachable. For in the image of the male and the female persons, God in His infinite wisdom, placed marks and signs of reminder to the Divine Trinitarian Love. And it is in this love that the union between Adam and Eve in the beginning was so. And in that grievous Fault, Adam and Eve became ashamed and obstructed of this love. [My use of language here is very loose, paraphrasing from what I remembered, and it is jumping around because it is my train of thought unedited]. Why? Well, before the Fall, in the beginning, man and woman see and know each other without fear and without reserve, because their love is that of selfless giving, out of their freedom in total giving of self to each other. The urges of lust had not entered into the picture, nor has the idea of using one another as means to pleasure been there. And when man and woman first sow fig leaves to cover themselves, this complete, total, selfless giving is obstructed by lust and other sins. And the glory of God certainly could not permeate through our First Parents as such, when the truth of love is rejected. And the mission of the Christ, our blessed Lord, is to redeem this "fallen nature" of ours, and to bring again to union that Divine Love with the human flesh, as is evident in His Incarnation. And it is precisely in His act of selfless giving, completely out of free will, that Jesus demonstrated to us what love is like before sin. And any union between Man and Woman, must necessarily again, follow this principle for it to be holy.

-- Back to my actual thoughts --

Such were the some of the ideas on my mind on Saturday. I said a prayer for love during Mass and asked God what does He want of me after Holy Communion. Well, throughout the night, and even back during in the day also, God spoke to me in many different ways. But one thing that came to my mind, when Jesus passed by me, during the Eucharist Procession, was the love that God has for me. And it is in that precise manner of love that He expected in return from me -- total giving of the self, in my free will -- to love. And it is in that precise moment that I realized that I don't know if I could totally give of myself without kicking and screaming, and all sorts of misery!

And I was afraid, how could I say that I love God but unable to say to God that I am will to give of myself freely to all that He wills? But I realize that I do not love God any less than I did just a minute ago, but there seemed to be more distance now. And in reflection, how can I say that I love someone, if I cannot give of myself freely without reserve? And I keep telling myself that for one I would -- but then what about the Holy One of the Lord? There seems to be a slight disconnect between my love for Jesus and my love for another. I could say with some degree of certainty that if another had asked me of anything, I would have done with all my being, what is asked of me, well, except in the case where Jesus and the other would ask for this other same thing. Coming back, I do not know if I could say with the same degree of certainty that if Jesus had asked of me that of my love, the same very "love" that I claimed to have, would drive me to do all things.

I know this is vague, but in essence, there is a disconnect between my love of a creature and my love of the Creator. The creature is a sign, a reminder to us, a road sign if you will of how far Heaven is, and what it is like in the Divine Love of God. But if I am obstructed by the road sign, I cannot see the road further. Similarly, I cannot myself be obstructing others on my journey, lest God strike me down for such attempts. But it feels to me that in this day and age, it is already hard enough to find love that satisfies, and that it is immensely more so increasing in difficult to seek that perfect Love of God. I recognize this, and try really hard to always ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts that they may be centered on God. But in life, there ensues a much harder struggle.

The struggle sets in tihs delinma that we are all called to seek that perfect Love, and ask God for that strength, but unless I myself would open my heart to let the Holy Spirit in to guide me in practicing and loving God in all that I am, my faith life is lacking and miserable. But the reverse is also true, because in the giving of self, I would have to sacrifice what I had, what I have, and what I might have in the future, which I realized is the hardest thing to give up of, which makes me equally miserable. I guess it is the problem of obedience versus free will. If I were to be obedient, which is quite easy for me to do in various occasions, growing up in the Asian families trains most kids to be automatic in such issues, I no longer contemplate of my "free will". And in matters that I do, it seems like my obedience binds me in chains and sometimes to things I do not desire but otherwise of guilt and shame for not doing so.

Contrary to most people's experience about finding peace in that "moment" of confirmation, or the retreat high that people get, this is not to say the retreat is bad, I came out affirming my faith, but with a huge bag of questions, thoughts, and anxieties that I had not thought of before. In fact, I find all the singing during Adoration to be quite distracting with the hand motions, it takes away my mind from Jesus and my contemplations. And I do have to say, at the conclusion of the retreat, God had given me what I asked for when I set out to come to Youth 2000. I'm still in the kicking and screaming mode -- and possibly false rationalization stage...

I'm gonna need some major prayers on this one...maybe I have always needed this big prayer, just that I am way to distracted by other stuff...and have finally come to the realization of this "ship" that I am.

TMH

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!

Theology, Philosophy, and Publishing.

2008-03-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

Years back, when I was first baptized and confirmed as a Catholic Christian, I knew very little or my faith coming out of the RCIA program. But I was sort of zealous of my faith and studied some of the things I ought to study as a good Catholic. I sort of gave up eventually due to school work, this and that, all sorts of excuses. And I think during this period, I also started getting into online arguments with people I do not even know about matters of faith. And after a lot of run-ins and time wasting in explaining stuff over and over again, just to see the other side ignoring them altogether, I sort of just gave up.

I decided that if anyone is going to talk to me about matters of faith, they are going to have to do it in person. And I promptly deletes all "spam" looking religious posts on my blogs and xanga. And for a while, I transfered my energy to sharing what I've learned about my faith. And that didn't turn out so well -- on my part -- for the lack of material and sometimes I may not get things right, and that becomes hard for me to having to go back and retract what I said. So that sort of passed.

As an aside, I still remember though, that one place I go for information is a good friend's site on AOL: http://members.aol.com/ahansolo23/index1.html, yes, it was on AOL, this is how old the stuff was...surprisingly it still works! And I remember visiting a link to Summa: http://www.newadvent.org/summa/1002.htm about the existence of God.

Anyways, I think it just wasn't the right time and age for me to be actually evangelizing, least of all by words and publications. And I think even to this day, I'm still not in the business of doing that. All I would like to do is to share my experience and my lessons of life and if these be spiritual moments, I would love to share it. Well, being an engineering student in college really precluded me from much further contemplation or really spending the time to organize my thoughts and publishing them. But I sort of gave up trying to use words and publication as a means of living my faith and sharing the Good News of the Lord. I think I realized that I gotta live the faith before I even start to write up pamphlets about it.

