Retrospect 2007.

[There are some things not particularly mentioned, especially my Awakening experiences, which probably will have its own article some time in the future soon...]

I know it's April, but I guess it takes time to really think about the past. I just spend two hours cleaning out my gmail inbox, about 200-300 email exchanges each at least 5-12 levels deep of conversation regarding on to organize and execute the Chinese Catholic Exchange retreat. And then the rest of it are prayer requests from Awakening listserv, and the other big chunk is articles from Fr. Au, and of course, there's lots of homework, labs, and school-related stuff.

Well, looking back at the year 2007, I've done a lot of things, good and bad, and as part of a three year progress since 2005, when I moved out of the dorms, in the year 2008, I think I've finally started again to come to realize the importance of my spiritual life, with new found areas in community, fellowship, and friendship. The year 2007 was kind of a struggling year for me. And this year so far, first quarter gone, has been a lot of sweeping changes and reverting backs, in addition to new areas of work that needs to be done.

I vaguely remember all the events that befall in 2007, but CCX #3, my trip to Taiwan, the purgatory of Senior design project, May Fever, joining the Lambdas, Graduation, and Christmas Chill are few of the most notable and memorable, if not shaping experience of my life. I think any of the listed event could easily occupy pages and pages. I guess I would like to pick a few of these things and very briefly describe what happened and its implications to my life at this moment.


Beginning of the Year
To be honest, I do not remember what happened in the month prior to May of 2007. I think I've lived in a zombie state, dealing with papers, exams, and what-not. I just remember doing a ton of research on robotics, and spend a lot of time outside Dr. Valvano's office, or in his office. Hazy...

Purgatory of Senior Design Project (Spring 2007)
The school year really kicked in fast when I decided to do a project on anthropomorphic multi-robot system, to see whether my technical skills actually equates to what I know. I guess I really wanted to hurt myself or something. But my intention was to figure out how much stuff I've learned and how much of it can I apply? I intended to find a partner in this project, but ended up doing it alone... There was a lot of struggle and mistrust of partners since my break up in EE 345L, and some of my EE 345M time hasn't been good in constructing more permanent partnership, although we still remain good friends (?).

I did not complete the project. My TA was a control systems specialist, but he knows very little about embedded systems and constructing robots. Not exactly the right situation. And I was doing the project as an honors project, so no supervising professor, just a sponsoring professor. Well, I was able to complete most of the mechanical parts, and putting them together, I tell you, it's not very professional looking. Could have used some ME partners and some freshmen metal shop time helps. And in addition, there are tons of paper to write and revise.

I got really depressed pretty soon, in addition to unfriendly working environment at the ENS. I had to carry all my projects around, and no one ever told me we could store our project at the ENS! The enormity of the project on the technical and emotional level simply overwhelmed me. That and in addition to having to cook and participate and try to have a social life, or try to be active in my spiritual life -- simply flooded me. Some days I try my best to work on it, but most of the time, I've lost my passion for my studies.

I am still very bitter to this day of those projects that are simple, some of them are recreated power lab projects...but I do have to admit, some of the projects are simple, but supremely brilliant and original. And this experience has been an extreme humble pie for me. But I didn't set out to get A in this class. I wanted a realistic and honest evaluation of my engineering skills and knowledge. And I got my answer. I passed -- barely. And this experience has been quite hindering to my job search right now, been having problem giving myself enough confidence to step out and present myself. But it's in the works.


May Fever
Very long story, and there is little point of me going into detail. But some of my lifelong struggles carried into a level of unchecked and unbalanced life. Basically, between the senior design project and this, my life is torn in parts. And I continued to struggle with this problem, but more in the open and more in actions than just thoughts and temptations. I've since this new year been praying for transformation and conversion of my soul and trying to understand the reason of this struggle and it has gotten a lot better. But it continued throughout the year until Christmas.


CCX #3
I remember two ago, on Sunday after CCX #2, we ate at Golden Corral. During the course of the meal, a lot of the organizers gathered at one table talking about the next CCX, well, and there are some of us were simply left out of the discussion. Actually, if I had said anything, it probably would not have amounted to much anyways, most of what I say makes little sense. So I intently did not wish to do anything about it.

