Retrospect 2007.

[There are some things not particularly mentioned, especially my Awakening experiences, which probably will have its own article some time in the future soon...]

I know it's April, but I guess it takes time to really think about the past. I just spend two hours cleaning out my gmail inbox, about 200-300 email exchanges each at least 5-12 levels deep of conversation regarding on to organize and execute the Chinese Catholic Exchange retreat. And then the rest of it are prayer requests from Awakening listserv, and the other big chunk is articles from Fr. Au, and of course, there's lots of homework, labs, and school-related stuff.

Well, looking back at the year 2007, I've done a lot of things, good and bad, and as part of a three year progress since 2005, when I moved out of the dorms, in the year 2008, I think I've finally started again to come to realize the importance of my spiritual life, with new found areas in community, fellowship, and friendship. The year 2007 was kind of a struggling year for me. And this year so far, first quarter gone, has been a lot of sweeping changes and reverting backs, in addition to new areas of work that needs to be done.

I vaguely remember all the events that befall in 2007, but CCX #3, my trip to Taiwan, the purgatory of Senior design project, May Fever, joining the Lambdas, Graduation, and Christmas Chill are few of the most notable and memorable, if not shaping experience of my life. I think any of the listed event could easily occupy pages and pages. I guess I would like to pick a few of these things and very briefly describe what happened and its implications to my life at this moment.


Beginning of the Year
To be honest, I do not remember what happened in the month prior to May of 2007. I think I've lived in a zombie state, dealing with papers, exams, and what-not. I just remember doing a ton of research on robotics, and spend a lot of time outside Dr. Valvano's office, or in his office. Hazy...

Purgatory of Senior Design Project (Spring 2007)
The school year really kicked in fast when I decided to do a project on anthropomorphic multi-robot system, to see whether my technical skills actually equates to what I know. I guess I really wanted to hurt myself or something. But my intention was to figure out how much stuff I've learned and how much of it can I apply? I intended to find a partner in this project, but ended up doing it alone... There was a lot of struggle and mistrust of partners since my break up in EE 345L, and some of my EE 345M time hasn't been good in constructing more permanent partnership, although we still remain good friends (?).

I did not complete the project. My TA was a control systems specialist, but he knows very little about embedded systems and constructing robots. Not exactly the right situation. And I was doing the project as an honors project, so no supervising professor, just a sponsoring professor. Well, I was able to complete most of the mechanical parts, and putting them together, I tell you, it's not very professional looking. Could have used some ME partners and some freshmen metal shop time helps. And in addition, there are tons of paper to write and revise.

I got really depressed pretty soon, in addition to unfriendly working environment at the ENS. I had to carry all my projects around, and no one ever told me we could store our project at the ENS! The enormity of the project on the technical and emotional level simply overwhelmed me. That and in addition to having to cook and participate and try to have a social life, or try to be active in my spiritual life -- simply flooded me. Some days I try my best to work on it, but most of the time, I've lost my passion for my studies.

I am still very bitter to this day of those projects that are simple, some of them are recreated power lab projects...but I do have to admit, some of the projects are simple, but supremely brilliant and original. And this experience has been an extreme humble pie for me. But I didn't set out to get A in this class. I wanted a realistic and honest evaluation of my engineering skills and knowledge. And I got my answer. I passed -- barely. And this experience has been quite hindering to my job search right now, been having problem giving myself enough confidence to step out and present myself. But it's in the works.


May Fever
Very long story, and there is little point of me going into detail. But some of my lifelong struggles carried into a level of unchecked and unbalanced life. Basically, between the senior design project and this, my life is torn in parts. And I continued to struggle with this problem, but more in the open and more in actions than just thoughts and temptations. I've since this new year been praying for transformation and conversion of my soul and trying to understand the reason of this struggle and it has gotten a lot better. But it continued throughout the year until Christmas.


CCX #3
I remember two ago, on Sunday after CCX #2, we ate at Golden Corral. During the course of the meal, a lot of the organizers gathered at one table talking about the next CCX, well, and there are some of us were simply left out of the discussion. Actually, if I had said anything, it probably would not have amounted to much anyways, most of what I say makes little sense. So I intently did not wish to do anything about it.

I begin to hear information about the retreat near April or May-ish. I didn't like the theme to be honest...I remember speaking to myself, "Who would pick the theme because there's a song that goes by the same line?" I mean, wow, might as well, just open up the Bible randomly and drop a pen! But I guess the Holy Spirit was indeed moving through the minds of our youth. This theme of "Here I Am, Lord" re-appears in the rest of the year numerous times, and even at Youth 2000 this year. That's another day's story.

