Youth 2000 Meditation.

[I apologize ahead of time that this entry is again long, arduous, unorganized, and, if anything else, vague; but such is the nature of the topic of discussion at this moment, I will write another entry completing this meditation, perhaps with more vivid story telling. But right now, I seek to understand and analyze, so abstract-ness is probably better. As far as vagueness goes, you know what I am talking about if you know what I am talking about, I made it that way.]

Youth 2000 is a retreat organized by the Franciscan Friars of Renewal from the Diocese of New York. This retreat is usually held in the Diocese of Fort Worth in Texas and many of the North Texans come to this event to enrich and grow in their spiritual life.

The last time I went on this retreat, I was a high schooler, and still trying to understand my faith and reconciling that with my life. And I don't remember much details from that retreat. Several things took place in my life since last Christmas and the New Year befell, and I felt drawn and compelled to attend this retreat, though I do have my reservations and in my mind, I wondered how much spiritual growth I would obtain. Actually, at the same time I am afraid of the growth that I might get, implying responsibility and suffering. Surprisingly, in many ways it has given me much food for thought and meditation -- that perhaps will take me years to unravel my experience this past weekend.

The Eucharist is exposed during the entire weekend of the retreat until the Mass of Divine Mercy on Sunday. And Adoration is perpetual except during Mass. And after my years at college, I realize that this retreat has so much love of Jesus packed into it, my head is kind of in shock and ache right now as I sit in front of my laptop typing out my experience. I wanted to share a small part of my experiencing of this retreat. And some of the things that I had been meditating on.

It is importantly that I recall some things that was on my mind. These were my reading reflections from Fulton Sheen, Frank Sheed, Christopher West, and JPII. It sort of sets up my mind frame right now and when I was meditating on Saturday (I put them in one big paragraph, so you can skip over for time's sake):

Jesus was the only man in history Who's birth is to foreshadow His suffering, His Cross, and His Resurrection. No other man was born to die as He did. Why did our Blessed Lord have to do this? Because God loves us. It is a Love that is infinite. Think of the biggest number you got, and it's bigger than that. Well, God's Love is so great for us, humans, that He is willing to take on the form of human flesh and blood -- to experience what we experience, to see, to hear, to eat, to drink, and to suffer -- to redeem us to His Grace. Why? Because human kind fell from that original state of innocence when they took bite out of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve, from a state of innocence in "solitude, unity, and sacred nakedness" (TOB, C. West) lived with God's glory shining through them. And in the original state of innocence, when God created male and female, He blessed them and told them to be fruitful and to multiply. And God did so, creating humans in male and female, in His Divine image of the Trinity. The Father loves the Son, and the Son is obedient to the Father in His love, and from thence, this Love overflows and is the Holy Spirit. Three persons, but one nature, the Divine. And such Love, as unseen as any one on earth could ever imagine or feel, are not altogether unreachable. For in the image of the male and the female persons, God in His infinite wisdom, placed marks and signs of reminder to the Divine Trinitarian Love. And it is in this love that the union between Adam and Eve in the beginning was so. And in that grievous Fault, Adam and Eve became ashamed and obstructed of this love. [My use of language here is very loose, paraphrasing from what I remembered, and it is jumping around because it is my train of thought unedited]. Why? Well, before the Fall, in the beginning, man and woman see and know each other without fear and without reserve, because their love is that of selfless giving, out of their freedom in total giving of self to each other. The urges of lust had not entered into the picture, nor has the idea of using one another as means to pleasure been there. And when man and woman first sow fig leaves to cover themselves, this complete, total, selfless giving is obstructed by lust and other sins. And the glory of God certainly could not permeate through our First Parents as such, when the truth of love is rejected. And the mission of the Christ, our blessed Lord, is to redeem this "fallen nature" of ours, and to bring again to union that Divine Love with the human flesh, as is evident in His Incarnation. And it is precisely in His act of selfless giving, completely out of free will, that Jesus demonstrated to us what love is like before sin. And any union between Man and Woman, must necessarily again, follow this principle for it to be holy.

-- Back to my actual thoughts --

Such were the some of the ideas on my mind on Saturday. I said a prayer for love during Mass and asked God what does He want of me after Holy Communion. Well, throughout the night, and even back during in the day also, God spoke to me in many different ways. But one thing that came to my mind, when Jesus passed by me, during the Eucharist Procession, was the love that God has for me. And it is in that precise manner of love that He expected in return from me -- total giving of the self, in my free will -- to love. And it is in that precise moment that I realized that I don't know if I could totally give of myself without kicking and screaming, and all sorts of misery!