I begin to hear information about the retreat near April or May-ish. I didn't like the theme to be honest...I remember speaking to myself, "Who would pick the theme because there's a song that goes by the same line?" I mean, wow, might as well, just open up the Bible randomly and drop a pen! But I guess the Holy Spirit was indeed moving through the minds of our youth. This theme of "Here I Am, Lord" re-appears in the rest of the year numerous times, and even at Youth 2000 this year. That's another day's story.

I reluctantly decided to help, and really what's going through my mind was that, I will need the authority to actually do things and not a mere puppet or spokesperson. Unfortunately I'm very controlling. I knew in my mind what I need to implement and what kind of resources I would need to gather, and who I need to have doing what. I've been thinking about it since that day at Golden Corral. After all, J Pai had really did it when she used the STRONG format for CCX. I felt I could improve upon it, and go back to the spirit of the Cursillo, aka Awakening, and really bring out the Chinese Catholic experience. I guess I was thinking of a fusion of Longhorn Awakening and the Chinese Catholic Exchange. The retreat/camp is intended to foster discussion and contemplation of what it means to be Chinese, Catholic, and living in America. It was not necessarily restricted to those of Chinese descent or speakers, but also for those ministering or associated with the Chinese Catholic community in the US. And most of us are not very familiar with each other to say the least. And from my experience with staffing Awakening, my hunch is that they need this spirit of the unknown and the spirit of Awakening to really drive up the level of involvement to even begin to foster any sort of discussion.

Well, it is still a humbling pie experience, there were a ton of objectives that was not accomplished. The discussion panel sort of broke down, and most of the talks were not rehearsed, and there's still some sort of gap. A lot of things. Whatever. I barely remembered what happened on Saturday afternoon, I simply remember telling Marvin to take charge, and I sort of crashed. And even after they woke me at night, I still needed some Advil to calm my headache.

I found out hard time that coordinating a retreat/camp is a huge distraction to ministry. There's a lot of administrative and finance work. I just remember that getting to play at Mass was my one relief from all the mess. And I absolutely enjoyed Houston Ascension Band playing Praise and Worship and Adoration songs. Division of labor my friend. Whether or not I liked the administrative and financial work...we shall see.


Trip to Taiwan
Immediately following CCX, I took a week of break and flew myself to Taiwan on the last available ticket I could find, literally. Went back home and saw grandma, which was the principle purpose of my visit. After grandpa had passed away, she has not been the same. Money, money, money...and all sorts of other materialistic struggles. I wanted to live with her and experience her pains a little. And of course, given the chance let her see some of my life. Well, I was not in the best of shape to demonstrate to her what the Gospel is, but I did see and experience some of the pains she had to go through. I finished reading "Hail Holy Queen" by Scott Han while I was in Taiwan.


Lambda Omega Alpha
In the fall semester, after coming back from CCX and Taiwan, I sort of resolved and prayed that I may have some sort of deliverance from my struggles, and at the same time I really desired what I desired. And at the same time I also desired what I desired. [Wow, this is the most vague statement I've ever said probably, right next to the whole ship business.] Basically, I my desires were torn and the two sides were very strong emotional, spiritual, and physical struggle. Perhaps they were one of the same desire manifested in different ways. And at that moment neither were in the good direction.

Why do I talk about such things when the heading is Lambda Omega Alpha? Well, for those do not know, LOA is a Catholic fraternity at the University Catholic Center at UT. And of all the crazy things that a fraternity does, this one is Catholic and seemed to me a good place where I can search my soul as to what makes a good Catholic Man and Brotherhood. And this experience did provide me with a great many insights to myself and my fellow brothers, but further, of what makes good Man, good Catholic Man.

Not all the things we did were all honorable and shining knight stuff. And to this day, some of the stuff still haunts me. But of it came a springboard for me to further meditate about my raison d'etre. And the brotherhood provided me with accountability in some things. Through all my faults and triumphs (?), I realized that there is a lot to work on, a lot.