I reluctantly decided to help, and really what's going through my mind was that, I will need the authority to actually do things and not a mere puppet or spokesperson. Unfortunately I'm very controlling. I knew in my mind what I need to implement and what kind of resources I would need to gather, and who I need to have doing what. I've been thinking about it since that day at Golden Corral. After all, J Pai had really did it when she used the STRONG format for CCX. I felt I could improve upon it, and go back to the spirit of the Cursillo, aka Awakening, and really bring out the Chinese Catholic experience. I guess I was thinking of a fusion of Longhorn Awakening and the Chinese Catholic Exchange. The retreat/camp is intended to foster discussion and contemplation of what it means to be Chinese, Catholic, and living in America. It was not necessarily restricted to those of Chinese descent or speakers, but also for those ministering or associated with the Chinese Catholic community in the US. And most of us are not very familiar with each other to say the least. And from my experience with staffing Awakening, my hunch is that they need this spirit of the unknown and the spirit of Awakening to really drive up the level of involvement to even begin to foster any sort of discussion.

Well, it is still a humbling pie experience, there were a ton of objectives that was not accomplished. The discussion panel sort of broke down, and most of the talks were not rehearsed, and there's still some sort of gap. A lot of things. Whatever. I barely remembered what happened on Saturday afternoon, I simply remember telling Marvin to take charge, and I sort of crashed. And even after they woke me at night, I still needed some Advil to calm my headache.

I found out hard time that coordinating a retreat/camp is a huge distraction to ministry. There's a lot of administrative and finance work. I just remember that getting to play at Mass was my one relief from all the mess. And I absolutely enjoyed Houston Ascension Band playing Praise and Worship and Adoration songs. Division of labor my friend. Whether or not I liked the administrative and financial work...we shall see.


Trip to Taiwan
Immediately following CCX, I took a week of break and flew myself to Taiwan on the last available ticket I could find, literally. Went back home and saw grandma, which was the principle purpose of my visit. After grandpa had passed away, she has not been the same. Money, money, money...and all sorts of other materialistic struggles. I wanted to live with her and experience her pains a little. And of course, given the chance let her see some of my life. Well, I was not in the best of shape to demonstrate to her what the Gospel is, but I did see and experience some of the pains she had to go through. I finished reading "Hail Holy Queen" by Scott Han while I was in Taiwan.


Lambda Omega Alpha
In the fall semester, after coming back from CCX and Taiwan, I sort of resolved and prayed that I may have some sort of deliverance from my struggles, and at the same time I really desired what I desired. And at the same time I also desired what I desired. [Wow, this is the most vague statement I've ever said probably, right next to the whole ship business.] Basically, I my desires were torn and the two sides were very strong emotional, spiritual, and physical struggle. Perhaps they were one of the same desire manifested in different ways. And at that moment neither were in the good direction.

Why do I talk about such things when the heading is Lambda Omega Alpha? Well, for those do not know, LOA is a Catholic fraternity at the University Catholic Center at UT. And of all the crazy things that a fraternity does, this one is Catholic and seemed to me a good place where I can search my soul as to what makes a good Catholic Man and Brotherhood. And this experience did provide me with a great many insights to myself and my fellow brothers, but further, of what makes good Man, good Catholic Man.

Not all the things we did were all honorable and shining knight stuff. And to this day, some of the stuff still haunts me. But of it came a springboard for me to further meditate about my raison d'etre. And the brotherhood provided me with accountability in some things. Through all my faults and triumphs (?), I realized that there is a lot to work on, a lot.

One more thing about this experience is that I begin to talk to more girls than I've ever done! Being an engineer locked up in the lab is morbid.


Graduation & Beyond
My social life has grown, but my academic life, heh, was in shambles. I studied very hard this semester, but I took too many liberal arts classes that required reading. And trying to graduate while doing a DSP lab with many philosophical and constitutional reading only serves to destroy what little free time I have left. Job search was not even on the schedule, I couldn't even make it out of town back home for most of the weekends. And graduation is not exactly swift and happy either. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I also wanted to have some savings and not have to rely on my parents. And of course, I was looking into getting some sort of research job that could jump off or accentuates my graduate school career. Well, I'm still looking for a job and trying to study the GRE.