Then about a few years ago, I glossed over an xanga entry by one of my little cousins, on matters of faith. I really wanted to comment something about the post, and I think I might have said something or wrote something about it...I couldn't recall. But in the end, I kind of just pushed the save draft button and left it in there to rot. Why? Well, a faith lived is testimony enough methinks. And it is also during this time I stopped trying to quote the exact verses of the Bible when I talked about matters of faith. I wanted to use my own words and also let the Holy Spirit guide me as He wills. I did not want to be constricted to Bible quote slamming, in fact, "sola scriptura" is actually not scriptural (nowhere in the Bible did it mention only the Bible alone, in fact, it even reference to books not in the Bible). And I believed that I should not be sharing about stuff that I have not experienced.

I remember vagued about saying a prayer to God about gaining wisdom or something to that degree -- as opposed to just intellectual advancements. I desired wisdom.

At that point, I stopped reading and started to listen. Of course, I still loved to read but I think my interest in actually acquiring knowledge of wisdom waned, since wisdom is sometimes best learned lived. I think in a way, I went from one extreme to another, from studying of God and wisdom to trying to "live the life". And I think this contributed highly to my coming to Austin to study. I wanted to have an environment that I can live and learn through more than just reading and studying. And I think this has been a long lesson for me that I am still trying to unwrap as my college years comes to a close.

The thing is, I did not send out that letter to my cousin, because I really wanted that discussion to be one from the heart and not something that she jogged down in her notes from conferences or retreats. Quotes are fine, but I believed that they have to be substantiated with our own personal convictions and believes digested with reason and logics. I wanted move the level of the discussion above the level of "I believe..." and "You believe...". I wanted the discussion to move away from believing for the sake of believing. Reason and Faith works together to bring us closer to God and closer to understanding of our own purposes on this earth. Without reason, faith blinded is easily influenced. Frank Sheed put it this way,

"Truth is light too. Not to see it is to be in the darkness, to see it wrong is to be in double darkness. The greater part of reality can be known if God tells us. Doctrine is what he tells; lacking it, we lack light. To be stumbling along in the dark, happy in the knowledge that our guides can see, is not at all the same thing as walking in the light. It is immeasurably better than stumbling through the dark with blind guides but it is poverty all the same" (Theology for Beginners, F. J. Sheed).

I couldn't have put it another way. "To be stumbling along in the dark, happy in the knowledge that our guides can see, is not at all the same thing as walking in the light." That really speaks my point. I wanted to know that my discussions will be constructive and actually serving an end other than, "I'm right, you're wrong" or the such.

There is two things in action here: young people on the Internet with lots of energy and passion about their believes, usually coming out of conferences and retreats, or of new-convert experiences; and seeing wisdom, living it, and sharing about it. These two things need not be exclusive of each other, but there is a proper and appropriate level of involvement of the two. Too much and unsubstantiated fusion of the two creates not only meaningless bandwidth wastage, but also gets the Christian community a bad rap on- and off-line. And well, I guess sometimes there is not too little, living the faith is acceptable -- only use words when necessary!

I think the bottom line of this is that I sort of stopped reading for the sake of discourse or arguments. That added with college work, I actually stopped reading philosophy and theology altogether, which I regret I should have continued -- for the reason of gaining wisdom. I guess one can never experience all aspects of wisdom living through life -- there is just not enough time. And the fact of the matter is that sometimes to live life, you need some wisdom to jump start it...hence studying philosophy and theology helps.

I write this article because I find myself once again distracted by people posting on my xanga about "religious" stuff that I felt like I would not make much dent even if I replied in defense of my faith. Unsubstantiated and uneducated claims fueled by passions of blind faith can only get you so far. And further arguments won't even make sense...I guess I write this article to remind myself about the purpose of philosophy and theology. And of course, to share my experience and ranting on this matter...

TMH

Five Years Later...

2008-03-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

[I wrote this out of whim, after reading my poem from five years ago about Love]

Dear Lord if it please you, I pray,
To you my heart pours, all that I am, and that I want.

Words of good Francis I pray,
To give as to be given,
To love as to be loved,
And to die so as to rise to Life Eternal.

And in song I sing, to not want for You are my Shepherd.
And You alone knows all that I am, and all that I need.
My Love would be meaningless without Your Cross,
Through which Your Graces and Mercies flow...
And Joyful it be the Father's Will, Your Obedience, and of Mary's Fiat.

There is this woman that I love,
Of her beauty -- only thanks and praise to You oh Lord,
But of her virtue and grace -- dear Lord, again praise and thanks,
And all these with her fervent and flaming heart, for You Lord, -- Thrice the praise!
Though not the same way we shall tred, to You,
Be our only end -- to praise and to thank.

And what about Love? Meh, You have shown us the way
To Love, the Way of the Cross;
And this, Your Love, is infinite, forever, Father, Spirit, and Son!
It hurts, in my heart, to even think of this Love, the Love of Your Holy Cross.
The Nails and the Crown, and the Corpus Charitus -- all Your Love!

So when you created Man and Woman, this You meant,
Man for Woman in his body and in his blood;
And Woman for Man compassion and grace;
And the for such love to be born a babe as the third:
Just like Father, Spirit, and Son.

It seems to me, my Blessed Lord, Beauty and Love is so hard to find,
But the words of Francis bounce back out, "To Love as to be loved".
And may it be my principle and action from hence and forth,
'Til the time that I shall lay rest in Your Bosom Divine
To bring forth Love for Love's sake
And to receive Love with thanksgiving of Your Grace.

And I ask You to take my tears and my pain,
The aches in my chest, and the burnings of my heart,
All my anxieties, and all my fears;
Take them, O Lord, to Your Cross, and may they be
Hammered and Nailed, to die
And reborn with You in Spirit and in Strength for the New Day to come.

Five Years have I journeyed this road to find Love,
Many times I have strayed
From Your Divine Nag. Sorry My Lord.
For Years Later I might add, I am still looking for Love
Though my years of journey you have taught me much.
To love as to be loved...
And to live with hope and faith -- when on that Day of Trumpet Blast --
I shall finally see Your Face and my fight be no more.

Dear Lord I pray still, for a dear companion on the journey,
To whom I may share the joys and the agonies...
Dear Lord I pray that this journey You may bless
With Wisdom and Grace -- to discern and to follow --
That Your Will be Done Still.

Still Five more years later -- I pray that I will still be in Love.

To Mary my Mother Blest in Heaven, and siblings in Christ, a prayer please say for me of my struggles and my pain, and a prayer of thanksgiving sing for me, in my triumph and in my joy.

And all these my mundane prayer be to You, my dear Lord. My Good Lord. To God the Father, and the Holy Spirit, and the Son.