And I was afraid, how could I say that I love God but unable to say to God that I am will to give of myself freely to all that He wills? But I realize that I do not love God any less than I did just a minute ago, but there seemed to be more distance now. And in reflection, how can I say that I love someone, if I cannot give of myself freely without reserve? And I keep telling myself that for one I would -- but then what about the Holy One of the Lord? There seems to be a slight disconnect between my love for Jesus and my love for another. I could say with some degree of certainty that if another had asked me of anything, I would have done with all my being, what is asked of me, well, except in the case where Jesus and the other would ask for this other same thing. Coming back, I do not know if I could say with the same degree of certainty that if Jesus had asked of me that of my love, the same very "love" that I claimed to have, would drive me to do all things.

I know this is vague, but in essence, there is a disconnect between my love of a creature and my love of the Creator. The creature is a sign, a reminder to us, a road sign if you will of how far Heaven is, and what it is like in the Divine Love of God. But if I am obstructed by the road sign, I cannot see the road further. Similarly, I cannot myself be obstructing others on my journey, lest God strike me down for such attempts. But it feels to me that in this day and age, it is already hard enough to find love that satisfies, and that it is immensely more so increasing in difficult to seek that perfect Love of God. I recognize this, and try really hard to always ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts that they may be centered on God. But in life, there ensues a much harder struggle.

The struggle sets in tihs delinma that we are all called to seek that perfect Love, and ask God for that strength, but unless I myself would open my heart to let the Holy Spirit in to guide me in practicing and loving God in all that I am, my faith life is lacking and miserable. But the reverse is also true, because in the giving of self, I would have to sacrifice what I had, what I have, and what I might have in the future, which I realized is the hardest thing to give up of, which makes me equally miserable. I guess it is the problem of obedience versus free will. If I were to be obedient, which is quite easy for me to do in various occasions, growing up in the Asian families trains most kids to be automatic in such issues, I no longer contemplate of my "free will". And in matters that I do, it seems like my obedience binds me in chains and sometimes to things I do not desire but otherwise of guilt and shame for not doing so.

Contrary to most people's experience about finding peace in that "moment" of confirmation, or the retreat high that people get, this is not to say the retreat is bad, I came out affirming my faith, but with a huge bag of questions, thoughts, and anxieties that I had not thought of before. In fact, I find all the singing during Adoration to be quite distracting with the hand motions, it takes away my mind from Jesus and my contemplations. And I do have to say, at the conclusion of the retreat, God had given me what I asked for when I set out to come to Youth 2000. I'm still in the kicking and screaming mode -- and possibly false rationalization stage...

I'm gonna need some major prayers on this one...maybe I have always needed this big prayer, just that I am way to distracted by other stuff...and have finally come to the realization of this "ship" that I am.


TMH

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!

Theology, Philosophy, and Publishing.

Years back, when I was first baptized and confirmed as a Catholic Christian, I knew very little or my faith coming out of the RCIA program. But I was sort of zealous of my faith and studied some of the things I ought to study as a good Catholic. I sort of gave up eventually due to school work, this and that, all sorts of excuses. And I think during this period, I also started getting into online arguments with people I do not even know about matters of faith. And after a lot of run-ins and time wasting in explaining stuff over and over again, just to see the other side ignoring them altogether, I sort of just gave up.

I decided that if anyone is going to talk to me about matters of faith, they are going to have to do it in person. And I promptly deletes all "spam" looking religious posts on my blogs and xanga. And for a while, I transfered my energy to sharing what I've learned about my faith. And that didn't turn out so well -- on my part -- for the lack of material and sometimes I may not get things right, and that becomes hard for me to having to go back and retract what I said. So that sort of passed.

As an aside, I still remember though, that one place I go for information is a good friend's site on AOL: http://members.aol.com/ahansolo23/index1.html, yes, it was on AOL, this is how old the stuff was...surprisingly it still works! And I remember visiting a link to Summa: http://www.newadvent.org/summa/1002.htm about the existence of God.

Anyways, I think it just wasn't the right time and age for me to be actually evangelizing, least of all by words and publications. And I think even to this day, I'm still not in the business of doing that. All I would like to do is to share my experience and my lessons of life and if these be spiritual moments, I would love to share it. Well, being an engineering student in college really precluded me from much further contemplation or really spending the time to organize my thoughts and publishing them. But I sort of gave up trying to use words and publication as a means of living my faith and sharing the Good News of the Lord. I think I realized that I gotta live the faith before I even start to write up pamphlets about it.