Christmas
Well, amidst all of these struggles, insights, and vague stuff, came Christmas. And this is a strange Christmas too. No one at church decided to help with the Christmas program, and yet everyone expected to see it go. The usual people that helped organize the event were sitting back and watching. And the same thing? Some young people running the show. I was told last minute that I would MC the night in both Chinese and English! And I had my own program! Needless to say that I was annoyed. Expecting so much, and putting in not so much...bleh. Thank the Lord that things turned out okay, nothing big and explosive happened.

And that same Christmas Eve Mass, is when I gathered with many old friends and meet some new friends. And although not exactly knowing, one of those friend I made that day helped me to see to reconcile my torn heart. I didn't even know back then. And I'm sooooooooo grateful and thankful of her. In knowing her, I've become so much more aware of the spiritual journey that I've long forgotten that I've trod, and the flames of love that God shared upon us.

---

I think the year ended at a Reuben's house, with us toasting to something I can't remember, perhaps to friendship, perhaps to blessings for the New Year, but I think the Good Lord gathered us there under that roof for a reason. And looking back, it is those moments where I opened my heart and let the Holy Spirit in, when my life begun to change. I still don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me, or why He has thus far brought me in this new year, through all my new struggles and old ones too. I must say though, that this past year has been the most crazy and spiritually trying (and failing) year. And I thank the Lord much for giving me a chance to stand back up and move forward again this year. I should be thankful, but for some reason I'm down and depressed, maybe even angry to some extend, not to mention frustrated and distracted.

I need to let the Spirit into my life. Consume me, Lord. Completely. Consume me.


TMH

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.

Youth 2000 Meditation.

[I apologize ahead of time that this entry is again long, arduous, unorganized, and, if anything else, vague; but such is the nature of the topic of discussion at this moment, I will write another entry completing this meditation, perhaps with more vivid story telling. But right now, I seek to understand and analyze, so abstract-ness is probably better. As far as vagueness goes, you know what I am talking about if you know what I am talking about, I made it that way.]

Youth 2000 is a retreat organized by the Franciscan Friars of Renewal from the Diocese of New York. This retreat is usually held in the Diocese of Fort Worth in Texas and many of the North Texans come to this event to enrich and grow in their spiritual life.

The last time I went on this retreat, I was a high schooler, and still trying to understand my faith and reconciling that with my life. And I don't remember much details from that retreat. Several things took place in my life since last Christmas and the New Year befell, and I felt drawn and compelled to attend this retreat, though I do have my reservations and in my mind, I wondered how much spiritual growth I would obtain. Actually, at the same time I am afraid of the growth that I might get, implying responsibility and suffering. Surprisingly, in many ways it has given me much food for thought and meditation -- that perhaps will take me years to unravel my experience this past weekend.

The Eucharist is exposed during the entire weekend of the retreat until the Mass of Divine Mercy on Sunday. And Adoration is perpetual except during Mass. And after my years at college, I realize that this retreat has so much love of Jesus packed into it, my head is kind of in shock and ache right now as I sit in front of my laptop typing out my experience. I wanted to share a small part of my experiencing of this retreat. And some of the things that I had been meditating on.

It is importantly that I recall some things that was on my mind. These were my reading reflections from Fulton Sheen, Frank Sheed, Christopher West, and JPII. It sort of sets up my mind frame right now and when I was meditating on Saturday (I put them in one big paragraph, so you can skip over for time's sake):

