One of my lesser known hobbies is sci-fi and the contemplation of the future of humanity. Through the science fiction series of Star Trek and Gundam SEED universe, the writes wishes to explore what happens when...
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/10/30/designer.babies/index.html
And it is beginning to look very much that our very own reality is turning into what the sci-fi writers few decades ago have only imagined. Perhaps that is one of those things that draws people to the sci-fi genre, for its seemingly tangible reach. And some of these writers have gotten their vision and basis of story quite accurately.
In the Star Trek Universe, according to Star Trek Enterprise and Star Trek: First Contact, after the WWIII and the Eugenics War, earth was devastated. And in the story of Gundam SEED, the story took place in the middle of what could be called WWIII and a Eugenics War between the genetically modified "Coordinators" and "Naturals".
One thing is certain between the two science fiction timeline and storyline. Humans begin to experiment with genetic modification and creates designer babies, Khan in Star Trek's story and Kira Yamato in Gundam SEED's story. There were in both stories struggles with suffering -- oh yes it could happen even if a child is genetically engineered to be as perfect as they can be, never-being-sick, super-intellect, super-strength, and super long life not withstanding. They could also be the most ordinary and pure child growing up, or they could be posterchild of "modern technological advances", a celebratiy of sorts, they will still experience the human condition as we know of it. And the people around them are certainly going to be going through similar experiences as well. In fact, for them in one hand, it will be harder for than to grasp what everyone else is going through and on the other hand it could breed contempt. Obviously, they'll no doubt suffer from prejudices and violences due to their differences and no doubt from people with envy and hatred.
We as the current generation of human beings should really consider if we want to walk down that path. Technological progression is good but not in all sense, and having our technology dictate our moral is a definite no-no. When we take the future solely into our own hands, reaching out grasping as Adam and Eve did in the Garden...
It is the propagation of our specie that we're talking about here...a most sacred and primordial duty and calling of our nature! That and working with the sweat of the brows for our food.
When we take the man and the woman out of the marriage, when our children are no longer born of a gentle mother's womb and a loving father's care, where would the capstones of our civilization rest on? And, when the dismantling of the human family is complete, where would a people lost in the stars, void of their Origin, Family, and Creator traverse? When we have finally reached the final frontier, would we be standing as who we are or just a product of our own vices?
Need I to say that when Pax Romana reached its height of moral decay, it crumbled. And when an Empire ruled its subject colonies with contempt, they revolt thus ending the Empire where the Sun Never Sets. I hope this critical year of 2008 marked with the election in the United States will not bring us over the top of Pax Americana with our own moral decay with FOCA, same-sex marriage/union/whatever "laws", and "hate crime" laws on the table in the next four years to come. Fr. Caropi says it well, "We're in a crisis of manhood...man of leadership". This is the time that we need to stand up for Truth, to affirm Beauty, and to move in Love.
- TMH -
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Good Bye Good Stop, and Hello Next Stop.
In the past year, I think I've said so many good byes that I'm beginning to notice them! And the crazy thing is, I really don't want to say good byes. One of my favorite St. Peter moments is on the Mount of Transfiguration when Moses and Elijah came to see our Blessed Lord. And dear St. Peter said to our Blessed Lord, "why don't we make three tents, one for Moses, one for Elijah, and one for You." Of course, our good Peter did not know what he was talking about. But he knows as well as any others, a good friend's stay, not to mention when the Law and Prophets came to stay, what joyous occasion!
Many things has happened in the past few months since the new year, and I'm sure many more will happen, and amidst all God's guiding hand is upon us. Whether we get to hang out with our friends tomorrow, or whether that program you're working on at work is going to be finished. Or even how it might be so quiet and lonely when everybody leaves for vacation in far away or fun places. All is in God's hands. All we can do is to do what we can today, enjoy today, live today, to the fullest of our strength -- even if you have to live it in tears, enjoy it -- 'cause tomorrow come and it be gone.
I think through separation, distance, and the unknown, God teaches us to treasure those moments of intimacy, gatherings, and the constant. To treasure, but not to linger on. Most definitely not intoxicated and fallen asleep at the stop, even if it is a Good Stop. Fr. Bob Scott used to say every semester, a homily call the Good Stop. I think my new lesson to is that when we finally reached the end of the stop, we have to be resolve and ready to say Good Bye to our friends at the Good Stop. To walk down literally that path leading to the next stop -- the next step into life. We are a people living in temperance. Can't have chocolate all the time, but when we do, we savor it -- but we do not splurge nor binge. Same thing with friendship and relationships. Although we all wonder what the Communion of the Saints is like when we finally have passed into the next life, I think we can get glimpses of it here on earth when we hang out with our friends. It is of course, so much more awesome in heaven.
I think I've had a lot of lesson on saying Good Bye this year so far. And the chimney on the train have just whistled the departing tone. I await for the vehicle to once again visit this place where all of us are together again. Some of you I might not see for a very long time, have a good trip and enjoy, I'll see you around. But for those I'll be seeing and possibly bugging for the next while, well, I'll see you then.
I'm rambling. My point being though, I feel like God has given me so much good byes in this first half of the year, and so much moments of closeness and moments of distance, so much struggles, and so much peace of mind, so much pain and yet so much comfort, so much unknown yet so much constant presence. In transit, I await for tomorrow and the next Good Stop. This time, I will bring my camera and my beads. It will be a good time -- in God's time.
Si Dios Quiere Mis Hermanos, ...Si Dios Quiere.
p.s. I was not going to write this entry, hence of my obvious rambling state of mind. But after reading Reuben's Adventure in Mexico entry, I felt drawn to finally write these thoughts down. After such a long time since my last posting. Well, hopefully I ain't confused too many of ya'll yet.
TMH
Many things has happened in the past few months since the new year, and I'm sure many more will happen, and amidst all God's guiding hand is upon us. Whether we get to hang out with our friends tomorrow, or whether that program you're working on at work is going to be finished. Or even how it might be so quiet and lonely when everybody leaves for vacation in far away or fun places. All is in God's hands. All we can do is to do what we can today, enjoy today, live today, to the fullest of our strength -- even if you have to live it in tears, enjoy it -- 'cause tomorrow come and it be gone.
I think through separation, distance, and the unknown, God teaches us to treasure those moments of intimacy, gatherings, and the constant. To treasure, but not to linger on. Most definitely not intoxicated and fallen asleep at the stop, even if it is a Good Stop. Fr. Bob Scott used to say every semester, a homily call the Good Stop. I think my new lesson to is that when we finally reached the end of the stop, we have to be resolve and ready to say Good Bye to our friends at the Good Stop. To walk down literally that path leading to the next stop -- the next step into life. We are a people living in temperance. Can't have chocolate all the time, but when we do, we savor it -- but we do not splurge nor binge. Same thing with friendship and relationships. Although we all wonder what the Communion of the Saints is like when we finally have passed into the next life, I think we can get glimpses of it here on earth when we hang out with our friends. It is of course, so much more awesome in heaven.
I think I've had a lot of lesson on saying Good Bye this year so far. And the chimney on the train have just whistled the departing tone. I await for the vehicle to once again visit this place where all of us are together again. Some of you I might not see for a very long time, have a good trip and enjoy, I'll see you around. But for those I'll be seeing and possibly bugging for the next while, well, I'll see you then.
I'm rambling. My point being though, I feel like God has given me so much good byes in this first half of the year, and so much moments of closeness and moments of distance, so much struggles, and so much peace of mind, so much pain and yet so much comfort, so much unknown yet so much constant presence. In transit, I await for tomorrow and the next Good Stop. This time, I will bring my camera and my beads. It will be a good time -- in God's time.
Si Dios Quiere Mis Hermanos, ...Si Dios Quiere.
p.s. I was not going to write this entry, hence of my obvious rambling state of mind. But after reading Reuben's Adventure in Mexico entry, I felt drawn to finally write these thoughts down. After such a long time since my last posting. Well, hopefully I ain't confused too many of ya'll yet.
TMH
Sunday, May 04, 2008
A Love Poem Only in Christ.
[Poem written on a Saturday in late April, on a day that I've forgotten when; however foolish and terrible writing this letter/poem will sounds, it speaks of my heart true at this moment, however "intense" it dost come off as. I edited it and decided to post it, because to whom I love: Thou I still do love! (and it's not exactly easy trying to be a friend true and growing attractions to defuse)]
Miss you I do, my sister and my love,
In this day that you were gone, I only wish you were here.
I kept thinking of the day you would depart
For the Heavenly King's Marriage Feast as the bride.
Do you know how many tears of men would be shed for you?
My sister, my love, know you the bitter sweet tears?
Know you the tears that hurts worst than a punch in the face?
Alas, I wish you were here, my sister, my love.
From the spinach in the tomato sauce
To the flours, the sweet flours on the tendered chicken breasts,
Only serves to remind me of
The tender love of your persistence -- that inflaming love --
Which opened a window for a door that God has closed for me.
I was naught and I was almost gone in my puny little raft,
And by God's grace, you I met.
My feelings I could not explain,
But my sister, oh my love,
This love that I see you live -- e'er change my stony heart.
From the edge of the abyss I saw you, thanks and praise be to God.
To you I trek, looking for the fervent heart, and
My heart attracts still to your flaming heart!
I've once asked you my sister, how this flame of love you've sustained,
For so long and enduring it has so burned?
"Only in Christ," were your response.
And I thought whether this puny ship of mine
Can coast along with yours for a bout
For it seems that other lands I must sail,
to see, to calm, and to find...
'Til "Only in Christ" dost my heart burn.
But Oh how my heart burst with pain
When I see you not, My sister and my love!
Today I sit and taught children to write and to play,
Though sank my smitten heart, deep down under the wooden plank.
Every thread and every step that I touch and tread,
The more I've missed you, my sister and my love!
And so my prayer will this day be --
For you my sister and love:
"Only in Christ" may you love;
And to the man that you will come to love
"Only in Christ" may he thee find...
"Only in Christ" may he thee find!
And may our Blessed Mother this friendship of ours,
Even though we may part in ways, bless and guard,
'Til in heav'n our King and Love at last we see.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus,
O Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now,
At death and until forever more.
Amen.
TMH
Miss you I do, my sister and my love,
In this day that you were gone, I only wish you were here.