Amen with Love.

REPOST: What Does It Mean to Say "I Love You"?

2008-03-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

[Originally written on Jan. 28, 2003, used to be placed on the old Untitled Benedictus on geocities, but the site was lost. I dug it out of my old music binder today on March 14, 2008; no edit is done, preserved for original's sake]

Disclaimer: This poem is REALLY OUT-OF-DATE. It speaks of really old stuff. if per-chance it coincide with any current events, it is purely by nature coincidental; actually, I was going through my older music binder for something to play and some old stuff came up; what can I say??

---

01/28/2003: What does it mean to say "I Love You"?

What does it mean to say I Love you?

Does it mean that I have a fond feeling of you?
Or does it mean that I have a lot to tell you about what I like about you?
Or does it mean I envy for your virtue?
Or maybe I just wanna be a friend?

Some might say Love is all about sex...
What do you have to say about that?

What does it mean to Love?
Can we live without Love?
But what is Love?
Can we have Love?

When we all say I Love You,
Does it really mean I Love You
That I would swap my life for yours?
Or do I simply want to impress you?

What is true Love, and what is the universal Love?
The Love of you, and the Love of the rest,
Are they any different?
In as much as how much we Love?

So truly, I pray you tell,
What is Love?
How is Love?
and Why is Love?

Whence I should really say, "I Love You"...
Whilst my mind really speak of something else?

And Whence I should say, "OK"...
Whilst my heart acknowledges where you stand...
On the platform of life of virtue and Love.

We all make decisions,
Some yes's and some no's:
And let this be one of them that has no answer:
for Love is infinite, and Love is forever lasting,
Like that of Christ and that of God.

So my dear friend, pray tell,
What do you think of Love?
And who would you say about Love before I should say I Love?

Maybe it is your words that render the most of Love,
At least in me it seems to light,
Bright as the shining star:
Yet invisible as my hearts are barried[sic] deep down inside.

And pray tell how say you to Love?
And what you think of Love?
I think, and would you?
Maybe it is time for you and me to sit down and think about it,
My dear friend, tell me all you want to say about "I Love You".

Oh, and did I mention that I Love You?

---

[A poem written for a friend in the most vague and time-wasting manner, in 2003. Looks like my skills in being vague has not decreased, maybe I will write a new one, "Five Years Later...", hhmm...]

An Apoloy Letter

2008-02-23T19:23:00.000-08:00

[Written on Nov. 15, 2007 A.D., Eve of LOA Initiation, at my battered apartment on Guadalupe, Austin, TX, Edited on Feb 23, 2008, same place]

Dear Lady,

I sincerely apologize, on behave of men of our doing in the disrespectful things that are done throughout time and are occurring, and those that might occur. I know I cannot possibly be at fault or even begin to say sorry for all the wrongs in the world, and at the risk of sounding conceit for taking up these sorrow, but my heart is in pain when I hear of these wrongs and wishes to do or say something to sooth the pain. After conversing with you, I discovered that something that I and no doubt many other men have done in the name of any numbers of excuses disregarded your dignity and beauty.

All I can say is the fact that I admire very much of your beauty: the way you speak; the way you move; the way you are able to point out your delicate heart; and the form that God has made you. All my life, I've sought after you -- wanting to become close to you -- in mind and in proximity! I could imagine that many men are in the same sort of mind frame that I am in. I ask that you forgive us for the deplorable things that we've done. And in contemplation of such said things may we men come to grasp with our weakness and nature. I pray that I will learn in time to not only avoid but also speak up in my place as a fellow human being against such crimes of the soul.

My apology stems from the fact that I did not do, as my believe in truth and moral dictates, but rather encouraged the actions thereof to the violation of your beauty and existence. I could not sleep well knowing that I have tolerated such action, and even myself partook in some. The thought troubles me so and it grieves me to not have recognized this and promptly stop it as part of my duty as a fellow human being and Children of God.

Again I pray that God will forgive me and my brethren for committing such high crimes against your beauty and dignity. I pray for your forgiveness and intercession that friendship and understanding may grow henceforth and that my resolve to chastity and respect of dignity and beauty will not dwindle but rather grow ever fervent.

To Holiness and to Love...with most sincere apology,

TMH
Nov. 15, 2007 A.D.

A Prayer to St. Michael Archangel

2008-02-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

Saint Michael the Archangel,
Defend us in battle.

Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him,
we humbly pray.

And do thou, O Prince of Heavenly Host --
by the Divine Powers of GOD --
cast into Hell, Satan and all the evil spirits
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruins of souls.

--

Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
Blessed art thou Amongst women,
Blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of GOD,
Pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

TMH 2/18/2007

College -- Rise and Fall of Faith

2008-02-15T17:00:00.000-08:00

[Originally written 03/07/2007, edited with conclusion on 02/15/2008]

Years ago, when I was graduating from high school, some of my fellow post-college friends told us that our faith in college would either flourish or fall. At the time that felt like a shock and a surge, I keep telling myself, I must make preparations and plans so that I do not fall.

Funny it must have been to God. No man will walk the journey of Christ without falling at least half a dozen times. And most of them will have struggled with various difficulties throughout the journey. One fall cannot destroy us, lest we decide to stay down in despair and in fear. No my brothers and sisters, college may have and probably will be the place that many will trip and fall, it is also a place for many to stand back up and to rise to holiness. And we are only human, we all have faults, no one will journey unchallenged. Even Jesus was tempted in the desert, and through His Lenten journey, Jesus showed us how it is to be done! I can only say from my own experience that if one takes the attitude that college will make or break a Christian -- and to hold the attitude that one may never recover from that -- is despairing and pessimist indeed. We must not forget that our lives are ultimately in the hands of God, and only by following Jesus will we know the way. And let's not forget that the Spirit is our teacher on the way when we are weary and doubtful. God is with us always! His incarnate word was named Emmanuel -- no other religion exists today speaks of the love of God so great -- as to become one and to live among us, and to give of Himself to us -- our very sinful state!

No, my friend, one does not fall and stay down, albeit that our college campus today is extremely voided for God. In philosophy classes, any arguments to do with God is dismissed either as naive, unsupported, discriminatory, or irrelevant. And often, many teaches the way of pleasure or maximized benefits as the criteria in examining moral, ethics, and other lively principles. Textbooks are constructed using weak pieces of the so-called "conservative" position and stronger pieces of the so-called "liberal" position. And these classes are often offered to freshman students as requirements in fine arts and social studies.

