Often times I hear people make remarks about finding that retreat high on the way back or the feeling of missing the retreat on Sunday on the way home. A spiritual retreat is suppose to recharge us and ready us to go back to the real world and live as Christ has commended us to. I think it is no coincidence that these retreat highs and lows corresponds to the pattern by which some of these friends that I've heard making such remarks about the rise and fall of their life. But it is suppose to be like that?
Let's take an analogy of our life as a journey, both physically and spiritually. We are growing everyday as we eat and drink physically. From childhood to teenage years, then to adulthood. So it is with our spiritual life. And on our journey we may choose to go this way or another, or to stop and check out one place over another. And God leads people into our lives and interact with us, to engulf us in His Mystical Body. And there are places that we go, some "good stops", sort to speak, to re-align and re-focus our lives towards serving God and each other. It is a fact that we know that we cannot simply stay at the "good stop" forever, we have to move on to continue the journey. Though while at the good stop, we ought to take our time and give praise and thanksgiving in appreciation to God.
One other important aspect of this journey, be it physical or spiritual, is food. In the physical world, there's a saying that one needs bread to live. And according to our Blessed Lord, "man do not live on bread alone". Our spiritual life requires food. We eat every day, some of us more fortunate to eat more meals, and it is more or less a matter depending on economics and well, ability to acquire food for meals. For it is the condition that we were set when our fore-parents left the Garden of Eden in their grievous fault. Fortunately for us, our spiritual food, is blessed from on high, that it is given to us, as the Manna of the Old Testament days. When our Blessed Lord gave us His Body and His Blood, and commended us to eat of it, He gave us the means to sustain our spiritual journey.
So, let us take a look at this analogy again. We got many people who goes to Mass every Sunday and perhaps one more day during the week when their youth group meets, and even then, maybe, just maybe, go to Mass and receive Communion. And for many of us, sometimes the Sacrament of Reconciliation is done monthly? Yearly? Or worst, sporadically in our lives! I recognize the fact that confession must be made out of free will and contrite heart, well, that is the more matter worthy of our consideration! Here are some ways by which God's Grace flows through and into the physical world, also known as "sacraments", and it is for us to receive, if we are willing and make an effort to prepare and appreciate it. And taking it to the analogy, we are journeying, from one place to another, but we only eat every Sunday, and maybe sometimes one more time during the week, and maybe one or two more additional days during the year (that may or may not be on the same day as the other dates mentioned). Well, I think the picture I've painted is one who has eating problem, if we were talking about physically eating. But so it is with the case with our of spiritual diet.
It is important to note though, that eating too much, gluttony, or a disrespect thereof, of food, is a bad thing. So it is in the spiritual sense. The lack of appreciation, the waste thereof, of the Graces that we are given is gluttony indeed! So as there is balance with eating in the physical sense, there is also a balance for each of us in our diet on our spiritual journey.
It is not nearly enough to eat every Sunday! Much more reckless and irresponsible to eat sporadically, or only on holidays! Eating physically is pleasurable because it satisfy our hunger, so it is with spiritual food for it satisfies our spiritual hunger and thirst. And I suspect the "highs" we get from retreats is because of all the Graces that God had poured forth in the spiritual banquet, not only to recharge us, but also to provide us with the necessary means to establish new habits of spiritual diet that we may gain new ways by which our relationship with Him is strengthened, re-enforced, and supported. Basically, new habits by which we can firmly, as we go forth from our retreats to face the challenges of the world, to pray unceasingly as our breath is, and to love arduously as our Blessed Lord did crucified on the Cross.
And it would be indeed a waste of God's Grace to feast on the banquet and leave without taking the lunch packs He has prepared for us to take on our journey! Well, What kind of diet are you on? Are you on a spiritual diet to gain support and satisfaction of your spiritual hunger? Or are you on a spiritual diet that would lead you to starvation of the soul? Don't binge spiritually, but eat and drink in spirit and in truth regularly so that you may live in the light!
TMH
St. Martha, pray for us!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Retrospect 2007.
[There are some things not particularly mentioned, especially my Awakening experiences, which probably will have its own article some time in the future soon...]