I kept thinking of the day you would depart
For the Heavenly King's Marriage Feast as the bride.
Do you know how many tears of men would be shed for you?
My sister, my love, know you the bitter sweet tears?
Know you the tears that hurts worst than a punch in the face?
Alas, I wish you were here, my sister, my love.
From the spinach in the tomato sauce
To the flours, the sweet flours on the tendered chicken breasts,
Only serves to remind me of
The tender love of your persistence -- that inflaming love --
Which opened a window for a door that God has closed for me.
I was naught and I was almost gone in my puny little raft,
And by God's grace, you I met.
My feelings I could not explain,
But my sister, oh my love,
This love that I see you live -- e'er change my stony heart.
From the edge of the abyss I saw you, thanks and praise be to God.
To you I trek, looking for the fervent heart, and
My heart attracts still to your flaming heart!
I've once asked you my sister, how this flame of love you've sustained,
For so long and enduring it has so burned?
"Only in Christ," were your response.
And I thought whether this puny ship of mine
Can coast along with yours for a bout
For it seems that other lands I must sail,
to see, to calm, and to find...
'Til "Only in Christ" dost my heart burn.
But Oh how my heart burst with pain
When I see you not, My sister and my love!
Today I sit and taught children to write and to play,
Though sank my smitten heart, deep down under the wooden plank.
Every thread and every step that I touch and tread,
The more I've missed you, my sister and my love!
And so my prayer will this day be --
For you my sister and love:
"Only in Christ" may you love;
And to the man that you will come to love
"Only in Christ" may he thee find...
"Only in Christ" may he thee find!
And may our Blessed Mother this friendship of ours,
Even though we may part in ways, bless and guard,
'Til in heav'n our King and Love at last we see.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus,
O Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now,
At death and until forever more.
Amen.
TMH
Friday, May 02, 2008
Prayer to my Shepherd.
Love is a choice. And to love sometimes may not feel good. Sometimes it means that I will have to give up something I like doing. And sometimes love will mean that I have to remind myself to not expect anything in return, because true love is a gift. If you give a person a gift expecting them to give back in return, in other words with the intention, whether conscious or not, then your end is not love of another, but yourself. I think it is sometimes very difficult growing up in the Chinese culture where when one receives something, one is expected to give back, like a barter or a trade. Further, somehow in my growing experience, it has always been that I've expected something for everything -- but in life, that is not so. Sometimes I think one is simply called to give, called to love to put plainly -- no ulterior motives or intentions. Therefore Love is a choice on the person that commits it. And I think it is also important lesson that I have been trying to grasp is the fact that there are also a proper time for everything. You cannot want for another person, even if you think it will benefit them. No, all too often I desired to give of myself, and I realize I have become this intense and up-tight person that I try to avoid. Crazy thing is, there seems to be better suitable person to render assistance, or to give the proper opinion, or to do this or do that. And I have not quite found my niche in the area of giving myself.
I guess I really long for the opportunity to give of myself, who doesn't? Those kids that commits sin are merely people who desires some sort of real goods but tricked by the wicked snares of the devil to the counterfeit goods. And I can't say I never did fell for it neither. But knowing that what I seek is beyond the counterfeit, beyond myself, I desire, I pine, and I long for the day when I realize my call on this earth, that moment when I can completely, freely, and whole heartedly to give my entire being! O How happy would that day be?
Though I shall wander the valley of death,
No evil will I fear, for thou art at my side.
Thy rod and staff my comfort and my hope.
My Lord, my shepherd, thou hast come whilst I was asleep on the shore. And thou hast call me to Thy banquet though I be plain and unworthy. O How happy was I to see Thee, to hear Thy firm and comforting voice. In my sleep, thou hast called me; thou my Shepherd, Thou art my light. How can I give Thee myself? How can I give Thee my love? Where wouldst Thou have me? Where could I love? And whence shall I pass so to see Thy sweet countenance?
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
Though all I want, is someone to love. Not my way, nor my will, but Thine my Lord, my Shepherd.
TMH
Ave Maria, gratia plena...
I guess I really long for the opportunity to give of myself, who doesn't? Those kids that commits sin are merely people who desires some sort of real goods but tricked by the wicked snares of the devil to the counterfeit goods. And I can't say I never did fell for it neither. But knowing that what I seek is beyond the counterfeit, beyond myself, I desire, I pine, and I long for the day when I realize my call on this earth, that moment when I can completely, freely, and whole heartedly to give my entire being! O How happy would that day be?
Though I shall wander the valley of death,
No evil will I fear, for thou art at my side.
Thy rod and staff my comfort and my hope.
My Lord, my shepherd, thou hast come whilst I was asleep on the shore. And thou hast call me to Thy banquet though I be plain and unworthy. O How happy was I to see Thee, to hear Thy firm and comforting voice. In my sleep, thou hast called me; thou my Shepherd, Thou art my light. How can I give Thee myself? How can I give Thee my love? Where wouldst Thou have me? Where could I love? And whence shall I pass so to see Thy sweet countenance?
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
Though all I want, is someone to love. Not my way, nor my will, but Thine my Lord, my Shepherd.
TMH
Ave Maria, gratia plena...
Monday, April 14, 2008
Spiritual Diet.
Often times I hear people make remarks about finding that retreat high on the way back or the feeling of missing the retreat on Sunday on the way home. A spiritual retreat is suppose to recharge us and ready us to go back to the real world and live as Christ has commended us to. I think it is no coincidence that these retreat highs and lows corresponds to the pattern by which some of these friends that I've heard making such remarks about the rise and fall of their life. But it is suppose to be like that?
Let's take an analogy of our life as a journey, both physically and spiritually. We are growing everyday as we eat and drink physically. From childhood to teenage years, then to adulthood. So it is with our spiritual life. And on our journey we may choose to go this way or another, or to stop and check out one place over another. And God leads people into our lives and interact with us, to engulf us in His Mystical Body. And there are places that we go, some "good stops", sort to speak, to re-align and re-focus our lives towards serving God and each other. It is a fact that we know that we cannot simply stay at the "good stop" forever, we have to move on to continue the journey. Though while at the good stop, we ought to take our time and give praise and thanksgiving in appreciation to God.
One other important aspect of this journey, be it physical or spiritual, is food. In the physical world, there's a saying that one needs bread to live. And according to our Blessed Lord, "man do not live on bread alone". Our spiritual life requires food. We eat every day, some of us more fortunate to eat more meals, and it is more or less a matter depending on economics and well, ability to acquire food for meals. For it is the condition that we were set when our fore-parents left the Garden of Eden in their grievous fault. Fortunately for us, our spiritual food, is blessed from on high, that it is given to us, as the Manna of the Old Testament days. When our Blessed Lord gave us His Body and His Blood, and commended us to eat of it, He gave us the means to sustain our spiritual journey.
So, let us take a look at this analogy again. We got many people who goes to Mass every Sunday and perhaps one more day during the week when their youth group meets, and even then, maybe, just maybe, go to Mass and receive Communion. And for many of us, sometimes the Sacrament of Reconciliation is done monthly? Yearly? Or worst, sporadically in our lives! I recognize the fact that confession must be made out of free will and contrite heart, well, that is the more matter worthy of our consideration! Here are some ways by which God's Grace flows through and into the physical world, also known as "sacraments", and it is for us to receive, if we are willing and make an effort to prepare and appreciate it. And taking it to the analogy, we are journeying, from one place to another, but we only eat every Sunday, and maybe sometimes one more time during the week, and maybe one or two more additional days during the year (that may or may not be on the same day as the other dates mentioned). Well, I think the picture I've painted is one who has eating problem, if we were talking about physically eating. But so it is with the case with our of spiritual diet.
It is important to note though, that eating too much, gluttony, or a disrespect thereof, of food, is a bad thing. So it is in the spiritual sense. The lack of appreciation, the waste thereof, of the Graces that we are given is gluttony indeed! So as there is balance with eating in the physical sense, there is also a balance for each of us in our diet on our spiritual journey.
It is not nearly enough to eat every Sunday! Much more reckless and irresponsible to eat sporadically, or only on holidays! Eating physically is pleasurable because it satisfy our hunger, so it is with spiritual food for it satisfies our spiritual hunger and thirst. And I suspect the "highs" we get from retreats is because of all the Graces that God had poured forth in the spiritual banquet, not only to recharge us, but also to provide us with the necessary means to establish new habits of spiritual diet that we may gain new ways by which our relationship with Him is strengthened, re-enforced, and supported. Basically, new habits by which we can firmly, as we go forth from our retreats to face the challenges of the world, to pray unceasingly as our breath is, and to love arduously as our Blessed Lord did crucified on the Cross.
And it would be indeed a waste of God's Grace to feast on the banquet and leave without taking the lunch packs He has prepared for us to take on our journey! Well, What kind of diet are you on? Are you on a spiritual diet to gain support and satisfaction of your spiritual hunger? Or are you on a spiritual diet that would lead you to starvation of the soul? Don't binge spiritually, but eat and drink in spirit and in truth regularly so that you may live in the light!
TMH
St. Martha, pray for us!
Let's take an analogy of our life as a journey, both physically and spiritually. We are growing everyday as we eat and drink physically. From childhood to teenage years, then to adulthood. So it is with our spiritual life. And on our journey we may choose to go this way or another, or to stop and check out one place over another. And God leads people into our lives and interact with us, to engulf us in His Mystical Body. And there are places that we go, some "good stops", sort to speak, to re-align and re-focus our lives towards serving God and each other. It is a fact that we know that we cannot simply stay at the "good stop" forever, we have to move on to continue the journey. Though while at the good stop, we ought to take our time and give praise and thanksgiving in appreciation to God.
One other important aspect of this journey, be it physical or spiritual, is food. In the physical world, there's a saying that one needs bread to live. And according to our Blessed Lord, "man do not live on bread alone". Our spiritual life requires food. We eat every day, some of us more fortunate to eat more meals, and it is more or less a matter depending on economics and well, ability to acquire food for meals. For it is the condition that we were set when our fore-parents left the Garden of Eden in their grievous fault. Fortunately for us, our spiritual food, is blessed from on high, that it is given to us, as the Manna of the Old Testament days. When our Blessed Lord gave us His Body and His Blood, and commended us to eat of it, He gave us the means to sustain our spiritual journey.