One more thing about this experience is that I begin to talk to more girls than I've ever done! Being an engineer locked up in the lab is morbid.


Graduation & Beyond
My social life has grown, but my academic life, heh, was in shambles. I studied very hard this semester, but I took too many liberal arts classes that required reading. And trying to graduate while doing a DSP lab with many philosophical and constitutional reading only serves to destroy what little free time I have left. Job search was not even on the schedule, I couldn't even make it out of town back home for most of the weekends. And graduation is not exactly swift and happy either. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I also wanted to have some savings and not have to rely on my parents. And of course, I was looking into getting some sort of research job that could jump off or accentuates my graduate school career. Well, I'm still looking for a job and trying to study the GRE.


Christmas
Well, amidst all of these struggles, insights, and vague stuff, came Christmas. And this is a strange Christmas too. No one at church decided to help with the Christmas program, and yet everyone expected to see it go. The usual people that helped organize the event were sitting back and watching. And the same thing? Some young people running the show. I was told last minute that I would MC the night in both Chinese and English! And I had my own program! Needless to say that I was annoyed. Expecting so much, and putting in not so much...bleh. Thank the Lord that things turned out okay, nothing big and explosive happened.

And that same Christmas Eve Mass, is when I gathered with many old friends and meet some new friends. And although not exactly knowing, one of those friend I made that day helped me to see to reconcile my torn heart. I didn't even know back then. And I'm sooooooooo grateful and thankful of her. In knowing her, I've become so much more aware of the spiritual journey that I've long forgotten that I've trod, and the flames of love that God shared upon us.

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I think the year ended at a Reuben's house, with us toasting to something I can't remember, perhaps to friendship, perhaps to blessings for the New Year, but I think the Good Lord gathered us there under that roof for a reason. And looking back, it is those moments where I opened my heart and let the Holy Spirit in, when my life begun to change. I still don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me, or why He has thus far brought me in this new year, through all my new struggles and old ones too. I must say though, that this past year has been the most crazy and spiritually trying (and failing) year. And I thank the Lord much for giving me a chance to stand back up and move forward again this year. I should be thankful, but for some reason I'm down and depressed, maybe even angry to some extend, not to mention frustrated and distracted.

I need to let the Spirit into my life. Consume me, Lord. Completely. Consume me.


TMH

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.

College -- Rise and Fall of Faith

[Originally written 03/07/2007, edited with conclusion on 02/15/2008]

Years ago, when I was graduating from high school, some of my fellow post-college friends told us that our faith in college would either flourish or fall. At the time that felt like a shock and a surge, I keep telling myself, I must make preparations and plans so that I do not fall.

Funny it must have been to God. No man will walk the journey of Christ without falling at least half a dozen times. And most of them will have struggled with various difficulties throughout the journey. One fall cannot destroy us, lest we decide to stay down in despair and in fear. No my brothers and sisters, college may have and probably will be the place that many will trip and fall, it is also a place for many to stand back up and to rise to holiness. And we are only human, we all have faults, no one will journey unchallenged. Even Jesus was tempted in the desert, and through His Lenten journey, Jesus showed us how it is to be done! I can only say from my own experience that if one takes the attitude that college will make or break a Christian -- and to hold the attitude that one may never recover from that -- is despairing and pessimist indeed. We must not forget that our lives are ultimately in the hands of God, and only by following Jesus will we know the way. And let's not forget that the Spirit is our teacher on the way when we are weary and doubtful. God is with us always! His incarnate word was named Emmanuel -- no other religion exists today speaks of the love of God so great -- as to become one and to live among us, and to give of Himself to us -- our very sinful state!

No, my friend, one does not fall and stay down, albeit that our college campus today is extremely voided for God. In philosophy classes, any arguments to do with God is dismissed either as naive, unsupported, discriminatory, or irrelevant. And often, many teaches the way of pleasure or maximized benefits as the criteria in examining moral, ethics, and other lively principles. Textbooks are constructed using weak pieces of the so-called "conservative" position and stronger pieces of the so-called "liberal" position. And these classes are often offered to freshman students as requirements in fine arts and social studies.