In freshman year, I took a rhetoric course titled, "Everything is an Argument", and now I begin to really see that purpose some of these ethics and philosophy classes are really just an argument that awaits to be analyzed and digested -- and not everything can be taken at a face value. But I do not think our average freshman will be prepared for the bombardment of "logistic", "tolerant", "legal" arguments that some of our professors puts up in these classes.

Classes tailored to educate students to be liberal is one thing, the whole experience of without parents and without supervision -- and the kind of activities thereof, drinking, sex, drugs, discrimination, list goes on -- becomes much more like the ordinary run-of-the-mill events one hears from friends and people across the hall. Yes, the outlook of it seems gloom, but it's not all doom I must say.

Unlike my friend, I believe that it is this attitude of oh if I fall, then I'm gone, might as well do this and that, oh, since I've fall so far, might as well try that. Such attitude is what 'causes further degrading of ones will to continue on the journey of faith, along side with the external factors of teenage-hood, leaving-home, new environment, etc. I know it is hard sometimes, seeing all the environmental factors, but we must not forget the attitude we hold also speaks very much of how much action we will undertake. And of course, the Man upstairs is always watching over us. So the outlook isn't all that bad -- in my opinion.

But what do we do when we fall?

Stand back up and keep moving! Maybe there are times when you fall, you don't know where you are and which way to go any more, and that is when you seek the guidance of the Spirit. There's more struggle than just the usual sex, drug, and alcohol lurking around -- loneliness, sickness, grades, vocation, friendship, boyfriends, girlfriends -- tons of them, small things like roommate may even make or break someone's semester -- and possible academic career!

---

But most importantly of all, stand back up and move along. Do you want your faith life to go into Ashes? Because from Ashes we were made, and on the Last Day -- from Ashes we shall rise.

TMH

College 3. Azn Culture in College Campus

2008-02-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

A few years back, before I went off to college, my Godfather Marvin said to me, "Now son, don't you get stuck in the [AZN-ness] culture." I knew what he meant and it took some time to figure out what is the alternative. For me, it is even stranger, because I immigrated to this Country when I was in middle school, and I had much memory of my youth in Taiwan as I was growing up: the customs, culture, and practices sticks with me. What does Marvin meant then, of all this AZN-ness culture?

Well, I knew what he meant, but I could not quite put words to it until I've been at college for a few years living farther away from my culturally close-knit family and friends. For once, I was able to live just as me, living as a Catholic Christian in a diverse campus at UT. And I made a decision to stay away from the all too familiar "culture organizations" such as TISA, TASA, CSA, AACM, or the like. Why? I am Chinese, so why do I not belong to such organizations? Why do I not try to find my roots and get to know those of my origin? And to add to this further, there was often talks about "diversity" or recognizing "diversity" on campus and how there should be more awareness and what not. But in truth, all of these attempts are simply trying to point out the difference and make the contrast of difference that much more tensioned.

In these above organizations, and surrounding, people either have a feeling of comfort in knowing their superiority or have the flame to fight for injustices due to unfair treatments (and sometimes even for unbalanced treatments). And it is all to popular to see on facebook or casual conversation of people's stereotype relating to the AZN culture. They're smart, hardworking, innovative, etc., etc. But some things that people did not say: they're inclusive, always speaking their own languages and leaving others out, or they have such pride that it becomes difficult to exist with them together and not being the "white man" or other forms of odd one out. And to point out of the diversity, further antagonizes the situation. In instances, people within the group promotes this sort of "we should have our own [insert stuff]", and thus arriving to a separate but equal proposition, much to the contrary goal of "ethnic diversity" or "diversity awareness" in trying to integrate a large campus of diverse populous.

There is a second point that I wish to discuss of this issue, in relation to my Catholic faith. A very key and important aspect of the Church is that it is Catholic, or universal, in that it possesses the fullness of truth and that in many aspects of its Mystical Body such truth is encompassed. And to be separate into different branches of interests and even ethnic segments thinking that each segment have the full truth contradicts that spirit. We have to work together -- not separately on our own -- there is not a different Heaven for Asians than the Caucasians, nor the African Americans, nor the Hispanics, nor whatever division that separates people. At this point though, I must point out, however different my philosophy may be, or however crude and un-politically-correct it is, I do not intend to harm or charge the situation. My goal of writing this article, is to treatise and obtain for me the principle reason why I do not participate in the whole AZN-ness culture, and as part of my larger discussion in trying to define "Chinese Catholic in America".

And I understood a little bit of what alternative I should have of this AZN culture. I shall expound on this later.

TMH

Science and the Creation Story.

2007-10-05T08:27:00.001-07:00

http://uk.reuters.com/article/scienceNewsMolt/idUKL0417855220071004?pageNumber=1

It seems strange to be arguing about putting the creation story into our science classes. For as far as I'm concerned, as an engineering student, I do not perceive too much scientific truth in the creation stories. But as a Catholic Christian I believe that there is much philosophical, if not theological truth, in the story.

Science classes are no place for religious studies or philosophical studies, although I would not be surprise that a good curriculum includes such contemplations.

None says that whatever the teacher teaches you in science class ought to be believe as truth or facts. In fact, the foundation of science is experiment and verification -- and through which a training in the arts of mathematics, logic, induction, deduction, and so forth. And it is with these tools that we wish to careful examine wisdom of outside and inside.

Some say that the scientific progress of this generation has fallen off, I say that is indeed so, we seem to forget that faith and reason works together to bind actions. One cannot do without the other. If one were to detest the very reason that science is based on and cling blindly to faith -- then not only will there be of no progress technologically, but also philosophically. But on the other hand, reason without faith has no basis, everything is relative, and whence shall reason be as murky as deep pond in dark night.

I guess the current thinkers of the day have forgotten the story of mutual inclusion as opposed to mutual exclusion. And the animosity set forth by those "religious extremities" along side those "scientific atheists" have gain an upper hand in disputing wisdom but quarrel within the realm of education of the young.