I know it's April, but I guess it takes time to really think about the past. I just spend two hours cleaning out my gmail inbox, about 200-300 email exchanges each at least 5-12 levels deep of conversation regarding on to organize and execute the Chinese Catholic Exchange retreat. And then the rest of it are prayer requests from Awakening listserv, and the other big chunk is articles from Fr. Au, and of course, there's lots of homework, labs, and school-related stuff.
Well, looking back at the year 2007, I've done a lot of things, good and bad, and as part of a three year progress since 2005, when I moved out of the dorms, in the year 2008, I think I've finally started again to come to realize the importance of my spiritual life, with new found areas in community, fellowship, and friendship. The year 2007 was kind of a struggling year for me. And this year so far, first quarter gone, has been a lot of sweeping changes and reverting backs, in addition to new areas of work that needs to be done.
I vaguely remember all the events that befall in 2007, but CCX #3, my trip to Taiwan, the purgatory of Senior design project, May Fever, joining the Lambdas, Graduation, and Christmas Chill are few of the most notable and memorable, if not shaping experience of my life. I think any of the listed event could easily occupy pages and pages. I guess I would like to pick a few of these things and very briefly describe what happened and its implications to my life at this moment.
Beginning of the Year
To be honest, I do not remember what happened in the month prior to May of 2007. I think I've lived in a zombie state, dealing with papers, exams, and what-not. I just remember doing a ton of research on robotics, and spend a lot of time outside Dr. Valvano's office, or in his office. Hazy...
Purgatory of Senior Design Project (Spring 2007)
The school year really kicked in fast when I decided to do a project on anthropomorphic multi-robot system, to see whether my technical skills actually equates to what I know. I guess I really wanted to hurt myself or something. But my intention was to figure out how much stuff I've learned and how much of it can I apply? I intended to find a partner in this project, but ended up doing it alone... There was a lot of struggle and mistrust of partners since my break up in EE 345L, and some of my EE 345M time hasn't been good in constructing more permanent partnership, although we still remain good friends (?).
I did not complete the project. My TA was a control systems specialist, but he knows very little about embedded systems and constructing robots. Not exactly the right situation. And I was doing the project as an honors project, so no supervising professor, just a sponsoring professor. Well, I was able to complete most of the mechanical parts, and putting them together, I tell you, it's not very professional looking. Could have used some ME partners and some freshmen metal shop time helps. And in addition, there are tons of paper to write and revise.
I got really depressed pretty soon, in addition to unfriendly working environment at the ENS. I had to carry all my projects around, and no one ever told me we could store our project at the ENS! The enormity of the project on the technical and emotional level simply overwhelmed me. That and in addition to having to cook and participate and try to have a social life, or try to be active in my spiritual life -- simply flooded me. Some days I try my best to work on it, but most of the time, I've lost my passion for my studies.
I am still very bitter to this day of those projects that are simple, some of them are recreated power lab projects...but I do have to admit, some of the projects are simple, but supremely brilliant and original. And this experience has been an extreme humble pie for me. But I didn't set out to get A in this class. I wanted a realistic and honest evaluation of my engineering skills and knowledge. And I got my answer. I passed -- barely. And this experience has been quite hindering to my job search right now, been having problem giving myself enough confidence to step out and present myself. But it's in the works.
May Fever
Very long story, and there is little point of me going into detail. But some of my lifelong struggles carried into a level of unchecked and unbalanced life. Basically, between the senior design project and this, my life is torn in parts. And I continued to struggle with this problem, but more in the open and more in actions than just thoughts and temptations. I've since this new year been praying for transformation and conversion of my soul and trying to understand the reason of this struggle and it has gotten a lot better. But it continued throughout the year until Christmas.
CCX #3
I remember two ago, on Sunday after CCX #2, we ate at Golden Corral. During the course of the meal, a lot of the organizers gathered at one table talking about the next CCX, well, and there are some of us were simply left out of the discussion. Actually, if I had said anything, it probably would not have amounted to much anyways, most of what I say makes little sense. So I intently did not wish to do anything about it.
I begin to hear information about the retreat near April or May-ish. I didn't like the theme to be honest...I remember speaking to myself, "Who would pick the theme because there's a song that goes by the same line?" I mean, wow, might as well, just open up the Bible randomly and drop a pen! But I guess the Holy Spirit was indeed moving through the minds of our youth. This theme of "Here I Am, Lord" re-appears in the rest of the year numerous times, and even at Youth 2000 this year. That's another day's story.