Then about a few years ago, I glossed over an xanga entry by one of my little cousins, on matters of faith. I really wanted to comment something about the post, and I think I might have said something or wrote something about it...I couldn't recall. But in the end, I kind of just pushed the save draft button and left it in there to rot. Why? Well, a faith lived is testimony enough methinks. And it is also during this time I stopped trying to quote the exact verses of the Bible when I talked about matters of faith. I wanted to use my own words and also let the Holy Spirit guide me as He wills. I did not want to be constricted to Bible quote slamming, in fact, "sola scriptura" is actually not scriptural (nowhere in the Bible did it mention only the Bible alone, in fact, it even reference to books not in the Bible). And I believed that I should not be sharing about stuff that I have not experienced.

I remember vagued about saying a prayer to God about gaining wisdom or something to that degree -- as opposed to just intellectual advancements. I desired wisdom.

At that point, I stopped reading and started to listen. Of course, I still loved to read but I think my interest in actually acquiring knowledge of wisdom waned, since wisdom is sometimes best learned lived. I think in a way, I went from one extreme to another, from studying of God and wisdom to trying to "live the life". And I think this contributed highly to my coming to Austin to study. I wanted to have an environment that I can live and learn through more than just reading and studying. And I think this has been a long lesson for me that I am still trying to unwrap as my college years comes to a close.

The thing is, I did not send out that letter to my cousin, because I really wanted that discussion to be one from the heart and not something that she jogged down in her notes from conferences or retreats. Quotes are fine, but I believed that they have to be substantiated with our own personal convictions and believes digested with reason and logics. I wanted move the level of the discussion above the level of "I believe..." and "You believe...". I wanted the discussion to move away from believing for the sake of believing. Reason and Faith works together to bring us closer to God and closer to understanding of our own purposes on this earth. Without reason, faith blinded is easily influenced. Frank Sheed put it this way,

"Truth is light too. Not to see it is to be in the darkness, to see it wrong is to be in double darkness. The greater part of reality can be known if God tells us. Doctrine is what he tells; lacking it, we lack light. To be stumbling along in the dark, happy in the knowledge that our guides can see, is not at all the same thing as walking in the light. It is immeasurably better than stumbling through the dark with blind guides but it is poverty all the same" (Theology for Beginners, F. J. Sheed).

I couldn't have put it another way. "To be stumbling along in the dark, happy in the knowledge that our guides can see, is not at all the same thing as walking in the light." That really speaks my point. I wanted to know that my discussions will be constructive and actually serving an end other than, "I'm right, you're wrong" or the such.

There is two things in action here: young people on the Internet with lots of energy and passion about their believes, usually coming out of conferences and retreats, or of new-convert experiences; and seeing wisdom, living it, and sharing about it. These two things need not be exclusive of each other, but there is a proper and appropriate level of involvement of the two. Too much and unsubstantiated fusion of the two creates not only meaningless bandwidth wastage, but also gets the Christian community a bad rap on- and off-line. And well, I guess sometimes there is not too little, living the faith is acceptable -- only use words when necessary!

I think the bottom line of this is that I sort of stopped reading for the sake of discourse or arguments. That added with college work, I actually stopped reading philosophy and theology altogether, which I regret I should have continued -- for the reason of gaining wisdom. I guess one can never experience all aspects of wisdom living through life -- there is just not enough time. And the fact of the matter is that sometimes to live life, you need some wisdom to jump start it...hence studying philosophy and theology helps.

I write this article because I find myself once again distracted by people posting on my xanga about "religious" stuff that I felt like I would not make much dent even if I replied in defense of my faith. Unsubstantiated and uneducated claims fueled by passions of blind faith can only get you so far. And further arguments won't even make sense...I guess I write this article to remind myself about the purpose of philosophy and theology. And of course, to share my experience and ranting on this matter...

TMH

Five Years Later...

[I wrote this out of whim, after reading my poem from five years ago about Love]

Dear Lord if it please you, I pray,
To you my heart pours, all that I am, and that I want.

Words of good Francis I pray,
To give as to be given,
To love as to be loved,
And to die so as to rise to Life Eternal.

And in song I sing, to not want for You are my Shepherd.
And You alone knows all that I am, and all that I need.
My Love would be meaningless without Your Cross,
Through which Your Graces and Mercies flow...
And Joyful it be the Father's Will, Your Obedience, and of Mary's Fiat.