---

I have to say though, teaching the creationism story in science class does seem a bit out of place at the present moment the way things stands. A compromise perhaps, is to add an additional philosophical course into the overall curriculum of the pupils in such matters, but not entirely based on the creationists side of it. And so is it with science classes, perhaps a little bit of reason ought to be taught -- the part about experimentation and verification of statements given -- as to avoid teaching Darwinism as the truth of origin, because in fact, to verify existence implies observation, best if observed directly, and hence we're already created and it's been couple thousands plus years of existence, it will surely be difficult to prove the direct observation of whether Darwinism or creationism is the correct one. Darwinism seeks to explore the temporal changes of the created species through changes in the creatures, whilst creationism seeks to explain the origins of the world in a purpose and moral side of the story. I heavily doubt that it will be easy to reconcile both with a simple mutual rejection of each other...

It takes much deeper contemplation and learning I say.

Edible Chicken. Part I.

2007-10-03T08:45:00.001-07:00

Like many of my pet-peeves, this is my favorite one. It's chicken and it's edible, what else could be better? Edible Soy? (this part you laugh).

Anycase, life in general has been disorganized to say the least. Although there is one major development in life. And that development is kinda like an epiphany too. So I was in this job fair, we call them the Engineering EXPO, I realized that I really don't want to work in the industry yet, at least of the companies that came. I realized that I wanted to do something else -- not limited to the oil fields in Texas, or the weapon systems of some defense industry...I simply cannot imagine myself doing that for the rest of my life. In fact, admist conversation with the recruiters present, I sort of dwelved into this trance of discussions with the "recruters" in general as I go from booth to booth at the EXPO (of the boothes that I've pre-selected to be my "interest areas").

[I'll let you know how it ends, Oct 3, 2007]

Struggles. Point of Divergence.

2007-06-21T20:52:00.001-07:00

I realize that I'm behind on my second discussion on career and all, but I feel that this is much more relevant to my thoughts and feelings right now. I will return to my discussion on my career soon. (Note the use of the word "soon", that could mean anything in today's term...hehe)

Anycase, I wish to discuss Struggles in life. To clarify, in looking at one's life, we don't always see one consistent image, if it was so, that person is probably really boring...I don't know, humans make mistake -- and I don't have to say much more about that. History itself is a living proof of the statement. But this is where many have drawn their observation on when the life of one is evaluated, but more importantly in one's own self-examination, do we see ripples? Do we see struggles in life, against those vices that we're born with? Do we struggle against those things that we undo us of our humanity? It is an a testament of our will more so than our accomplishments while on this earth.

Many people think of those who are religious, and particularly of Christians, are so holy and pure. True is, not so much, maybe for one that is very much sheltered, that is someone who lives in their own world segregated from the rest of the world. I cannot say if being sheltered is a good thing or not, but even the sheltered ones will have flaws and problems that they struggle with -- so are the so-called Christians. A friend of mine once divided up the people attending Mass at church into segments of people: the pious hypocrites, the Christians wanna-be, the friend-seekers, and this and that. Well, that is perhaps so, who doesn't struggle? We Christians proclaims the Gospel of Truth and Love, and that Gospel is the exact thing we believe will set us free from these earthly struggles we experience. We're not immune from it. And that is the main point -- we are Christians because we have heard of the Gospel, the Good News, of the Lord -- of Life after death, of family in Heaven, of Love unbound -- one that transcends time and space, even death! That good news is our risen Lord -- Jesus Christ. And in following Him, we give of ourselves away to God's purpose. But we're human, not some perfect machine, and more importantly, we are given free will.

It is through our utmost will that we put forth our life in communion with God's will. And there are the times when we fall -- we become the hypocrites. Funny thing is, some of us are better at hiding our vices than others. So here comes the often sentiments that if someone is a priest they are pure and holy and can never make mistakes -- well, I beg to differ.

Life without struggle -- however pure and however nice -- doesn't provide testimony of one's life. And demanding any religious person to not have any faults or desires of their own -- is just as foolish as those religious ones that condemns those without religions. But further, to take advantage of one suffering of one's own gain, and to demand them to endure the suffering due to their believe thereof, against ones free will, is an outcry to community, to society as a whole.

If anything these four years in college has taught me to embrace my own faults and stand back up to fight another day, to submit myself fully and completely to God's love. A friend of mine loved this line from Mother Teresa -- to be a pencil in God's hands. If anything, what I've learned is that this pencil will break and dull from time to time, and it definitely need some sharpenin'. A pencil that never break -- well, is not a pencil, and one that is broken and not sharpened just need a hand to make it new. And no one can promise a pleasant and easy sharpening process, in fact, it will probably hurt like world's gonna end...but that's where life begins -- if you catch my drift.

I'm not saying though that you go out and make mistakes and what not, but rather, every time it happens, sharpen that pencil and bring yourself back to the line -- get ready to start over again.

What is the meaning of life you ask me? Well, today my answer is -- to struggle and not be strangled.

TMH

Career. Part 1.

2007-04-16T00:58:00.000-07:00

So college is about to end for me. As I wrap up (read: starting) the senior design project, the more I think about it, the more I felt like yeah sure this stuff is cool and all, and I'm really grateful that God has given me the passion and talent in all this stuff, but right now, as of this moment of my project, I cannot see how it will be of any use or any good will to anybody else. I feel like the project's end is just to show off. Now it started out as a test to myself of how much stuff I've learn, but also as a sort of looking glass for myself to see where in life I am, where's my studying leading me to and where has my growing process gone? Well, I'm not very satisfied with what I am seeing. Some of these days I simply do not want to wake up at all, to face the dreadful design project. Some may see that this is an evidence of me being an terrible engineer, well, possibly...but if you're stuck in a project that you've came up with and later realizing to be really a fool's quests what can you do?

This gets me thinking, is my choice of studying engineering really something I want to do for the rest of my life? And more importantly, is a career of research or industry in electrical engineering what God is calling me to? They say discernment is about whether or not one is to become a priest, well, honestly, discernment is more like thinking about whether or not God is in the picture at all. Let me illustrate.

Four years ago, I decided to studying electrical engineering at the University of Texas in Austin. Now at the time, my rationale was: I can program stuff, high-level software, and I'm pretty good at debugging, but I wouldn't want to do CS stuff for the rest of my life. I wanted to interact more with people, I wanted to have more hands on with my product, even some circuit design or even computer architecture design of sorts. And the only two school I've applied was UTD and UT, naturally I decided to come to UT for the better program. At the time, I made the decision solely on the rationale that Texas is a better school and I wanted to have the experience of living away from home as opposed to stay at home and have mom wake me up every morning to do homework or go to class. I wanted change.