I reluctantly decided to help, and really what's going through my mind was that, I will need the authority to actually do things and not a mere puppet or spokesperson. Unfortunately I'm very controlling. I knew in my mind what I need to implement and what kind of resources I would need to gather, and who I need to have doing what. I've been thinking about it since that day at Golden Corral. After all, J Pai had really did it when she used the STRONG format for CCX. I felt I could improve upon it, and go back to the spirit of the Cursillo, aka Awakening, and really bring out the Chinese Catholic experience. I guess I was thinking of a fusion of Longhorn Awakening and the Chinese Catholic Exchange. The retreat/camp is intended to foster discussion and contemplation of what it means to be Chinese, Catholic, and living in America. It was not necessarily restricted to those of Chinese descent or speakers, but also for those ministering or associated with the Chinese Catholic community in the US. And most of us are not very familiar with each other to say the least. And from my experience with staffing Awakening, my hunch is that they need this spirit of the unknown and the spirit of Awakening to really drive up the level of involvement to even begin to foster any sort of discussion.
Well, it is still a humbling pie experience, there were a ton of objectives that was not accomplished. The discussion panel sort of broke down, and most of the talks were not rehearsed, and there's still some sort of gap. A lot of things. Whatever. I barely remembered what happened on Saturday afternoon, I simply remember telling Marvin to take charge, and I sort of crashed. And even after they woke me at night, I still needed some Advil to calm my headache.
I found out hard time that coordinating a retreat/camp is a huge distraction to ministry. There's a lot of administrative and finance work. I just remember that getting to play at Mass was my one relief from all the mess. And I absolutely enjoyed Houston Ascension Band playing Praise and Worship and Adoration songs. Division of labor my friend. Whether or not I liked the administrative and financial work...we shall see.
Trip to Taiwan
Immediately following CCX, I took a week of break and flew myself to Taiwan on the last available ticket I could find, literally. Went back home and saw grandma, which was the principle purpose of my visit. After grandpa had passed away, she has not been the same. Money, money, money...and all sorts of other materialistic struggles. I wanted to live with her and experience her pains a little. And of course, given the chance let her see some of my life. Well, I was not in the best of shape to demonstrate to her what the Gospel is, but I did see and experience some of the pains she had to go through. I finished reading "Hail Holy Queen" by Scott Han while I was in Taiwan.
Lambda Omega Alpha
In the fall semester, after coming back from CCX and Taiwan, I sort of resolved and prayed that I may have some sort of deliverance from my struggles, and at the same time I really desired what I desired. And at the same time I also desired what I desired. [Wow, this is the most vague statement I've ever said probably, right next to the whole ship business.] Basically, I my desires were torn and the two sides were very strong emotional, spiritual, and physical struggle. Perhaps they were one of the same desire manifested in different ways. And at that moment neither were in the good direction.
Why do I talk about such things when the heading is Lambda Omega Alpha? Well, for those do not know, LOA is a Catholic fraternity at the University Catholic Center at UT. And of all the crazy things that a fraternity does, this one is Catholic and seemed to me a good place where I can search my soul as to what makes a good Catholic Man and Brotherhood. And this experience did provide me with a great many insights to myself and my fellow brothers, but further, of what makes good Man, good Catholic Man.
Not all the things we did were all honorable and shining knight stuff. And to this day, some of the stuff still haunts me. But of it came a springboard for me to further meditate about my raison d'etre. And the brotherhood provided me with accountability in some things. Through all my faults and triumphs (?), I realized that there is a lot to work on, a lot.
One more thing about this experience is that I begin to talk to more girls than I've ever done! Being an engineer locked up in the lab is morbid.
Graduation & Beyond
My social life has grown, but my academic life, heh, was in shambles. I studied very hard this semester, but I took too many liberal arts classes that required reading. And trying to graduate while doing a DSP lab with many philosophical and constitutional reading only serves to destroy what little free time I have left. Job search was not even on the schedule, I couldn't even make it out of town back home for most of the weekends. And graduation is not exactly swift and happy either. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I also wanted to have some savings and not have to rely on my parents. And of course, I was looking into getting some sort of research job that could jump off or accentuates my graduate school career. Well, I'm still looking for a job and trying to study the GRE.