So, let us take a look at this analogy again. We got many people who goes to Mass every Sunday and perhaps one more day during the week when their youth group meets, and even then, maybe, just maybe, go to Mass and receive Communion. And for many of us, sometimes the Sacrament of Reconciliation is done monthly? Yearly? Or worst, sporadically in our lives! I recognize the fact that confession must be made out of free will and contrite heart, well, that is the more matter worthy of our consideration! Here are some ways by which God's Grace flows through and into the physical world, also known as "sacraments", and it is for us to receive, if we are willing and make an effort to prepare and appreciate it. And taking it to the analogy, we are journeying, from one place to another, but we only eat every Sunday, and maybe sometimes one more time during the week, and maybe one or two more additional days during the year (that may or may not be on the same day as the other dates mentioned). Well, I think the picture I've painted is one who has eating problem, if we were talking about physically eating. But so it is with the case with our of spiritual diet.
It is important to note though, that eating too much, gluttony, or a disrespect thereof, of food, is a bad thing. So it is in the spiritual sense. The lack of appreciation, the waste thereof, of the Graces that we are given is gluttony indeed! So as there is balance with eating in the physical sense, there is also a balance for each of us in our diet on our spiritual journey.
It is not nearly enough to eat every Sunday! Much more reckless and irresponsible to eat sporadically, or only on holidays! Eating physically is pleasurable because it satisfy our hunger, so it is with spiritual food for it satisfies our spiritual hunger and thirst. And I suspect the "highs" we get from retreats is because of all the Graces that God had poured forth in the spiritual banquet, not only to recharge us, but also to provide us with the necessary means to establish new habits of spiritual diet that we may gain new ways by which our relationship with Him is strengthened, re-enforced, and supported. Basically, new habits by which we can firmly, as we go forth from our retreats to face the challenges of the world, to pray unceasingly as our breath is, and to love arduously as our Blessed Lord did crucified on the Cross.
And it would be indeed a waste of God's Grace to feast on the banquet and leave without taking the lunch packs He has prepared for us to take on our journey! Well, What kind of diet are you on? Are you on a spiritual diet to gain support and satisfaction of your spiritual hunger? Or are you on a spiritual diet that would lead you to starvation of the soul? Don't binge spiritually, but eat and drink in spirit and in truth regularly so that you may live in the light!
TMH
St. Martha, pray for us!
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Retrospect 2007.
[There are some things not particularly mentioned, especially my Awakening experiences, which probably will have its own article some time in the future soon...]
I know it's April, but I guess it takes time to really think about the past. I just spend two hours cleaning out my gmail inbox, about 200-300 email exchanges each at least 5-12 levels deep of conversation regarding on to organize and execute the Chinese Catholic Exchange retreat. And then the rest of it are prayer requests from Awakening listserv, and the other big chunk is articles from Fr. Au, and of course, there's lots of homework, labs, and school-related stuff.
Well, looking back at the year 2007, I've done a lot of things, good and bad, and as part of a three year progress since 2005, when I moved out of the dorms, in the year 2008, I think I've finally started again to come to realize the importance of my spiritual life, with new found areas in community, fellowship, and friendship. The year 2007 was kind of a struggling year for me. And this year so far, first quarter gone, has been a lot of sweeping changes and reverting backs, in addition to new areas of work that needs to be done.
I vaguely remember all the events that befall in 2007, but CCX #3, my trip to Taiwan, the purgatory of Senior design project, May Fever, joining the Lambdas, Graduation, and Christmas Chill are few of the most notable and memorable, if not shaping experience of my life. I think any of the listed event could easily occupy pages and pages. I guess I would like to pick a few of these things and very briefly describe what happened and its implications to my life at this moment.
Beginning of the Year
To be honest, I do not remember what happened in the month prior to May of 2007. I think I've lived in a zombie state, dealing with papers, exams, and what-not. I just remember doing a ton of research on robotics, and spend a lot of time outside Dr. Valvano's office, or in his office. Hazy...
Purgatory of Senior Design Project (Spring 2007)
The school year really kicked in fast when I decided to do a project on anthropomorphic multi-robot system, to see whether my technical skills actually equates to what I know. I guess I really wanted to hurt myself or something. But my intention was to figure out how much stuff I've learned and how much of it can I apply? I intended to find a partner in this project, but ended up doing it alone... There was a lot of struggle and mistrust of partners since my break up in EE 345L, and some of my EE 345M time hasn't been good in constructing more permanent partnership, although we still remain good friends (?).
I did not complete the project. My TA was a control systems specialist, but he knows very little about embedded systems and constructing robots. Not exactly the right situation. And I was doing the project as an honors project, so no supervising professor, just a sponsoring professor. Well, I was able to complete most of the mechanical parts, and putting them together, I tell you, it's not very professional looking. Could have used some ME partners and some freshmen metal shop time helps. And in addition, there are tons of paper to write and revise.
I got really depressed pretty soon, in addition to unfriendly working environment at the ENS. I had to carry all my projects around, and no one ever told me we could store our project at the ENS! The enormity of the project on the technical and emotional level simply overwhelmed me. That and in addition to having to cook and participate and try to have a social life, or try to be active in my spiritual life -- simply flooded me. Some days I try my best to work on it, but most of the time, I've lost my passion for my studies.
I am still very bitter to this day of those projects that are simple, some of them are recreated power lab projects...but I do have to admit, some of the projects are simple, but supremely brilliant and original. And this experience has been an extreme humble pie for me. But I didn't set out to get A in this class. I wanted a realistic and honest evaluation of my engineering skills and knowledge. And I got my answer. I passed -- barely. And this experience has been quite hindering to my job search right now, been having problem giving myself enough confidence to step out and present myself. But it's in the works.
May Fever
Very long story, and there is little point of me going into detail. But some of my lifelong struggles carried into a level of unchecked and unbalanced life. Basically, between the senior design project and this, my life is torn in parts. And I continued to struggle with this problem, but more in the open and more in actions than just thoughts and temptations. I've since this new year been praying for transformation and conversion of my soul and trying to understand the reason of this struggle and it has gotten a lot better. But it continued throughout the year until Christmas.
CCX #3
I remember two ago, on Sunday after CCX #2, we ate at Golden Corral. During the course of the meal, a lot of the organizers gathered at one table talking about the next CCX, well, and there are some of us were simply left out of the discussion. Actually, if I had said anything, it probably would not have amounted to much anyways, most of what I say makes little sense. So I intently did not wish to do anything about it.
I begin to hear information about the retreat near April or May-ish. I didn't like the theme to be honest...I remember speaking to myself, "Who would pick the theme because there's a song that goes by the same line?" I mean, wow, might as well, just open up the Bible randomly and drop a pen! But I guess the Holy Spirit was indeed moving through the minds of our youth. This theme of "Here I Am, Lord" re-appears in the rest of the year numerous times, and even at Youth 2000 this year. That's another day's story.
I reluctantly decided to help, and really what's going through my mind was that, I will need the authority to actually do things and not a mere puppet or spokesperson. Unfortunately I'm very controlling. I knew in my mind what I need to implement and what kind of resources I would need to gather, and who I need to have doing what. I've been thinking about it since that day at Golden Corral. After all, J Pai had really did it when she used the STRONG format for CCX. I felt I could improve upon it, and go back to the spirit of the Cursillo, aka Awakening, and really bring out the Chinese Catholic experience. I guess I was thinking of a fusion of Longhorn Awakening and the Chinese Catholic Exchange. The retreat/camp is intended to foster discussion and contemplation of what it means to be Chinese, Catholic, and living in America. It was not necessarily restricted to those of Chinese descent or speakers, but also for those ministering or associated with the Chinese Catholic community in the US. And most of us are not very familiar with each other to say the least. And from my experience with staffing Awakening, my hunch is that they need this spirit of the unknown and the spirit of Awakening to really drive up the level of involvement to even begin to foster any sort of discussion.
Well, it is still a humbling pie experience, there were a ton of objectives that was not accomplished. The discussion panel sort of broke down, and most of the talks were not rehearsed, and there's still some sort of gap. A lot of things. Whatever. I barely remembered what happened on Saturday afternoon, I simply remember telling Marvin to take charge, and I sort of crashed. And even after they woke me at night, I still needed some Advil to calm my headache.
I found out hard time that coordinating a retreat/camp is a huge distraction to ministry. There's a lot of administrative and finance work. I just remember that getting to play at Mass was my one relief from all the mess. And I absolutely enjoyed Houston Ascension Band playing Praise and Worship and Adoration songs. Division of labor my friend. Whether or not I liked the administrative and financial work...we shall see.
Trip to Taiwan
Immediately following CCX, I took a week of break and flew myself to Taiwan on the last available ticket I could find, literally. Went back home and saw grandma, which was the principle purpose of my visit. After grandpa had passed away, she has not been the same. Money, money, money...and all sorts of other materialistic struggles. I wanted to live with her and experience her pains a little. And of course, given the chance let her see some of my life. Well, I was not in the best of shape to demonstrate to her what the Gospel is, but I did see and experience some of the pains she had to go through. I finished reading "Hail Holy Queen" by Scott Han while I was in Taiwan.
Lambda Omega Alpha
In the fall semester, after coming back from CCX and Taiwan, I sort of resolved and prayed that I may have some sort of deliverance from my struggles, and at the same time I really desired what I desired. And at the same time I also desired what I desired. [Wow, this is the most vague statement I've ever said probably, right next to the whole ship business.] Basically, I my desires were torn and the two sides were very strong emotional, spiritual, and physical struggle. Perhaps they were one of the same desire manifested in different ways. And at that moment neither were in the good direction.
Why do I talk about such things when the heading is Lambda Omega Alpha? Well, for those do not know, LOA is a Catholic fraternity at the University Catholic Center at UT. And of all the crazy things that a fraternity does, this one is Catholic and seemed to me a good place where I can search my soul as to what makes a good Catholic Man and Brotherhood. And this experience did provide me with a great many insights to myself and my fellow brothers, but further, of what makes good Man, good Catholic Man.
Not all the things we did were all honorable and shining knight stuff. And to this day, some of the stuff still haunts me. But of it came a springboard for me to further meditate about my raison d'etre. And the brotherhood provided me with accountability in some things. Through all my faults and triumphs (?), I realized that there is a lot to work on, a lot.