In freshman year, I took a rhetoric course titled, "Everything is an Argument", and now I begin to really see that purpose some of these ethics and philosophy classes are really just an argument that awaits to be analyzed and digested -- and not everything can be taken at a face value. But I do not think our average freshman will be prepared for the bombardment of "logistic", "tolerant", "legal" arguments that some of our professors puts up in these classes.

Classes tailored to educate students to be liberal is one thing, the whole experience of without parents and without supervision -- and the kind of activities thereof, drinking, sex, drugs, discrimination, list goes on -- becomes much more like the ordinary run-of-the-mill events one hears from friends and people across the hall. Yes, the outlook of it seems gloom, but it's not all doom I must say.

Unlike my friend, I believe that it is this attitude of oh if I fall, then I'm gone, might as well do this and that, oh, since I've fall so far, might as well try that. Such attitude is what 'causes further degrading of ones will to continue on the journey of faith, along side with the external factors of teenage-hood, leaving-home, new environment, etc. I know it is hard sometimes, seeing all the environmental factors, but we must not forget the attitude we hold also speaks very much of how much action we will undertake. And of course, the Man upstairs is always watching over us. So the outlook isn't all that bad -- in my opinion.

But what do we do when we fall?

Stand back up and keep moving! Maybe there are times when you fall, you don't know where you are and which way to go any more, and that is when you seek the guidance of the Spirit. There's more struggle than just the usual sex, drug, and alcohol lurking around -- loneliness, sickness, grades, vocation, friendship, boyfriends, girlfriends -- tons of them, small things like roommate may even make or break someone's semester -- and possible academic career!

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But most importantly of all, stand back up and move along. Do you want your faith life to go into Ashes? Because from Ashes we were made, and on the Last Day -- from Ashes we shall rise.

TMH

Name.

[Article started on Oct. 7, 2006: added more stuff on Oct. 22, 2006]

Every name has its story believe me you. And Untitled Benedictus is no exception. When I was a senior in high school, I wrote an entry in my journal (actual journal) of my thoughts on religious vocation, and I couldn't think of a title, but I do remembered that there was just sooo much blessing in life that I simply cannot name (event to this day), they're like unnamed blessings! And well, that's where the name of the original website "Untitled Benedictus" came from. I hosted it on geocities with yahoo (back in the hay days), but it was deleted due to inactivity. I lost a great many articles on that website. [Hopefully I won't lost any in this site *evil narrow eyes*]

But I guess over the years in college, I realized that there's a need for me to consider much deeply about religious vocation. Actually, I realized that I need to think about "vocation" in general, not just religious alone. Funny thing is, religious vocation seemed easiest because I have never dated anyone before, and at the time it seemed easier of the few states to flow into. But after couple years of thinking, I realized that there's no reason that religious vocation would be any easier than marriage or single life. I simply have not looked into any of them and that is not the same thing as the "easier to go into priesthood" business. And I realized that no matter which way I end up going to, there's a much more important issue at hand. The finding of myself, in relation to Christ and to the world. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What does God want me to do? Who am I? Why am I borned this way? These are just some of the questions that I am still realizing I cannot ansewr without the guidance of Jesus. And I think to some degree all life is meaningless without having first answered these questions, and over the years I begin to realize that I have a zealeous will to find out the answers to these questions.

And I intend to walk this journey with the thorns in me and find out the answers (and follow through with them) whilst writing down a piece of my mind, so that maybe one day you can take as a reference of some sort...or maybe it will be the joke of the day, who knows. But for myself, I wish to know -- my reason of being. Actually, I wish to BE my reason of being, knowing is easy, but doing is sometimes the hardest thing...and I hope...


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Notice how we all have our a name that is given to us at birth? Notice how there are just things in life we're given, not that we couldn't choose later in life, but they were given to us...and nothing is required from us. It's like part of us is given to us at birth, we did not have to give anything, but it seems like sometimes we're taking them for granted or maybe we just don't appreciate it enough...? Need to talk about this a bit more.