Jesus was the only man in history Who's birth is to foreshadow His suffering, His Cross, and His Resurrection. No other man was born to die as He did. Why did our Blessed Lord have to do this? Because God loves us. It is a Love that is infinite. Think of the biggest number you got, and it's bigger than that. Well, God's Love is so great for us, humans, that He is willing to take on the form of human flesh and blood -- to experience what we experience, to see, to hear, to eat, to drink, and to suffer -- to redeem us to His Grace. Why? Because human kind fell from that original state of innocence when they took bite out of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve, from a state of innocence in "solitude, unity, and sacred nakedness" (TOB, C. West) lived with God's glory shining through them. And in the original state of innocence, when God created male and female, He blessed them and told them to be fruitful and to multiply. And God did so, creating humans in male and female, in His Divine image of the Trinity. The Father loves the Son, and the Son is obedient to the Father in His love, and from thence, this Love overflows and is the Holy Spirit. Three persons, but one nature, the Divine. And such Love, as unseen as any one on earth could ever imagine or feel, are not altogether unreachable. For in the image of the male and the female persons, God in His infinite wisdom, placed marks and signs of reminder to the Divine Trinitarian Love. And it is in this love that the union between Adam and Eve in the beginning was so. And in that grievous Fault, Adam and Eve became ashamed and obstructed of this love. [My use of language here is very loose, paraphrasing from what I remembered, and it is jumping around because it is my train of thought unedited]. Why? Well, before the Fall, in the beginning, man and woman see and know each other without fear and without reserve, because their love is that of selfless giving, out of their freedom in total giving of self to each other. The urges of lust had not entered into the picture, nor has the idea of using one another as means to pleasure been there. And when man and woman first sow fig leaves to cover themselves, this complete, total, selfless giving is obstructed by lust and other sins. And the glory of God certainly could not permeate through our First Parents as such, when the truth of love is rejected. And the mission of the Christ, our blessed Lord, is to redeem this "fallen nature" of ours, and to bring again to union that Divine Love with the human flesh, as is evident in His Incarnation. And it is precisely in His act of selfless giving, completely out of free will, that Jesus demonstrated to us what love is like before sin. And any union between Man and Woman, must necessarily again, follow this principle for it to be holy.

-- Back to my actual thoughts --

Such were the some of the ideas on my mind on Saturday. I said a prayer for love during Mass and asked God what does He want of me after Holy Communion. Well, throughout the night, and even back during in the day also, God spoke to me in many different ways. But one thing that came to my mind, when Jesus passed by me, during the Eucharist Procession, was the love that God has for me. And it is in that precise manner of love that He expected in return from me -- total giving of the self, in my free will -- to love. And it is in that precise moment that I realized that I don't know if I could totally give of myself without kicking and screaming, and all sorts of misery!

And I was afraid, how could I say that I love God but unable to say to God that I am will to give of myself freely to all that He wills? But I realize that I do not love God any less than I did just a minute ago, but there seemed to be more distance now. And in reflection, how can I say that I love someone, if I cannot give of myself freely without reserve? And I keep telling myself that for one I would -- but then what about the Holy One of the Lord? There seems to be a slight disconnect between my love for Jesus and my love for another. I could say with some degree of certainty that if another had asked me of anything, I would have done with all my being, what is asked of me, well, except in the case where Jesus and the other would ask for this other same thing. Coming back, I do not know if I could say with the same degree of certainty that if Jesus had asked of me that of my love, the same very "love" that I claimed to have, would drive me to do all things.

I know this is vague, but in essence, there is a disconnect between my love of a creature and my love of the Creator. The creature is a sign, a reminder to us, a road sign if you will of how far Heaven is, and what it is like in the Divine Love of God. But if I am obstructed by the road sign, I cannot see the road further. Similarly, I cannot myself be obstructing others on my journey, lest God strike me down for such attempts. But it feels to me that in this day and age, it is already hard enough to find love that satisfies, and that it is immensely more so increasing in difficult to seek that perfect Love of God. I recognize this, and try really hard to always ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts that they may be centered on God. But in life, there ensues a much harder struggle.

The struggle sets in tihs delinma that we are all called to seek that perfect Love, and ask God for that strength, but unless I myself would open my heart to let the Holy Spirit in to guide me in practicing and loving God in all that I am, my faith life is lacking and miserable. But the reverse is also true, because in the giving of self, I would have to sacrifice what I had, what I have, and what I might have in the future, which I realized is the hardest thing to give up of, which makes me equally miserable. I guess it is the problem of obedience versus free will. If I were to be obedient, which is quite easy for me to do in various occasions, growing up in the Asian families trains most kids to be automatic in such issues, I no longer contemplate of my "free will". And in matters that I do, it seems like my obedience binds me in chains and sometimes to things I do not desire but otherwise of guilt and shame for not doing so.

Contrary to most people's experience about finding peace in that "moment" of confirmation, or the retreat high that people get, this is not to say the retreat is bad, I came out affirming my faith, but with a huge bag of questions, thoughts, and anxieties that I had not thought of before. In fact, I find all the singing during Adoration to be quite distracting with the hand motions, it takes away my mind from Jesus and my contemplations. And I do have to say, at the conclusion of the retreat, God had given me what I asked for when I set out to come to Youth 2000. I'm still in the kicking and screaming mode -- and possibly false rationalization stage...

I'm gonna need some major prayers on this one...maybe I have always needed this big prayer, just that I am way to distracted by other stuff...and have finally come to the realization of this "ship" that I am.


TMH

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!