One more thing about this experience is that I begin to talk to more girls than I've ever done! Being an engineer locked up in the lab is morbid.
Graduation & Beyond
My social life has grown, but my academic life, heh, was in shambles. I studied very hard this semester, but I took too many liberal arts classes that required reading. And trying to graduate while doing a DSP lab with many philosophical and constitutional reading only serves to destroy what little free time I have left. Job search was not even on the schedule, I couldn't even make it out of town back home for most of the weekends. And graduation is not exactly swift and happy either. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I also wanted to have some savings and not have to rely on my parents. And of course, I was looking into getting some sort of research job that could jump off or accentuates my graduate school career. Well, I'm still looking for a job and trying to study the GRE.
Christmas
Well, amidst all of these struggles, insights, and vague stuff, came Christmas. And this is a strange Christmas too. No one at church decided to help with the Christmas program, and yet everyone expected to see it go. The usual people that helped organize the event were sitting back and watching. And the same thing? Some young people running the show. I was told last minute that I would MC the night in both Chinese and English! And I had my own program! Needless to say that I was annoyed. Expecting so much, and putting in not so much...bleh. Thank the Lord that things turned out okay, nothing big and explosive happened.
And that same Christmas Eve Mass, is when I gathered with many old friends and meet some new friends. And although not exactly knowing, one of those friend I made that day helped me to see to reconcile my torn heart. I didn't even know back then. And I'm sooooooooo grateful and thankful of her. In knowing her, I've become so much more aware of the spiritual journey that I've long forgotten that I've trod, and the flames of love that God shared upon us.
---
I think the year ended at a Reuben's house, with us toasting to something I can't remember, perhaps to friendship, perhaps to blessings for the New Year, but I think the Good Lord gathered us there under that roof for a reason. And looking back, it is those moments where I opened my heart and let the Holy Spirit in, when my life begun to change. I still don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me, or why He has thus far brought me in this new year, through all my new struggles and old ones too. I must say though, that this past year has been the most crazy and spiritually trying (and failing) year. And I thank the Lord much for giving me a chance to stand back up and move forward again this year. I should be thankful, but for some reason I'm down and depressed, maybe even angry to some extend, not to mention frustrated and distracted.
I need to let the Spirit into my life. Consume me, Lord. Completely. Consume me.
TMH
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.
I know it's April, but I guess it takes time to really think about the past. I just spend two hours cleaning out my gmail inbox, about 200-300 email exchanges each at least 5-12 levels deep of conversation regarding on to organize and execute the Chinese Catholic Exchange retreat. And then the rest of it are prayer requests from Awakening listserv, and the other big chunk is articles from Fr. Au, and of course, there's lots of homework, labs, and school-related stuff.
Well, looking back at the year 2007, I've done a lot of things, good and bad, and as part of a three year progress since 2005, when I moved out of the dorms, in the year 2008, I think I've finally started again to come to realize the importance of my spiritual life, with new found areas in community, fellowship, and friendship. The year 2007 was kind of a struggling year for me. And this year so far, first quarter gone, has been a lot of sweeping changes and reverting backs, in addition to new areas of work that needs to be done.
I vaguely remember all the events that befall in 2007, but CCX #3, my trip to Taiwan, the purgatory of Senior design project, May Fever, joining the Lambdas, Graduation, and Christmas Chill are few of the most notable and memorable, if not shaping experience of my life. I think any of the listed event could easily occupy pages and pages. I guess I would like to pick a few of these things and very briefly describe what happened and its implications to my life at this moment.
Beginning of the Year
To be honest, I do not remember what happened in the month prior to May of 2007. I think I've lived in a zombie state, dealing with papers, exams, and what-not. I just remember doing a ton of research on robotics, and spend a lot of time outside Dr. Valvano's office, or in his office. Hazy...
Purgatory of Senior Design Project (Spring 2007)
The school year really kicked in fast when I decided to do a project on anthropomorphic multi-robot system, to see whether my technical skills actually equates to what I know. I guess I really wanted to hurt myself or something. But my intention was to figure out how much stuff I've learned and how much of it can I apply? I intended to find a partner in this project, but ended up doing it alone... There was a lot of struggle and mistrust of partners since my break up in EE 345L, and some of my EE 345M time hasn't been good in constructing more permanent partnership, although we still remain good friends (?).
I did not complete the project. My TA was a control systems specialist, but he knows very little about embedded systems and constructing robots. Not exactly the right situation. And I was doing the project as an honors project, so no supervising professor, just a sponsoring professor. Well, I was able to complete most of the mechanical parts, and putting them together, I tell you, it's not very professional looking. Could have used some ME partners and some freshmen metal shop time helps. And in addition, there are tons of paper to write and revise.
I got really depressed pretty soon, in addition to unfriendly working environment at the ENS. I had to carry all my projects around, and no one ever told me we could store our project at the ENS! The enormity of the project on the technical and emotional level simply overwhelmed me. That and in addition to having to cook and participate and try to have a social life, or try to be active in my spiritual life -- simply flooded me. Some days I try my best to work on it, but most of the time, I've lost my passion for my studies.
I am still very bitter to this day of those projects that are simple, some of them are recreated power lab projects...but I do have to admit, some of the projects are simple, but supremely brilliant and original. And this experience has been an extreme humble pie for me. But I didn't set out to get A in this class. I wanted a realistic and honest evaluation of my engineering skills and knowledge. And I got my answer. I passed -- barely. And this experience has been quite hindering to my job search right now, been having problem giving myself enough confidence to step out and present myself. But it's in the works.
May Fever
Very long story, and there is little point of me going into detail. But some of my lifelong struggles carried into a level of unchecked and unbalanced life. Basically, between the senior design project and this, my life is torn in parts. And I continued to struggle with this problem, but more in the open and more in actions than just thoughts and temptations. I've since this new year been praying for transformation and conversion of my soul and trying to understand the reason of this struggle and it has gotten a lot better. But it continued throughout the year until Christmas.
CCX #3
I remember two ago, on Sunday after CCX #2, we ate at Golden Corral. During the course of the meal, a lot of the organizers gathered at one table talking about the next CCX, well, and there are some of us were simply left out of the discussion. Actually, if I had said anything, it probably would not have amounted to much anyways, most of what I say makes little sense. So I intently did not wish to do anything about it.
I begin to hear information about the retreat near April or May-ish. I didn't like the theme to be honest...I remember speaking to myself, "Who would pick the theme because there's a song that goes by the same line?" I mean, wow, might as well, just open up the Bible randomly and drop a pen! But I guess the Holy Spirit was indeed moving through the minds of our youth. This theme of "Here I Am, Lord" re-appears in the rest of the year numerous times, and even at Youth 2000 this year. That's another day's story.
I reluctantly decided to help, and really what's going through my mind was that, I will need the authority to actually do things and not a mere puppet or spokesperson. Unfortunately I'm very controlling. I knew in my mind what I need to implement and what kind of resources I would need to gather, and who I need to have doing what. I've been thinking about it since that day at Golden Corral. After all, J Pai had really did it when she used the STRONG format for CCX. I felt I could improve upon it, and go back to the spirit of the Cursillo, aka Awakening, and really bring out the Chinese Catholic experience. I guess I was thinking of a fusion of Longhorn Awakening and the Chinese Catholic Exchange. The retreat/camp is intended to foster discussion and contemplation of what it means to be Chinese, Catholic, and living in America. It was not necessarily restricted to those of Chinese descent or speakers, but also for those ministering or associated with the Chinese Catholic community in the US. And most of us are not very familiar with each other to say the least. And from my experience with staffing Awakening, my hunch is that they need this spirit of the unknown and the spirit of Awakening to really drive up the level of involvement to even begin to foster any sort of discussion.
Well, it is still a humbling pie experience, there were a ton of objectives that was not accomplished. The discussion panel sort of broke down, and most of the talks were not rehearsed, and there's still some sort of gap. A lot of things. Whatever. I barely remembered what happened on Saturday afternoon, I simply remember telling Marvin to take charge, and I sort of crashed. And even after they woke me at night, I still needed some Advil to calm my headache.
I found out hard time that coordinating a retreat/camp is a huge distraction to ministry. There's a lot of administrative and finance work. I just remember that getting to play at Mass was my one relief from all the mess. And I absolutely enjoyed Houston Ascension Band playing Praise and Worship and Adoration songs. Division of labor my friend. Whether or not I liked the administrative and financial work...we shall see.
Trip to Taiwan
Immediately following CCX, I took a week of break and flew myself to Taiwan on the last available ticket I could find, literally. Went back home and saw grandma, which was the principle purpose of my visit. After grandpa had passed away, she has not been the same. Money, money, money...and all sorts of other materialistic struggles. I wanted to live with her and experience her pains a little. And of course, given the chance let her see some of my life. Well, I was not in the best of shape to demonstrate to her what the Gospel is, but I did see and experience some of the pains she had to go through. I finished reading "Hail Holy Queen" by Scott Han while I was in Taiwan.
Lambda Omega Alpha
In the fall semester, after coming back from CCX and Taiwan, I sort of resolved and prayed that I may have some sort of deliverance from my struggles, and at the same time I really desired what I desired. And at the same time I also desired what I desired. [Wow, this is the most vague statement I've ever said probably, right next to the whole ship business.] Basically, I my desires were torn and the two sides were very strong emotional, spiritual, and physical struggle. Perhaps they were one of the same desire manifested in different ways. And at that moment neither were in the good direction.
Why do I talk about such things when the heading is Lambda Omega Alpha? Well, for those do not know, LOA is a Catholic fraternity at the University Catholic Center at UT. And of all the crazy things that a fraternity does, this one is Catholic and seemed to me a good place where I can search my soul as to what makes a good Catholic Man and Brotherhood. And this experience did provide me with a great many insights to myself and my fellow brothers, but further, of what makes good Man, good Catholic Man.
Not all the things we did were all honorable and shining knight stuff. And to this day, some of the stuff still haunts me. But of it came a springboard for me to further meditate about my raison d'etre. And the brotherhood provided me with accountability in some things. Through all my faults and triumphs (?), I realized that there is a lot to work on, a lot.
One more thing about this experience is that I begin to talk to more girls than I've ever done! Being an engineer locked up in the lab is morbid.