Seeing that the four years has gone by, it's about to change back after my graduation, well, actually, I do not know. After a good friend of my started seminary about two years ago, it really got me thinking, asking myself the question, where is God taking me? Where does God want me to be? I know that I have tons of excuses and tons of things, desires, stuff I really would "enjoy", but I also know that only God is the ultimate captain of my ship. So wherefore do I go after this? Or for that matter, let me look closer, what's the point of the senior design project? I'm rambling, but there's a point in this article.

1. Graduation is coming
2. Discernment of life after college
3. Immediate future: design project failures
4. Disappointments
5. Aspirations/Reality Check/Discernment

Well, it's late. I'll come back to it some other day.

MOBC and Jenga (sp?)

2007-03-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

MBOC is like playing the game of jenga, each piece supports each other. And when you remove one, you put them on top of each other. And they are all related, when a key piece fall, many more gets knocked off. But the whole point of MBOC is so that when you knock over the towering jenga tower, many people picking it up helps to recover really really fast!!

Example of MBOC analogy.

TMH

Discernment & Bad Breath

2007-03-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

So over the weekend I heard a very fun talk about discernment. It goes something like this:

Discernment can be comparable to bad breath in that bad breath is called halatosis (sp?), which may make it sound like some crazy disease and hard to cure and stuff, in really it is just bad breath. Discernment is like that. It is a word for choosing, but chossing with God. Just a fancy word. You never stop choosing just like you never having bad breath after meals with lots of onion. So should not be afraid of it!!

Just thought this is something cool to share with.

TMH

Surrendering.

2007-02-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to surrender?

Does it not mean give up and let go? In war, many surrenders conditionally, saying "only if ...", and I guess in life, we do the same on many issues. We say we surrender, but we hold back things in our hearts with many "only if", we did not allow God to fully work in us.

Funny how we think God abandons us sometimes, but really, it is us that lacked the connection to God. I know it sounds weird. When we pray to God, help us, we need such and such, but we do not let him in our heart fully...we turn him off at will and expect him to be on when we want Him. In the end, sometimes we might just realize that he was indeed there, but we didn't catch a glimpse of him.

I'm rambling. But bottom line is that God never leaves us...I just proved it with google deskstop's search function. yeah, long story, I'll have to do some more writing another time when I'm more settled down.

TMH.

Lack of Activity.

2007-01-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

I have no posted much, but only because I had no words. Sometimes I just have no clue what to write about. So many days gone by and I have not posted a single entry. Well, I did not plan to write any coherent entry, so I might as well babble a little bit.

Funny thing is, I do have plan to write an article with similar title, but not so much about writing than to contemplate on "Lack of Activity" in other sense, for example, in working on school work, etc. I guess the title works for both subjects.

Question is, life to me is like a search for truth, and I suppose this is the case for many people. And to learn and understand of the truth we require wisdom and intelligence. Many a times though, we acquire amazing insight into whatever truth we've been looking for, but we hesitate to move about and start acting on it/them. This is especially the case in many discussions of morality, philosophy, and spirituality. I don't know, sometimes in life you just need some motivation; no, not parents with a stick behind you...we all know that doesn't work...

Ok, this entry is breaking down. I'm going to quit.

TMH

New Year.

2007-01-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Well, it is 2007 now. There was a pretty big storm this week (and it's been raining for days now...light rain, and some snow), and power went out. My laptop was not hooked up to its batteries, so it went down. I didn't even realize that the clock was off when power came back...so when I turned on google calendar this morning, and clicked on "today", I was brought to Jan. 1 2002. All this while firefox spitting out weird authentication error...

Any case, it's a new year, but many old goals and dreams.

:-O

Experiencing the Infinite.

2006-11-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

[Originally proposed in Oct, 2006, but was not successful in articulating it, so here's a second try]

Have you ever thought of the experiences that we live through everyday, how that they are so infinitesimally small comparing to the idea of infinity? How small we are and are limited we are in comparing to infinite?

A question was raised in my linguistic class about whether or not machine will ever be able to comprehend and produce the "infinite set" of human languages either for the purpose of translation and/or communication. And many holds the view that it is not possible to to represent the gigantic amounts of information that our brain processes. And harder yet, the creativity that humans have in communication and translation. Many holds that even with large and smart storage of information on top of stochastic learning process given corpora of a language cannot even get close to the human experience.

My question is, human beings are not all powerful and all knowing: what makes us better creature to produce "infinite set" of linguistic stuff than the machines? Of course we have to consider the fact that we humans are sentient beings that seeks to understand ourselves and each other whilst machines don't unless they're told to.

In this light I would like to consider the argument that even as creative sentient beings ourselves, we humans, still do not possess the infinite: in fact it is the sum of all humanity's creative product that may surmount to something close to the infinite. And I would like to argue that as individuals, we each are a slice of the infinity. An analogy would be the whole humanity as a cake and each individual as a tiny piece of it: significant but not the only thing, no one person can represent the entirety. And I would like to argue that even though we're not infinite beings, it is possible to experience a ginormously amount of stuff but just not all at once, and that by estimating the big stuff from pieces of small stuff, we seem to have a higher sentient status than the machines that we make. But given the right setup of equipments, I believe we can make smart machines that can talk and understand some basic human interactions. Notice I used the word smart, not wise; smartness on the machine doesn't make it wise and able to contemplate existential questions...at least there's nothing in my technical understanding of what existential/sentient contemplation actually is... and for many of us, this contemplation is only meaningful in respect to God, whom is beyond space and time, only He is able to perceive and understand what we're looking at as infinity. And only through God whom infinity is, can we come to understanding of ourselves and the world around us. So in that respect, it may be a vain effort in trying to assess the infinity; but as a comparison, we humans are exactly all that powerful machines that could create the infinite... because there's always more when you've made up 7 gozillian different sentences using all kinds of cool grammar devices.

We can only experience the infinite through our finite senses. And that is not to say we will be able to grasp the whole reality of infinite. We may take many cracks at it, but that doesn't make us closer to the truth...not a guarantee anyway: but that is how we work, from small finite things we piece together bigger things, and that is how we're making our machines nowadays.

Just a thought. I had a hard time trying to articulate this stuff in class, so I thought I should write it down someday and think about it.

Post Scriptum: even the ordinarily repetitive things sometimes can give us different experiences...well, that's another closely-related story...

Prayer to Mary for God's Love.

2006-10-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

[Original seen on Oct 17, 2006]

Mary, Mother of God, Blessed Virgin Mary, Blessed Mother of Love, help me to see God's love for me today like I've never seen His love for me before!

Name.