Christmas
Well, amidst all of these struggles, insights, and vague stuff, came Christmas. And this is a strange Christmas too. No one at church decided to help with the Christmas program, and yet everyone expected to see it go. The usual people that helped organize the event were sitting back and watching. And the same thing? Some young people running the show. I was told last minute that I would MC the night in both Chinese and English! And I had my own program! Needless to say that I was annoyed. Expecting so much, and putting in not so much...bleh. Thank the Lord that things turned out okay, nothing big and explosive happened.
And that same Christmas Eve Mass, is when I gathered with many old friends and meet some new friends. And although not exactly knowing, one of those friend I made that day helped me to see to reconcile my torn heart. I didn't even know back then. And I'm sooooooooo grateful and thankful of her. In knowing her, I've become so much more aware of the spiritual journey that I've long forgotten that I've trod, and the flames of love that God shared upon us.
---
I think the year ended at a Reuben's house, with us toasting to something I can't remember, perhaps to friendship, perhaps to blessings for the New Year, but I think the Good Lord gathered us there under that roof for a reason. And looking back, it is those moments where I opened my heart and let the Holy Spirit in, when my life begun to change. I still don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me, or why He has thus far brought me in this new year, through all my new struggles and old ones too. I must say though, that this past year has been the most crazy and spiritually trying (and failing) year. And I thank the Lord much for giving me a chance to stand back up and move forward again this year. I should be thankful, but for some reason I'm down and depressed, maybe even angry to some extend, not to mention frustrated and distracted.
I need to let the Spirit into my life. Consume me, Lord. Completely. Consume me.
TMH
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.
I know it's April, but I guess it takes time to really think about the past. I just spend two hours cleaning out my gmail inbox, about 200-300 email exchanges each at least 5-12 levels deep of conversation regarding on to organize and execute the Chinese Catholic Exchange retreat. And then the rest of it are prayer requests from Awakening listserv, and the other big chunk is articles from Fr. Au, and of course, there's lots of homework, labs, and school-related stuff.
Well, looking back at the year 2007, I've done a lot of things, good and bad, and as part of a three year progress since 2005, when I moved out of the dorms, in the year 2008, I think I've finally started again to come to realize the importance of my spiritual life, with new found areas in community, fellowship, and friendship. The year 2007 was kind of a struggling year for me. And this year so far, first quarter gone, has been a lot of sweeping changes and reverting backs, in addition to new areas of work that needs to be done.
I vaguely remember all the events that befall in 2007, but CCX #3, my trip to Taiwan, the purgatory of Senior design project, May Fever, joining the Lambdas, Graduation, and Christmas Chill are few of the most notable and memorable, if not shaping experience of my life. I think any of the listed event could easily occupy pages and pages. I guess I would like to pick a few of these things and very briefly describe what happened and its implications to my life at this moment.
Beginning of the Year
To be honest, I do not remember what happened in the month prior to May of 2007. I think I've lived in a zombie state, dealing with papers, exams, and what-not. I just remember doing a ton of research on robotics, and spend a lot of time outside Dr. Valvano's office, or in his office. Hazy...
Purgatory of Senior Design Project (Spring 2007)
The school year really kicked in fast when I decided to do a project on anthropomorphic multi-robot system, to see whether my technical skills actually equates to what I know. I guess I really wanted to hurt myself or something. But my intention was to figure out how much stuff I've learned and how much of it can I apply? I intended to find a partner in this project, but ended up doing it alone... There was a lot of struggle and mistrust of partners since my break up in EE 345L, and some of my EE 345M time hasn't been good in constructing more permanent partnership, although we still remain good friends (?).
I did not complete the project. My TA was a control systems specialist, but he knows very little about embedded systems and constructing robots. Not exactly the right situation. And I was doing the project as an honors project, so no supervising professor, just a sponsoring professor. Well, I was able to complete most of the mechanical parts, and putting them together, I tell you, it's not very professional looking. Could have used some ME partners and some freshmen metal shop time helps. And in addition, there are tons of paper to write and revise.