Graduation & Beyond
My social life has grown, but my academic life, heh, was in shambles. I studied very hard this semester, but I took too many liberal arts classes that required reading. And trying to graduate while doing a DSP lab with many philosophical and constitutional reading only serves to destroy what little free time I have left. Job search was not even on the schedule, I couldn't even make it out of town back home for most of the weekends. And graduation is not exactly swift and happy either. I wanted to go to graduate school, but I also wanted to have some savings and not have to rely on my parents. And of course, I was looking into getting some sort of research job that could jump off or accentuates my graduate school career. Well, I'm still looking for a job and trying to study the GRE.
Christmas
Well, amidst all of these struggles, insights, and vague stuff, came Christmas. And this is a strange Christmas too. No one at church decided to help with the Christmas program, and yet everyone expected to see it go. The usual people that helped organize the event were sitting back and watching. And the same thing? Some young people running the show. I was told last minute that I would MC the night in both Chinese and English! And I had my own program! Needless to say that I was annoyed. Expecting so much, and putting in not so much...bleh. Thank the Lord that things turned out okay, nothing big and explosive happened.
And that same Christmas Eve Mass, is when I gathered with many old friends and meet some new friends. And although not exactly knowing, one of those friend I made that day helped me to see to reconcile my torn heart. I didn't even know back then. And I'm sooooooooo grateful and thankful of her. In knowing her, I've become so much more aware of the spiritual journey that I've long forgotten that I've trod, and the flames of love that God shared upon us.
---
I think the year ended at a Reuben's house, with us toasting to something I can't remember, perhaps to friendship, perhaps to blessings for the New Year, but I think the Good Lord gathered us there under that roof for a reason. And looking back, it is those moments where I opened my heart and let the Holy Spirit in, when my life begun to change. I still don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me, or why He has thus far brought me in this new year, through all my new struggles and old ones too. I must say though, that this past year has been the most crazy and spiritually trying (and failing) year. And I thank the Lord much for giving me a chance to stand back up and move forward again this year. I should be thankful, but for some reason I'm down and depressed, maybe even angry to some extend, not to mention frustrated and distracted.
I need to let the Spirit into my life. Consume me, Lord. Completely. Consume me.
TMH
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis, peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Remembering JPII.
My dear friends and families. Today is indeed a very special day. Three years ago on this day in about 3-4pm Texas time in the afternoon, I was passing by St. Austin's from Co-Co's with my bubble tea in my hand when I heard the solemn bell toll. And Dr. Hoffman placed up a black veil over the doors with his wife and kids, agitated and sad. I distinctively remember Fr. PJ giving me an evil grin when he saw me with my drink around the atrium of the church. On that day, our beloved Pope John Paul II passed over from this earthly life to the next! This be a good day to pray for him. Sancto subito!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Youth 2000 Meditation.
[I apologize ahead of time that this entry is again long, arduous, unorganized, and, if anything else, vague; but such is the nature of the topic of discussion at this moment, I will write another entry completing this meditation, perhaps with more vivid story telling. But right now, I seek to understand and analyze, so abstract-ness is probably better. As far as vagueness goes, you know what I am talking about if you know what I am talking about, I made it that way.]
Youth 2000 is a retreat organized by the Franciscan Friars of Renewal from the Diocese of New York. This retreat is usually held in the Diocese of Fort Worth in Texas and many of the North Texans come to this event to enrich and grow in their spiritual life.
The last time I went on this retreat, I was a high schooler, and still trying to understand my faith and reconciling that with my life. And I don't remember much details from that retreat. Several things took place in my life since last Christmas and the New Year befell, and I felt drawn and compelled to attend this retreat, though I do have my reservations and in my mind, I wondered how much spiritual growth I would obtain. Actually, at the same time I am afraid of the growth that I might get, implying responsibility and suffering. Surprisingly, in many ways it has given me much food for thought and meditation -- that perhaps will take me years to unravel my experience this past weekend.
The Eucharist is exposed during the entire weekend of the retreat until the Mass of Divine Mercy on Sunday. And Adoration is perpetual except during Mass. And after my years at college, I realize that this retreat has so much love of Jesus packed into it, my head is kind of in shock and ache right now as I sit in front of my laptop typing out my experience. I wanted to share a small part of my experiencing of this retreat. And some of the things that I had been meditating on.
It is importantly that I recall some things that was on my mind. These were my reading reflections from Fulton Sheen, Frank Sheed, Christopher West, and JPII. It sort of sets up my mind frame right now and when I was meditating on Saturday (I put them in one big paragraph, so you can skip over for time's sake):
Jesus was the only man in history Who's birth is to foreshadow His suffering, His Cross, and His Resurrection. No other man was born to die as He did. Why did our Blessed Lord have to do this? Because God loves us. It is a Love that is infinite. Think of the biggest number you got, and it's bigger than that. Well, God's Love is so great for us, humans, that He is willing to take on the form of human flesh and blood -- to experience what we experience, to see, to hear, to eat, to drink, and to suffer -- to redeem us to His Grace. Why? Because human kind fell from that original state of innocence when they took bite out of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve, from a state of innocence in "solitude, unity, and sacred nakedness" (TOB, C. West) lived with God's glory shining through them. And in the original state of innocence, when God created male and female, He blessed them and told them to be fruitful and to multiply. And God did so, creating humans in male and female, in His Divine image of the Trinity. The Father loves the Son, and the Son is obedient to the Father in His love, and from thence, this Love overflows and is the Holy Spirit. Three persons, but one nature, the Divine. And such Love, as unseen as any one on earth could ever imagine or feel, are not altogether unreachable. For in the image of the male and the female persons, God in His infinite wisdom, placed marks and signs of reminder to the Divine Trinitarian Love. And it is in this love that the union between Adam and Eve in the beginning was so. And in that grievous Fault, Adam and Eve became ashamed and obstructed of this love. [My use of language here is very loose, paraphrasing from what I remembered, and it is jumping around because it is my train of thought unedited]. Why? Well, before the Fall, in the beginning, man and woman see and know each other without fear and without reserve, because their love is that of selfless giving, out of their freedom in total giving of self to each other. The urges of lust had not entered into the picture, nor has the idea of using one another as means to pleasure been there. And when man and woman first sow fig leaves to cover themselves, this complete, total, selfless giving is obstructed by lust and other sins. And the glory of God certainly could not permeate through our First Parents as such, when the truth of love is rejected. And the mission of the Christ, our blessed Lord, is to redeem this "fallen nature" of ours, and to bring again to union that Divine Love with the human flesh, as is evident in His Incarnation. And it is precisely in His act of selfless giving, completely out of free will, that Jesus demonstrated to us what love is like before sin. And any union between Man and Woman, must necessarily again, follow this principle for it to be holy.
-- Back to my actual thoughts --
Such were the some of the ideas on my mind on Saturday. I said a prayer for love during Mass and asked God what does He want of me after Holy Communion. Well, throughout the night, and even back during in the day also, God spoke to me in many different ways. But one thing that came to my mind, when Jesus passed by me, during the Eucharist Procession, was the love that God has for me. And it is in that precise manner of love that He expected in return from me -- total giving of the self, in my free will -- to love. And it is in that precise moment that I realized that I don't know if I could totally give of myself without kicking and screaming, and all sorts of misery!
And I was afraid, how could I say that I love God but unable to say to God that I am will to give of myself freely to all that He wills? But I realize that I do not love God any less than I did just a minute ago, but there seemed to be more distance now. And in reflection, how can I say that I love someone, if I cannot give of myself freely without reserve? And I keep telling myself that for one I would -- but then what about the Holy One of the Lord? There seems to be a slight disconnect between my love for Jesus and my love for another. I could say with some degree of certainty that if another had asked me of anything, I would have done with all my being, what is asked of me, well, except in the case where Jesus and the other would ask for this other same thing. Coming back, I do not know if I could say with the same degree of certainty that if Jesus had asked of me that of my love, the same very "love" that I claimed to have, would drive me to do all things.
I know this is vague, but in essence, there is a disconnect between my love of a creature and my love of the Creator. The creature is a sign, a reminder to us, a road sign if you will of how far Heaven is, and what it is like in the Divine Love of God. But if I am obstructed by the road sign, I cannot see the road further. Similarly, I cannot myself be obstructing others on my journey, lest God strike me down for such attempts. But it feels to me that in this day and age, it is already hard enough to find love that satisfies, and that it is immensely more so increasing in difficult to seek that perfect Love of God. I recognize this, and try really hard to always ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts that they may be centered on God. But in life, there ensues a much harder struggle.
The struggle sets in tihs delinma that we are all called to seek that perfect Love, and ask God for that strength, but unless I myself would open my heart to let the Holy Spirit in to guide me in practicing and loving God in all that I am, my faith life is lacking and miserable. But the reverse is also true, because in the giving of self, I would have to sacrifice what I had, what I have, and what I might have in the future, which I realized is the hardest thing to give up of, which makes me equally miserable. I guess it is the problem of obedience versus free will. If I were to be obedient, which is quite easy for me to do in various occasions, growing up in the Asian families trains most kids to be automatic in such issues, I no longer contemplate of my "free will". And in matters that I do, it seems like my obedience binds me in chains and sometimes to things I do not desire but otherwise of guilt and shame for not doing so.
Contrary to most people's experience about finding peace in that "moment" of confirmation, or the retreat high that people get, this is not to say the retreat is bad, I came out affirming my faith, but with a huge bag of questions, thoughts, and anxieties that I had not thought of before. In fact, I find all the singing during Adoration to be quite distracting with the hand motions, it takes away my mind from Jesus and my contemplations. And I do have to say, at the conclusion of the retreat, God had given me what I asked for when I set out to come to Youth 2000. I'm still in the kicking and screaming mode -- and possibly false rationalization stage...
I'm gonna need some major prayers on this one...maybe I have always needed this big prayer, just that I am way to distracted by other stuff...and have finally come to the realization of this "ship" that I am.
TMH
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!
Youth 2000 is a retreat organized by the Franciscan Friars of Renewal from the Diocese of New York. This retreat is usually held in the Diocese of Fort Worth in Texas and many of the North Texans come to this event to enrich and grow in their spiritual life.