There is this woman that I love,
Of her beauty -- only thanks and praise to You oh Lord,
But of her virtue and grace -- dear Lord, again praise and thanks,
And all these with her fervent and flaming heart, for You Lord, -- Thrice the praise!
Though not the same way we shall tred, to You,
Be our only end -- to praise and to thank.

And what about Love? Meh, You have shown us the way
To Love, the Way of the Cross;
And this, Your Love, is infinite, forever, Father, Spirit, and Son!
It hurts, in my heart, to even think of this Love, the Love of Your Holy Cross.
The Nails and the Crown, and the Corpus Charitus -- all Your Love!

So when you created Man and Woman, this You meant,
Man for Woman in his body and in his blood;
And Woman for Man compassion and grace;
And the for such love to be born a babe as the third:
Just like Father, Spirit, and Son.

It seems to me, my Blessed Lord, Beauty and Love is so hard to find,
But the words of Francis bounce back out, "To Love as to be loved".
And may it be my principle and action from hence and forth,
'Til the time that I shall lay rest in Your Bosom Divine
To bring forth Love for Love's sake
And to receive Love with thanksgiving of Your Grace.

And I ask You to take my tears and my pain,
The aches in my chest, and the burnings of my heart,
All my anxieties, and all my fears;
Take them, O Lord, to Your Cross, and may they be
Hammered and Nailed, to die
And reborn with You in Spirit and in Strength for the New Day to come.

Five Years have I journeyed this road to find Love,
Many times I have strayed
From Your Divine Nag. Sorry My Lord.
For Years Later I might add, I am still looking for Love
Though my years of journey you have taught me much.
To love as to be loved...
And to live with hope and faith -- when on that Day of Trumpet Blast --
I shall finally see Your Face and my fight be no more.

Dear Lord I pray still, for a dear companion on the journey,
To whom I may share the joys and the agonies...
Dear Lord I pray that this journey You may bless
With Wisdom and Grace -- to discern and to follow --
That Your Will be Done Still.


Still Five more years later -- I pray that I will still be in Love.


To Mary my Mother Blest in Heaven, and siblings in Christ, a prayer please say for me of my struggles and my pain, and a prayer of thanksgiving sing for me, in my triumph and in my joy.

And all these my mundane prayer be to You, my dear Lord. My Good Lord. To God the Father, and the Holy Spirit, and the Son.

Amen with Love.

REPOST: What Does It Mean to Say "I Love You"?

[Originally written on Jan. 28, 2003, used to be placed on the old Untitled Benedictus on geocities, but the site was lost. I dug it out of my old music binder today on March 14, 2008; no edit is done, preserved for original's sake]

Disclaimer: This poem is REALLY OUT-OF-DATE. It speaks of really old stuff. if per-chance it coincide with any current events, it is purely by nature coincidental; actually, I was going through my older music binder for something to play and some old stuff came up; what can I say??

---

01/28/2003: What does it mean to say "I Love You"?

What does it mean to say I Love you?


Does it mean that I have a fond feeling of you?
Or does it mean that I have a lot to tell you about what I like about you?
Or does it mean I envy for your virtue?
Or maybe I just wanna be a friend?

Some might say Love is all about sex...
What do you have to say about that?

What does it mean to Love?
Can we live without Love?
But what is Love?
Can we have Love?

When we all say I Love You,
Does it really mean I Love You
That I would swap my life for yours?
Or do I simply want to impress you?


What is true Love, and what is the universal Love?
The Love of you, and the Love of the rest,
Are they any different?
In as much as how much we Love?

So truly, I pray you tell,
What is Love?
How is Love?
and Why is Love?

Whence I should really say, "I Love You"...
Whilst my mind really speak of something else?

And Whence I should say, "OK"...
Whilst my heart acknowledges where you stand...
On the platform of life of virtue and Love.

We all make decisions,
Some yes's and some no's:
And let this be one of them that has no answer:
for Love is infinite, and Love is forever lasting,
Like that of Christ and that of God.

So my dear friend, pray tell,
What do you think of Love?
And who would you say about Love before I should say I Love?

Maybe it is your words that render the most of Love,
At least in me it seems to light,
Bright as the shining star:
Yet invisible as my hearts are barried[sic] deep down inside.

And pray tell how say you to Love?
And what you think of Love?
I think, and would you?
Maybe it is time for you and me to sit down and think about it,
My dear friend, tell me all you want to say about "I Love You".

Oh, and did I mention that I Love You?

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[A poem written for a friend in the most vague and time-wasting manner, in 2003. Looks like my skills in being vague has not decreased, maybe I will write a new one, "Five Years Later...", hhmm...]