I got really depressed pretty soon, in addition to unfriendly working environment at the ENS. I had to carry all my projects around, and no one ever told me we could store our project at the ENS! The enormity of the project on the technical and emotional level simply overwhelmed me. That and in addition to having to cook and participate and try to have a social life, or try to be active in my spiritual life -- simply flooded me. Some days I try my best to work on it, but most of the time, I've lost my passion for my studies.
I am still very bitter to this day of those projects that are simple, some of them are recreated power lab projects...but I do have to admit, some of the projects are simple, but supremely brilliant and original. And this experience has been an extreme humble pie for me. But I didn't set out to get A in this class. I wanted a realistic and honest evaluation of my engineering skills and knowledge. And I got my answer. I passed -- barely. And this experience has been quite hindering to my job search right now, been having problem giving myself enough confidence to step out and present myself. But it's in the works.
May Fever
Very long story, and there is little point of me going into detail. But some of my lifelong struggles carried into a level of unchecked and unbalanced life. Basically, between the senior design project and this, my life is torn in parts. And I continued to struggle with this problem, but more in the open and more in actions than just thoughts and temptations. I've since this new year been praying for transformation and conversion of my soul and trying to understand the reason of this struggle and it has gotten a lot better. But it continued throughout the year until Christmas.
CCX #3
I remember two ago, on Sunday after CCX #2, we ate at Golden Corral. During the course of the meal, a lot of the organizers gathered at one table talking about the next CCX, well, and there are some of us were simply left out of the discussion. Actually, if I had said anything, it probably would not have amounted to much anyways, most of what I say makes little sense. So I intently did not wish to do anything about it.
I begin to hear information about the retreat near April or May-ish. I didn't like the theme to be honest...I remember speaking to myself, "Who would pick the theme because there's a song that goes by the same line?" I mean, wow, might as well, just open up the Bible randomly and drop a pen! But I guess the Holy Spirit was indeed moving through the minds of our youth. This theme of "Here I Am, Lord" re-appears in the rest of the year numerous times, and even at Youth 2000 this year. That's another day's story.
I reluctantly decided to help, and really what's going through my mind was that, I will need the authority to actually do things and not a mere puppet or spokesperson. Unfortunately I'm very controlling. I knew in my mind what I need to implement and what kind of resources I would need to gather, and who I need to have doing what. I've been thinking about it since that day at Golden Corral. After all, J Pai had really did it when she used the STRONG format for CCX. I felt I could improve upon it, and go back to the spirit of the Cursillo, aka Awakening, and really bring out the Chinese Catholic experience. I guess I was thinking of a fusion of Longhorn Awakening and the Chinese Catholic Exchange. The retreat/camp is intended to foster discussion and contemplation of what it means to be Chinese, Catholic, and living in America. It was not necessarily restricted to those of Chinese descent or speakers, but also for those ministering or associated with the Chinese Catholic community in the US. And most of us are not very familiar with each other to say the least. And from my experience with staffing Awakening, my hunch is that they need this spirit of the unknown and the spirit of Awakening to really drive up the level of involvement to even begin to foster any sort of discussion.
Well, it is still a humbling pie experience, there were a ton of objectives that was not accomplished. The discussion panel sort of broke down, and most of the talks were not rehearsed, and there's still some sort of gap. A lot of things. Whatever. I barely remembered what happened on Saturday afternoon, I simply remember telling Marvin to take charge, and I sort of crashed. And even after they woke me at night, I still needed some Advil to calm my headache.
I found out hard time that coordinating a retreat/camp is a huge distraction to ministry. There's a lot of administrative and finance work. I just remember that getting to play at Mass was my one relief from all the mess. And I absolutely enjoyed Houston Ascension Band playing Praise and Worship and Adoration songs. Division of labor my friend. Whether or not I liked the administrative and financial work...we shall see.
Trip to Taiwan
Immediately following CCX, I took a week of break and flew myself to Taiwan on the last available ticket I could find, literally. Went back home and saw grandma, which was the principle purpose of my visit. After grandpa had passed away, she has not been the same. Money, money, money...and all sorts of other materialistic struggles. I wanted to live with her and experience her pains a little. And of course, given the chance let her see some of my life. Well, I was not in the best of shape to demonstrate to her what the Gospel is, but I did see and experience some of the pains she had to go through. I finished reading "Hail Holy Queen" by Scott Han while I was in Taiwan.