The last time I went on this retreat, I was a high schooler, and still trying to understand my faith and reconciling that with my life. And I don't remember much details from that retreat. Several things took place in my life since last Christmas and the New Year befell, and I felt drawn and compelled to attend this retreat, though I do have my reservations and in my mind, I wondered how much spiritual growth I would obtain. Actually, at the same time I am afraid of the growth that I might get, implying responsibility and suffering. Surprisingly, in many ways it has given me much food for thought and meditation -- that perhaps will take me years to unravel my experience this past weekend.
The Eucharist is exposed during the entire weekend of the retreat until the Mass of Divine Mercy on Sunday. And Adoration is perpetual except during Mass. And after my years at college, I realize that this retreat has so much love of Jesus packed into it, my head is kind of in shock and ache right now as I sit in front of my laptop typing out my experience. I wanted to share a small part of my experiencing of this retreat. And some of the things that I had been meditating on.
It is importantly that I recall some things that was on my mind. These were my reading reflections from Fulton Sheen, Frank Sheed, Christopher West, and JPII. It sort of sets up my mind frame right now and when I was meditating on Saturday (I put them in one big paragraph, so you can skip over for time's sake):
Jesus was the only man in history Who's birth is to foreshadow His suffering, His Cross, and His Resurrection. No other man was born to die as He did. Why did our Blessed Lord have to do this? Because God loves us. It is a Love that is infinite. Think of the biggest number you got, and it's bigger than that. Well, God's Love is so great for us, humans, that He is willing to take on the form of human flesh and blood -- to experience what we experience, to see, to hear, to eat, to drink, and to suffer -- to redeem us to His Grace. Why? Because human kind fell from that original state of innocence when they took bite out of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve, from a state of innocence in "solitude, unity, and sacred nakedness" (TOB, C. West) lived with God's glory shining through them. And in the original state of innocence, when God created male and female, He blessed them and told them to be fruitful and to multiply. And God did so, creating humans in male and female, in His Divine image of the Trinity. The Father loves the Son, and the Son is obedient to the Father in His love, and from thence, this Love overflows and is the Holy Spirit. Three persons, but one nature, the Divine. And such Love, as unseen as any one on earth could ever imagine or feel, are not altogether unreachable. For in the image of the male and the female persons, God in His infinite wisdom, placed marks and signs of reminder to the Divine Trinitarian Love. And it is in this love that the union between Adam and Eve in the beginning was so. And in that grievous Fault, Adam and Eve became ashamed and obstructed of this love. [My use of language here is very loose, paraphrasing from what I remembered, and it is jumping around because it is my train of thought unedited]. Why? Well, before the Fall, in the beginning, man and woman see and know each other without fear and without reserve, because their love is that of selfless giving, out of their freedom in total giving of self to each other. The urges of lust had not entered into the picture, nor has the idea of using one another as means to pleasure been there. And when man and woman first sow fig leaves to cover themselves, this complete, total, selfless giving is obstructed by lust and other sins. And the glory of God certainly could not permeate through our First Parents as such, when the truth of love is rejected. And the mission of the Christ, our blessed Lord, is to redeem this "fallen nature" of ours, and to bring again to union that Divine Love with the human flesh, as is evident in His Incarnation. And it is precisely in His act of selfless giving, completely out of free will, that Jesus demonstrated to us what love is like before sin. And any union between Man and Woman, must necessarily again, follow this principle for it to be holy.
-- Back to my actual thoughts --
Such were the some of the ideas on my mind on Saturday. I said a prayer for love during Mass and asked God what does He want of me after Holy Communion. Well, throughout the night, and even back during in the day also, God spoke to me in many different ways. But one thing that came to my mind, when Jesus passed by me, during the Eucharist Procession, was the love that God has for me. And it is in that precise manner of love that He expected in return from me -- total giving of the self, in my free will -- to love. And it is in that precise moment that I realized that I don't know if I could totally give of myself without kicking and screaming, and all sorts of misery!
And I was afraid, how could I say that I love God but unable to say to God that I am will to give of myself freely to all that He wills? But I realize that I do not love God any less than I did just a minute ago, but there seemed to be more distance now. And in reflection, how can I say that I love someone, if I cannot give of myself freely without reserve? And I keep telling myself that for one I would -- but then what about the Holy One of the Lord? There seems to be a slight disconnect between my love for Jesus and my love for another. I could say with some degree of certainty that if another had asked me of anything, I would have done with all my being, what is asked of me, well, except in the case where Jesus and the other would ask for this other same thing. Coming back, I do not know if I could say with the same degree of certainty that if Jesus had asked of me that of my love, the same very "love" that I claimed to have, would drive me to do all things.
I know this is vague, but in essence, there is a disconnect between my love of a creature and my love of the Creator. The creature is a sign, a reminder to us, a road sign if you will of how far Heaven is, and what it is like in the Divine Love of God. But if I am obstructed by the road sign, I cannot see the road further. Similarly, I cannot myself be obstructing others on my journey, lest God strike me down for such attempts. But it feels to me that in this day and age, it is already hard enough to find love that satisfies, and that it is immensely more so increasing in difficult to seek that perfect Love of God. I recognize this, and try really hard to always ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts that they may be centered on God. But in life, there ensues a much harder struggle.
The struggle sets in tihs delinma that we are all called to seek that perfect Love, and ask God for that strength, but unless I myself would open my heart to let the Holy Spirit in to guide me in practicing and loving God in all that I am, my faith life is lacking and miserable. But the reverse is also true, because in the giving of self, I would have to sacrifice what I had, what I have, and what I might have in the future, which I realized is the hardest thing to give up of, which makes me equally miserable. I guess it is the problem of obedience versus free will. If I were to be obedient, which is quite easy for me to do in various occasions, growing up in the Asian families trains most kids to be automatic in such issues, I no longer contemplate of my "free will". And in matters that I do, it seems like my obedience binds me in chains and sometimes to things I do not desire but otherwise of guilt and shame for not doing so.
Contrary to most people's experience about finding peace in that "moment" of confirmation, or the retreat high that people get, this is not to say the retreat is bad, I came out affirming my faith, but with a huge bag of questions, thoughts, and anxieties that I had not thought of before. In fact, I find all the singing during Adoration to be quite distracting with the hand motions, it takes away my mind from Jesus and my contemplations. And I do have to say, at the conclusion of the retreat, God had given me what I asked for when I set out to come to Youth 2000. I'm still in the kicking and screaming mode -- and possibly false rationalization stage...
I'm gonna need some major prayers on this one...maybe I have always needed this big prayer, just that I am way to distracted by other stuff...and have finally come to the realization of this "ship" that I am.
TMH
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Theology, Philosophy, and Publishing.
Years back, when I was first baptized and confirmed as a Catholic Christian, I knew very little or my faith coming out of the RCIA program. But I was sort of zealous of my faith and studied some of the things I ought to study as a good Catholic. I sort of gave up eventually due to school work, this and that, all sorts of excuses. And I think during this period, I also started getting into online arguments with people I do not even know about matters of faith. And after a lot of run-ins and time wasting in explaining stuff over and over again, just to see the other side ignoring them altogether, I sort of just gave up.
I decided that if anyone is going to talk to me about matters of faith, they are going to have to do it in person. And I promptly deletes all "spam" looking religious posts on my blogs and xanga. And for a while, I transfered my energy to sharing what I've learned about my faith. And that didn't turn out so well -- on my part -- for the lack of material and sometimes I may not get things right, and that becomes hard for me to having to go back and retract what I said. So that sort of passed.
As an aside, I still remember though, that one place I go for information is a good friend's site on AOL: http://members.aol.com/ahansolo23/index1.html, yes, it was on AOL, this is how old the stuff was...surprisingly it still works! And I remember visiting a link to Summa: http://www.newadvent.org/summa/1002.htm about the existence of God.
Anyways, I think it just wasn't the right time and age for me to be actually evangelizing, least of all by words and publications. And I think even to this day, I'm still not in the business of doing that. All I would like to do is to share my experience and my lessons of life and if these be spiritual moments, I would love to share it. Well, being an engineering student in college really precluded me from much further contemplation or really spending the time to organize my thoughts and publishing them. But I sort of gave up trying to use words and publication as a means of living my faith and sharing the Good News of the Lord. I think I realized that I gotta live the faith before I even start to write up pamphlets about it.
Then about a few years ago, I glossed over an xanga entry by one of my little cousins, on matters of faith. I really wanted to comment something about the post, and I think I might have said something or wrote something about it...I couldn't recall. But in the end, I kind of just pushed the save draft button and left it in there to rot. Why? Well, a faith lived is testimony enough methinks. And it is also during this time I stopped trying to quote the exact verses of the Bible when I talked about matters of faith. I wanted to use my own words and also let the Holy Spirit guide me as He wills. I did not want to be constricted to Bible quote slamming, in fact, "sola scriptura" is actually not scriptural (nowhere in the Bible did it mention only the Bible alone, in fact, it even reference to books not in the Bible). And I believed that I should not be sharing about stuff that I have not experienced.
I remember vagued about saying a prayer to God about gaining wisdom or something to that degree -- as opposed to just intellectual advancements. I desired wisdom.
At that point, I stopped reading and started to listen. Of course, I still loved to read but I think my interest in actually acquiring knowledge of wisdom waned, since wisdom is sometimes best learned lived. I think in a way, I went from one extreme to another, from studying of God and wisdom to trying to "live the life". And I think this contributed highly to my coming to Austin to study. I wanted to have an environment that I can live and learn through more than just reading and studying. And I think this has been a long lesson for me that I am still trying to unwrap as my college years comes to a close.
The thing is, I did not send out that letter to my cousin, because I really wanted that discussion to be one from the heart and not something that she jogged down in her notes from conferences or retreats. Quotes are fine, but I believed that they have to be substantiated with our own personal convictions and believes digested with reason and logics. I wanted move the level of the discussion above the level of "I believe..." and "You believe...". I wanted the discussion to move away from believing for the sake of believing. Reason and Faith works together to bring us closer to God and closer to understanding of our own purposes on this earth. Without reason, faith blinded is easily influenced. Frank Sheed put it this way,
I couldn't have put it another way. "To be stumbling along in the dark, happy in the knowledge that our guides can see, is not at all the same thing as walking in the light." That really speaks my point. I wanted to know that my discussions will be constructive and actually serving an end other than, "I'm right, you're wrong" or the such.