2006-10-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

[Article started on Oct. 7, 2006: added more stuff on Oct. 22, 2006]

Every name has its story believe me you. And Untitled Benedictus is no exception. When I was a senior in high school, I wrote an entry in my journal (actual journal) of my thoughts on religious vocation, and I couldn't think of a title, but I do remembered that there was just sooo much blessing in life that I simply cannot name (event to this day), they're like unnamed blessings! And well, that's where the name of the original website "Untitled Benedictus" came from. I hosted it on geocities with yahoo (back in the hay days), but it was deleted due to inactivity. I lost a great many articles on that website. [Hopefully I won't lost any in this site *evil narrow eyes*]

But I guess over the years in college, I realized that there's a need for me to consider much deeply about religious vocation. Actually, I realized that I need to think about "vocation" in general, not just religious alone. Funny thing is, religious vocation seemed easiest because I have never dated anyone before, and at the time it seemed easier of the few states to flow into. But after couple years of thinking, I realized that there's no reason that religious vocation would be any easier than marriage or single life. I simply have not looked into any of them and that is not the same thing as the "easier to go into priesthood" business. And I realized that no matter which way I end up going to, there's a much more important issue at hand. The finding of myself, in relation to Christ and to the world. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What does God want me to do? Who am I? Why am I borned this way? These are just some of the questions that I am still realizing I cannot ansewr without the guidance of Jesus. And I think to some degree all life is meaningless without having first answered these questions, and over the years I begin to realize that I have a zealeous will to find out the answers to these questions.

And I intend to walk this journey with the thorns in me and find out the answers (and follow through with them) whilst writing down a piece of my mind, so that maybe one day you can take as a reference of some sort...or maybe it will be the joke of the day, who knows. But for myself, I wish to know -- my reason of being. Actually, I wish to BE my reason of being, knowing is easy, but doing is sometimes the hardest thing...and I hope...

---

Notice how we all have our a name that is given to us at birth? Notice how there are just things in life we're given, not that we couldn't choose later in life, but they were given to us...and nothing is required from us. It's like part of us is given to us at birth, we did not have to give anything, but it seems like sometimes we're taking them for granted or maybe we just don't appreciate it enough...? Need to talk about this a bit more.

A Prayer by St. Thomas More

2006-10-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

Give me the grace, Good Lord

To set the world at naught. To set the mind firmly on You and not to hang upon the words of men's mouths.

To be content to be solitary. Not to long for worldly pleasures. Little by little utterly to cast off the world and rid my mind of all its business.

Not to long to hear of earthly things, but that the hearing of worldly fancies may be displeasing to me.

Gladly to be thinking of God, piteously to call for His help. To lean into the comfort of God. Busily to labor to love Him.

To know my own vileness and wretchedness. To humble myself under the mighty hand of God. To bewail my sins and, for the purging of them, patiently to suffer adversity.

Gladly to bear my purgatory here. To be joyful in tribulations. To walk the narrow way that leads to life.

To have the last thing in remembrance. To have ever before my eyes my death that is ever at hand. To make death no stranger to me. To foresee and consider the everlasting fire of Hell. To pray for pardon before the judge comes.

To have continually in mind the passion that Christ suffered for me. For His benefits unceasingly to give Him thanks.

To buy the time again that I have lost. To abstain from vain conversations. To shun foolish mirth and gladness. To cut off unnecessary recreations.

Of worldly substance, friends, liberty, life and all, to set the loss at naught, for the winning of Christ.

To think my worst enemies my best friends, for the brethren of Joseph could never have done him so much good with their love and favor as they did him with their malice and hatred.

These minds are more to be desired of every man than all the treasures of all the princes and kings, Christian and heathen, were it gathered and laid together all in one heap.

Amen.

First Watch with Jesus.

2006-10-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

[This entry requires much editting and content organization]

Over the weekend, I had an unique experience to spend a lot of time in front of the Blessed Sacrement. I've always heard of perpetual Adoration between Lent, but I have never been involved in one before. And I must say that however it is tiring, it is worth every bit of the time.

The readings and homily on Friday was about the timeless-ness of God, how He is beyond our space and time. Unlike the human experience of senses and time-durations of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, God exists in eternity. An anology would be us walking through a hilly mountain through the sun, rain, mist, and storm, but God would be in a helicoptor over looking the entire journey. Well, I guess this experience of perpetual Adoration feels like sharing a bit of the eternity that we would spend when our time here on earth is finished. I can't feel but excited -- singing and praising God with the angels and saints in eternity!! Just imagine that! (There's a song that goes by the title "I Could Ony Imagine", well, kinda like that).

And I this is probably the most prayer that I've done since a long time. Probably since CCX...or maybe since the last Awakening. All this programming gets me stuck in front of my computer -- bad!! Good thing I'm already tired from sitting in front of the computer all day, therefore no games...what's the point ya know.

So as I walked into the Church we stayed for the weekend, the priest at the parish asked Paul who's going to be attending the Mass for the Exposition and take the first shift of Adoration. I literally just crawled out of my car from a all-morning drive since 7:30AM (and it was about 5PM then). I kinda wanted to just hang, but for some reason, after walking around realizing I'm actually early and that most of the people here are helping moving stuff in and out of the kitchen, so I wandered around a bit (this is before mass started). I wanted to go to Mass, because usually Jimmy and I goes to daily Mass at the UCC on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. And I guess I was thinking, too bad, Jimmy isn't here, and I kinda wanted someone else to go with me. So the priest came around again to ask for someone to watch Jesus after the exposition Mass, then John got here, and said he would go, and asked me if I wanna go, too. So there I have someone to go with!

In Mass, the priest went over the eternity anology I just quoted above. And funny thing is, the priest opened up the floor for question after homily :-)

So he quizzed us, "God is all forgiving, but why is the sin against the Holy Spirit unforgivable?"

Ans.) Because if you do not take the guidance from the Holy Spirit, who do you take guidance from? If you don't believe in the power of God, how can God forgive you? (This was when Jesus was driving out demons from a possessed person and someone accused Him of using power from the devil).

Well, this sort of sets up things for the weekend. Never doubt the Holy Spirit of God, and be moved by Him! Because you can't be moved without the Holy Spirit! So that's what I thought about during Adoration.