Lambda Omega Alpha
In the fall semester, after coming back from CCX and Taiwan, I sort of resolved and prayed that I may have some sort of deliverance from my struggles, and at the same time I really desired what I desired. And at the same time I also desired what I desired. [Wow, this is the most vague statement I've ever said probably, right next to the whole ship business.] Basically, I my desires were torn and the two sides were very strong emotional, spiritual, and physical struggle. Perhaps they were one of the same desire manifested in different ways. And at that moment neither were in the good direction.
Why do I talk about such things when the heading is Lambda Omega Alpha? Well, for those do not know, LOA is a Catholic fraternity at the University Catholic Center at UT. And of all the crazy things that a fraternity does, this one is Catholic and seemed to me a good place where I can search my soul as to what makes a good Catholic Man and Brotherhood. And this experience did provide me with a great many insights to myself and my fellow brothers, but further, of what makes good Man, good Catholic Man.
Not all the things we did were all honorable and shining knight stuff. And to this day, some of the stuff still haunts me. But of it came a springboard for me to further meditate about my raison d'etre. And the brotherhood provided me with accountability in some things. Through all my faults and triumphs (?), I realized that there is a lot to work on, a lot.
One more thing about this experience is that I begin to talk to more girls than I've ever done! Being an engineer locked up in the lab is morbid.
Graduation & Beyond
My social life has grown, but my academic life, heh, was in shambles. I studied very hard this semester, but I took too many liberal arts classes that required reading. And trying to graduate while doing a DSP lab with many philosophical and constitutional reading only serves to destroy what little free time I have left. Job search was not even on the schedule, I couldn't even make it out of town back home for most of the weekends. And graduation is not exactly swift and happy either. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I also wanted to have some savings and not have to rely on my parents. And of course, I was looking into getting some sort of research job that could jump off or accentuates my graduate school career. Well, I'm still looking for a job and trying to study the GRE.
Christmas
Well, amidst all of these struggles, insights, and vague stuff, came Christmas. And this is a strange Christmas too. No one at church decided to help with the Christmas program, and yet everyone expected to see it go. The usual people that helped organize the event were sitting back and watching. And the same thing? Some young people running the show. I was told last minute that I would MC the night in both Chinese and English! And I had my own program! Needless to say that I was annoyed. Expecting so much, and putting in not so much...bleh. Thank the Lord that things turned out okay, nothing big and explosive happened.
And that same Christmas Eve Mass, is when I gathered with many old friends and meet some new friends. And although not exactly knowing, one of those friend I made that day helped me to see to reconcile my torn heart. I didn't even know back then. And I'm sooooooooo grateful and thankful of her. In knowing her, I've become so much more aware of the spiritual journey that I've long forgotten that I've trod, and the flames of love that God shared upon us.
---
I think the year ended at a Reuben's house, with us toasting to something I can't remember, perhaps to friendship, perhaps to blessings for the New Year, but I think the Good Lord gathered us there under that roof for a reason. And looking back, it is those moments where I opened my heart and let the Holy Spirit in, when my life begun to change. I still don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me, or why He has thus far brought me in this new year, through all my new struggles and old ones too. I must say though, that this past year has been the most crazy and spiritually trying (and failing) year. And I thank the Lord much for giving me a chance to stand back up and move forward again this year. I should be thankful, but for some reason I'm down and depressed, maybe even angry to some extend, not to mention frustrated and distracted.
I need to let the Spirit into my life. Consume me, Lord. Completely. Consume me.
TMH
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Remembering JPII.
My dear friends and families. Today is indeed a very special day. Three years ago on this day in about 3-4pm Texas time in the afternoon, I was passing by St. Austin's from Co-Co's with my bubble tea in my hand when I heard the solemn bell toll. And Dr. Hoffman placed up a black veil over the doors with his wife and kids, agitated and sad. I distinctively remember Fr. PJ giving me an evil grin when he saw me with my drink around the atrium of the church. On that day, our beloved Pope John Paul II passed over from this earthly life to the next! This be a good day to pray for him. Sancto subito!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)