There is two things in action here: young people on the Internet with lots of energy and passion about their believes, usually coming out of conferences and retreats, or of new-convert experiences; and seeing wisdom, living it, and sharing about it. These two things need not be exclusive of each other, but there is a proper and appropriate level of involvement of the two. Too much and unsubstantiated fusion of the two creates not only meaningless bandwidth wastage, but also gets the Christian community a bad rap on- and off-line. And well, I guess sometimes there is not too little, living the faith is acceptable -- only use words when necessary!
I think the bottom line of this is that I sort of stopped reading for the sake of discourse or arguments. That added with college work, I actually stopped reading philosophy and theology altogether, which I regret I should have continued -- for the reason of gaining wisdom. I guess one can never experience all aspects of wisdom living through life -- there is just not enough time. And the fact of the matter is that sometimes to live life, you need some wisdom to jump start it...hence studying philosophy and theology helps.
I write this article because I find myself once again distracted by people posting on my xanga about "religious" stuff that I felt like I would not make much dent even if I replied in defense of my faith. Unsubstantiated and uneducated claims fueled by passions of blind faith can only get you so far. And further arguments won't even make sense...I guess I write this article to remind myself about the purpose of philosophy and theology. And of course, to share my experience and ranting on this matter...
TMH
I decided that if anyone is going to talk to me about matters of faith, they are going to have to do it in person. And I promptly deletes all "spam" looking religious posts on my blogs and xanga. And for a while, I transfered my energy to sharing what I've learned about my faith. And that didn't turn out so well -- on my part -- for the lack of material and sometimes I may not get things right, and that becomes hard for me to having to go back and retract what I said. So that sort of passed.
As an aside, I still remember though, that one place I go for information is a good friend's site on AOL: http://members.aol.com/ahansolo23/index1.html, yes, it was on AOL, this is how old the stuff was...surprisingly it still works! And I remember visiting a link to Summa: http://www.newadvent.org/summa/1002.htm about the existence of God.
Anyways, I think it just wasn't the right time and age for me to be actually evangelizing, least of all by words and publications. And I think even to this day, I'm still not in the business of doing that. All I would like to do is to share my experience and my lessons of life and if these be spiritual moments, I would love to share it. Well, being an engineering student in college really precluded me from much further contemplation or really spending the time to organize my thoughts and publishing them. But I sort of gave up trying to use words and publication as a means of living my faith and sharing the Good News of the Lord. I think I realized that I gotta live the faith before I even start to write up pamphlets about it.
Then about a few years ago, I glossed over an xanga entry by one of my little cousins, on matters of faith. I really wanted to comment something about the post, and I think I might have said something or wrote something about it...I couldn't recall. But in the end, I kind of just pushed the save draft button and left it in there to rot. Why? Well, a faith lived is testimony enough methinks. And it is also during this time I stopped trying to quote the exact verses of the Bible when I talked about matters of faith. I wanted to use my own words and also let the Holy Spirit guide me as He wills. I did not want to be constricted to Bible quote slamming, in fact, "sola scriptura" is actually not scriptural (nowhere in the Bible did it mention only the Bible alone, in fact, it even reference to books not in the Bible). And I believed that I should not be sharing about stuff that I have not experienced.
I remember vagued about saying a prayer to God about gaining wisdom or something to that degree -- as opposed to just intellectual advancements. I desired wisdom.
At that point, I stopped reading and started to listen. Of course, I still loved to read but I think my interest in actually acquiring knowledge of wisdom waned, since wisdom is sometimes best learned lived. I think in a way, I went from one extreme to another, from studying of God and wisdom to trying to "live the life". And I think this contributed highly to my coming to Austin to study. I wanted to have an environment that I can live and learn through more than just reading and studying. And I think this has been a long lesson for me that I am still trying to unwrap as my college years comes to a close.
The thing is, I did not send out that letter to my cousin, because I really wanted that discussion to be one from the heart and not something that she jogged down in her notes from conferences or retreats. Quotes are fine, but I believed that they have to be substantiated with our own personal convictions and believes digested with reason and logics. I wanted move the level of the discussion above the level of "I believe..." and "You believe...". I wanted the discussion to move away from believing for the sake of believing. Reason and Faith works together to bring us closer to God and closer to understanding of our own purposes on this earth. Without reason, faith blinded is easily influenced. Frank Sheed put it this way,
"Truth is light too. Not to see it is to be in the darkness, to see it wrong is to be in double darkness. The greater part of reality can be known if God tells us. Doctrine is what he tells; lacking it, we lack light. To be stumbling along in the dark, happy in the knowledge that our guides can see, is not at all the same thing as walking in the light. It is immeasurably better than stumbling through the dark with blind guides but it is poverty all the same" (Theology for Beginners, F. J. Sheed).
I couldn't have put it another way. "To be stumbling along in the dark, happy in the knowledge that our guides can see, is not at all the same thing as walking in the light." That really speaks my point. I wanted to know that my discussions will be constructive and actually serving an end other than, "I'm right, you're wrong" or the such.
There is two things in action here: young people on the Internet with lots of energy and passion about their believes, usually coming out of conferences and retreats, or of new-convert experiences; and seeing wisdom, living it, and sharing about it. These two things need not be exclusive of each other, but there is a proper and appropriate level of involvement of the two. Too much and unsubstantiated fusion of the two creates not only meaningless bandwidth wastage, but also gets the Christian community a bad rap on- and off-line. And well, I guess sometimes there is not too little, living the faith is acceptable -- only use words when necessary!
I think the bottom line of this is that I sort of stopped reading for the sake of discourse or arguments. That added with college work, I actually stopped reading philosophy and theology altogether, which I regret I should have continued -- for the reason of gaining wisdom. I guess one can never experience all aspects of wisdom living through life -- there is just not enough time. And the fact of the matter is that sometimes to live life, you need some wisdom to jump start it...hence studying philosophy and theology helps.
I write this article because I find myself once again distracted by people posting on my xanga about "religious" stuff that I felt like I would not make much dent even if I replied in defense of my faith. Unsubstantiated and uneducated claims fueled by passions of blind faith can only get you so far. And further arguments won't even make sense...I guess I write this article to remind myself about the purpose of philosophy and theology. And of course, to share my experience and ranting on this matter...
TMH
Friday, March 14, 2008
Five Years Later...
[I wrote this out of whim, after reading my poem from five years ago about Love]
Dear Lord if it please you, I pray,
To you my heart pours, all that I am, and that I want.
Words of good Francis I pray,
To give as to be given,
To love as to be loved,
And to die so as to rise to Life Eternal.
And in song I sing, to not want for You are my Shepherd.
And You alone knows all that I am, and all that I need.
My Love would be meaningless without Your Cross,
Through which Your Graces and Mercies flow...
And Joyful it be the Father's Will, Your Obedience, and of Mary's Fiat.
There is this woman that I love,
Of her beauty -- only thanks and praise to You oh Lord,
But of her virtue and grace -- dear Lord, again praise and thanks,
And all these with her fervent and flaming heart, for You Lord, -- Thrice the praise!
Though not the same way we shall tred, to You,
Be our only end -- to praise and to thank.
And what about Love? Meh, You have shown us the way
To Love, the Way of the Cross;
And this, Your Love, is infinite, forever, Father, Spirit, and Son!
It hurts, in my heart, to even think of this Love, the Love of Your Holy Cross.
The Nails and the Crown, and the Corpus Charitus -- all Your Love!
So when you created Man and Woman, this You meant,
Man for Woman in his body and in his blood;
And Woman for Man compassion and grace;
And the for such love to be born a babe as the third:
Just like Father, Spirit, and Son.
It seems to me, my Blessed Lord, Beauty and Love is so hard to find,
But the words of Francis bounce back out, "To Love as to be loved".
And may it be my principle and action from hence and forth,
'Til the time that I shall lay rest in Your Bosom Divine
To bring forth Love for Love's sake
And to receive Love with thanksgiving of Your Grace.
And I ask You to take my tears and my pain,
The aches in my chest, and the burnings of my heart,
All my anxieties, and all my fears;
Take them, O Lord, to Your Cross, and may they be
Hammered and Nailed, to die
And reborn with You in Spirit and in Strength for the New Day to come.
Five Years have I journeyed this road to find Love,
Many times I have strayed
From Your Divine Nag. Sorry My Lord.
For Years Later I might add, I am still looking for Love
Though my years of journey you have taught me much.
To love as to be loved...
And to live with hope and faith -- when on that Day of Trumpet Blast --
I shall finally see Your Face and my fight be no more.
Dear Lord I pray still, for a dear companion on the journey,
To whom I may share the joys and the agonies...
Dear Lord I pray that this journey You may bless
With Wisdom and Grace -- to discern and to follow --
That Your Will be Done Still.
Still Five more years later -- I pray that I will still be in Love.
To Mary my Mother Blest in Heaven, and siblings in Christ, a prayer please say for me of my struggles and my pain, and a prayer of thanksgiving sing for me, in my triumph and in my joy.
And all these my mundane prayer be to You, my dear Lord. My Good Lord. To God the Father, and the Holy Spirit, and the Son.
Amen with Love.
Dear Lord if it please you, I pray,
To you my heart pours, all that I am, and that I want.
Words of good Francis I pray,
To give as to be given,
To love as to be loved,
And to die so as to rise to Life Eternal.
And in song I sing, to not want for You are my Shepherd.
And You alone knows all that I am, and all that I need.
My Love would be meaningless without Your Cross,
Through which Your Graces and Mercies flow...
And Joyful it be the Father's Will, Your Obedience, and of Mary's Fiat.
There is this woman that I love,
Of her beauty -- only thanks and praise to You oh Lord,
But of her virtue and grace -- dear Lord, again praise and thanks,
And all these with her fervent and flaming heart, for You Lord, -- Thrice the praise!
Though not the same way we shall tred, to You,
Be our only end -- to praise and to thank.
And what about Love? Meh, You have shown us the way
To Love, the Way of the Cross;
And this, Your Love, is infinite, forever, Father, Spirit, and Son!
It hurts, in my heart, to even think of this Love, the Love of Your Holy Cross.
The Nails and the Crown, and the Corpus Charitus -- all Your Love!