Ever since CCX #2, and the discussion we've had about exorcism and possessions, I often get cold-chills at night about it when I sleep, afraid that someone that I loved, or God-forbid I myself, may be tempted. Now to clarify, I always knew that God is my sheperd and I shall not want, and though I shall walk through the vally of death, no evil will I fear. But some nights I just have to pray lots of Chaplet of Divine Mercy or ask for intercessions from angels and saints for protection. Well, that has troubled me many days -- know that the devil is real (the worst thing is to believe that the devil does not exists), and that evil is constantly trying to tempt us from loving God and loving our neighbors.

Well, there was this tiny bit of personal struggle (I guess you can call it thorn in the back) that I've been dealing with, and it has crippled my trust and love in God. But during the homily, I realized that I must trust in God and let the Holy Spirit guide me, I must surrender all that is me and let Jesus take me. I've heard this message all throughout these times of struggle, and I knew I have to move towards it at some point, but for some reason I just couldn't move into execution mode. I guess I lacked the faith I needed to move along, and I also lacked a friend to nag at me and keep each other accountable. This reminds me the story of the Garden of Gethsemane, where all the disciples fell asleep one after another. Well, hopefully there's someone falling asleep and was able to wake the rest of them up. And I guess this story can also be taken literally and metamorphically -- literally don't fall asleep, but metamorhpically don't let your spiritual life fall asleep! And it's always nice to have someone holding each other accountable. "Two is better than one!"

So I guess I'm really trying to talk about at least two things at once. One is thanks so much for having John as my partner at First Watch with Jesus (for keeping me accountable and not falling asleep spiritually on Friday afternoon :-)). And second thing is that during my prayers, I realized that I REALLY need to give up and surrender my own desires to Jesus to truly find myself -- to know who I am (and in that, God will be my guide and no evil will I ever fear, for He alone is my fortress and shield).

So during the course of this retreat, although I really wanted to play guitar and sing, at many times, I had to remind myself that I really need to have a conversation with God, even though it is said that singing is like praying twice, sometimes people get into the mode of let me just sing and not talk to God...I do this a lot. Maybe if we sing from our hearts then it would be like prayer twice, but if I'm singing just because I like singing [to God]...hm..suspicious motive. I guess that's some form of spiritual slacking off :-P

So I tried very hard to carry out a conversation with God throughout the entire weekend. Praying for the special intention and for myself as well. But being surrounding by many amazing brothers and sisters in Christ definitely makes the conversation much more lively with God, not just me yacking or monologue by God. I heard many talks from the retreat speakers and it definitely gave me a lot of encouragement to move along.

I'll write out parts of my thoughts in other entries more specifically later. But it was quite an experience to have First Watch with Jesus. :-)

Lastly, please pray with me:

Lord Jesus Christ, take all my freedom, my memory, and my understanding, and my will. All that I have and cherish You have given me. I surrender it all to be guided by Your will. Your grace and Your love is wealth enough for me. Give me these, Lord Jesus, and I ask for nothing more.

Amen.

Remembering Lepanto (1571).

2006-10-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

[Originally written on Oct. 7 2006]

Touchy subject. But I just want to recall that on October 7, 1571 a historic battle between the Ottoman Empire and the Holy League successfully prevented a direct attack on the Europe mainland. How the battle fought out was interesting, but how the people at the time reacted to the impending onslaught was amazingly different of how people of today reacts to when war and violence is ineminent.

The people of that age knew what it mean if Europe falls -- their way of life and believes will all have to bow down to the Ottoman Empire's rules, and with the political structure over the Europe disorganized, the people then could only look one way for their own safety and protection -- the Heavens. And they showed their desperateness by saying the rosary. And this was probably the only time in history that the entire Christendom gathered together to pray for one thing in particular almost at the same time daily and weekly. Today we faces iminent threat from the culture of death, where some goes to claim that the devil does not exist, whist others sought only pleasure and riches by stepping on top of others. The world has changed, people no longer lived in the simple way of life and the society itself has forgotten part of its own history. Okay, I digress...this entry is breaking down.

I guess the whole point of this post is to try to remember those who had fallen in battle at Lepanto. And how this battled showed that it is possible to unite the peoples in prayer under dire circumstances like what we're facing today.

So on this day, we especially pray to Mary the Virgin Mother of God for a special intention of peace and unity amongst the world and the different faiths.

Hail Mary, full of Grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed are you amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.

One. Two. Three.

2006-10-07T00:42:00.000-07:00

Well, this is not the first time I've created a blog. And this is not my first blog with blogspot. My first blog sunk into the abyss after I started using xanga. And well, that was a good experience. I do have one tibit about people talking about stuff on my blog posts. I don't usually like to discuss them over the phone or in person, when the question is simply a repeat of what I wrote. I write for thought and therefore I love discussion, but I guess I was just overwhelmed by the amount of non-discussion discussion -- ever get the kind of conversation just for the sake of conversation? -- well, I didn't quite like it. Well, so this is a re-establishment of my online journaling presense, where I will be able to freely express myself again, without being limited to what I can write and what stuff I need to leave out so that I don't get an cross-ocean call at midnight or wee hours of the morning about what I posted in my blog. :-)

On a second note, this blog site is a recreation of an old website that I dedicated to the unnamed blessings that I had a chance to sit down and think over, and perhaps something I felt like worth sharing or even discussing with the general public. This journal is intended to be a travel log of my journey of faith in finding some sense and direction in this life. The main difference between this blog and the ones that I've had in the past will be marked by its lack of photographs and minute details and short updates. As an engineering student, writing is a luxury. And communicating my thoughts, musings, and being is something that I often do not have time to do with labs piling up on and under my desk(s). Well, back to differences, I wish this blog to be thoughtful, inspirational, truthful (to the best of what the situation allows for, not that I would purposefully lie, more like ommission ;-)), and maybe a bit of day-dreaming. Overall, I want this blog to be a thinking and talking blog -- more like where I can open up myself -- and let my essence come out and walk about.

Well, and finally, on a minute note, like I mentioned before (wow, 3 prepositional phrases in one time, can I do that?), writing is a rarity amongst us engineers (and asian male not counting). I once wrote a paper (actual paper) about the reason why I write. In summary of that paper, I write because I regret that many parts of my life I simply recorded in my mind (subject to this thing call "forgetting") and many lessons that I learned I could not remember. I'm talking about the lessons of life of course, stuff I learned in living life in general. But I also want to write for the sake of literature and linguistics -- if you can call what I write "literature" at all -- that is. Well, maybe I'll actually post that paper I wrote one day, but for today, this will do.

Late night it is, sleep must I get!

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