So when you created Man and Woman, this You meant,
Man for Woman in his body and in his blood;
And Woman for Man compassion and grace;
And the for such love to be born a babe as the third:
Just like Father, Spirit, and Son.
It seems to me, my Blessed Lord, Beauty and Love is so hard to find,
But the words of Francis bounce back out, "To Love as to be loved".
And may it be my principle and action from hence and forth,
'Til the time that I shall lay rest in Your Bosom Divine
To bring forth Love for Love's sake
And to receive Love with thanksgiving of Your Grace.
And I ask You to take my tears and my pain,
The aches in my chest, and the burnings of my heart,
All my anxieties, and all my fears;
Take them, O Lord, to Your Cross, and may they be
Hammered and Nailed, to die
And reborn with You in Spirit and in Strength for the New Day to come.
Five Years have I journeyed this road to find Love,
Many times I have strayed
From Your Divine Nag. Sorry My Lord.
For Years Later I might add, I am still looking for Love
Though my years of journey you have taught me much.
To love as to be loved...
And to live with hope and faith -- when on that Day of Trumpet Blast --
I shall finally see Your Face and my fight be no more.
Dear Lord I pray still, for a dear companion on the journey,
To whom I may share the joys and the agonies...
Dear Lord I pray that this journey You may bless
With Wisdom and Grace -- to discern and to follow --
That Your Will be Done Still.
Still Five more years later -- I pray that I will still be in Love.
To Mary my Mother Blest in Heaven, and siblings in Christ, a prayer please say for me of my struggles and my pain, and a prayer of thanksgiving sing for me, in my triumph and in my joy.
And all these my mundane prayer be to You, my dear Lord. My Good Lord. To God the Father, and the Holy Spirit, and the Son.
Amen with Love.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
REPOST: What Does It Mean to Say "I Love You"?
[Originally written on Jan. 28, 2003, used to be placed on the old Untitled Benedictus on geocities, but the site was lost. I dug it out of my old music binder today on March 14, 2008; no edit is done, preserved for original's sake]
Disclaimer: This poem is REALLY OUT-OF-DATE. It speaks of really old stuff. if per-chance it coincide with any current events, it is purely by nature coincidental; actually, I was going through my older music binder for something to play and some old stuff came up; what can I say??
---
01/28/2003: What does it mean to say "I Love You"?
What does it mean to say I Love you?
Does it mean that I have a fond feeling of you?
Or does it mean that I have a lot to tell you about what I like about you?
Or does it mean I envy for your virtue?
Or maybe I just wanna be a friend?
Some might say Love is all about sex...
What do you have to say about that?
What does it mean to Love?
Can we live without Love?
But what is Love?
Can we have Love?
When we all say I Love You,
Does it really mean I Love You
That I would swap my life for yours?
Or do I simply want to impress you?
What is true Love, and what is the universal Love?
The Love of you, and the Love of the rest,
Are they any different?
In as much as how much we Love?
So truly, I pray you tell,
What is Love?
How is Love?
and Why is Love?
Whence I should really say, "I Love You"...
Whilst my mind really speak of something else?
And Whence I should say, "OK"...
Whilst my heart acknowledges where you stand...
On the platform of life of virtue and Love.
We all make decisions,
Some yes's and some no's:
And let this be one of them that has no answer:
for Love is infinite, and Love is forever lasting,
Like that of Christ and that of God.
So my dear friend, pray tell,
What do you think of Love?
And who would you say about Love before I should say I Love?
Maybe it is your words that render the most of Love,
At least in me it seems to light,
Bright as the shining star:
Yet invisible as my hearts are barried[sic] deep down inside.
And pray tell how say you to Love?
And what you think of Love?
I think, and would you?
Maybe it is time for you and me to sit down and think about it,
My dear friend, tell me all you want to say about "I Love You".
Oh, and did I mention that I Love You?
---
[A poem written for a friend in the most vague and time-wasting manner, in 2003. Looks like my skills in being vague has not decreased, maybe I will write a new one, "Five Years Later...", hhmm...]
Disclaimer: This poem is REALLY OUT-OF-DATE. It speaks of really old stuff. if per-chance it coincide with any current events, it is purely by nature coincidental; actually, I was going through my older music binder for something to play and some old stuff came up; what can I say??
---
01/28/2003: What does it mean to say "I Love You"?
What does it mean to say I Love you?
Does it mean that I have a fond feeling of you?
Or does it mean that I have a lot to tell you about what I like about you?
Or does it mean I envy for your virtue?
Or maybe I just wanna be a friend?
Some might say Love is all about sex...
What do you have to say about that?
What does it mean to Love?
Can we live without Love?
But what is Love?
Can we have Love?
When we all say I Love You,
Does it really mean I Love You
That I would swap my life for yours?
Or do I simply want to impress you?
What is true Love, and what is the universal Love?
The Love of you, and the Love of the rest,
Are they any different?
In as much as how much we Love?
So truly, I pray you tell,
What is Love?
How is Love?
and Why is Love?
Whence I should really say, "I Love You"...
Whilst my mind really speak of something else?
And Whence I should say, "OK"...
Whilst my heart acknowledges where you stand...
On the platform of life of virtue and Love.
We all make decisions,
Some yes's and some no's:
And let this be one of them that has no answer:
for Love is infinite, and Love is forever lasting,
Like that of Christ and that of God.
So my dear friend, pray tell,
What do you think of Love?
And who would you say about Love before I should say I Love?
Maybe it is your words that render the most of Love,
At least in me it seems to light,
Bright as the shining star:
Yet invisible as my hearts are barried[sic] deep down inside.
And pray tell how say you to Love?
And what you think of Love?
I think, and would you?
Maybe it is time for you and me to sit down and think about it,
My dear friend, tell me all you want to say about "I Love You".
Oh, and did I mention that I Love You?
---
[A poem written for a friend in the most vague and time-wasting manner, in 2003. Looks like my skills in being vague has not decreased, maybe I will write a new one, "Five Years Later...", hhmm...]
Saturday, February 23, 2008
An Apoloy Letter
[Written on Nov. 15, 2007 A.D., Eve of LOA Initiation, at my battered apartment on Guadalupe, Austin, TX, Edited on Feb 23, 2008, same place]
Dear Lady,
I sincerely apologize, on behave of men of our doing in the disrespectful things that are done throughout time and are occurring, and those that might occur. I know I cannot possibly be at fault or even begin to say sorry for all the wrongs in the world, and at the risk of sounding conceit for taking up these sorrow, but my heart is in pain when I hear of these wrongs and wishes to do or say something to sooth the pain. After conversing with you, I discovered that something that I and no doubt many other men have done in the name of any numbers of excuses disregarded your dignity and beauty.
All I can say is the fact that I admire very much of your beauty: the way you speak; the way you move; the way you are able to point out your delicate heart; and the form that God has made you. All my life, I've sought after you -- wanting to become close to you -- in mind and in proximity! I could imagine that many men are in the same sort of mind frame that I am in. I ask that you forgive us for the deplorable things that we've done. And in contemplation of such said things may we men come to grasp with our weakness and nature. I pray that I will learn in time to not only avoid but also speak up in my place as a fellow human being against such crimes of the soul.
My apology stems from the fact that I did not do, as my believe in truth and moral dictates, but rather encouraged the actions thereof to the violation of your beauty and existence. I could not sleep well knowing that I have tolerated such action, and even myself partook in some. The thought troubles me so and it grieves me to not have recognized this and promptly stop it as part of my duty as a fellow human being and Children of God.
Again I pray that God will forgive me and my brethren for committing such high crimes against your beauty and dignity. I pray for your forgiveness and intercession that friendship and understanding may grow henceforth and that my resolve to chastity and respect of dignity and beauty will not dwindle but rather grow ever fervent.
To Holiness and to Love...with most sincere apology,
TMH
Nov. 15, 2007 A.D.
Dear Lady,
I sincerely apologize, on behave of men of our doing in the disrespectful things that are done throughout time and are occurring, and those that might occur. I know I cannot possibly be at fault or even begin to say sorry for all the wrongs in the world, and at the risk of sounding conceit for taking up these sorrow, but my heart is in pain when I hear of these wrongs and wishes to do or say something to sooth the pain. After conversing with you, I discovered that something that I and no doubt many other men have done in the name of any numbers of excuses disregarded your dignity and beauty.
All I can say is the fact that I admire very much of your beauty: the way you speak; the way you move; the way you are able to point out your delicate heart; and the form that God has made you. All my life, I've sought after you -- wanting to become close to you -- in mind and in proximity! I could imagine that many men are in the same sort of mind frame that I am in. I ask that you forgive us for the deplorable things that we've done. And in contemplation of such said things may we men come to grasp with our weakness and nature. I pray that I will learn in time to not only avoid but also speak up in my place as a fellow human being against such crimes of the soul.
My apology stems from the fact that I did not do, as my believe in truth and moral dictates, but rather encouraged the actions thereof to the violation of your beauty and existence. I could not sleep well knowing that I have tolerated such action, and even myself partook in some. The thought troubles me so and it grieves me to not have recognized this and promptly stop it as part of my duty as a fellow human being and Children of God.
Again I pray that God will forgive me and my brethren for committing such high crimes against your beauty and dignity. I pray for your forgiveness and intercession that friendship and understanding may grow henceforth and that my resolve to chastity and respect of dignity and beauty will not dwindle but rather grow ever fervent.
To Holiness and to Love...with most sincere apology,
TMH
Nov. 15, 2007 A.D.
Monday, February 18, 2008
A Prayer to St. Michael Archangel
Saint Michael the Archangel,
Defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him,
we humbly pray.
And do thou, O Prince of Heavenly Host --
by the Divine Powers of GOD --
cast into Hell, Satan and all the evil spirits
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruins of souls.
--
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
Blessed art thou Amongst women,
Blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of GOD,
Pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
TMH 2/18/2007
Defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him,
we humbly pray.
And do thou, O Prince of Heavenly Host --
by the Divine Powers of GOD --
cast into Hell, Satan and all the evil spirits
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruins of souls.
--
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
Blessed art thou Amongst women,
Blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of GOD,
Pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
TMH 2/18/2007
Friday, February 15, 2008
College -- Rise and Fall of Faith
[Originally written 03/07/2007, edited with conclusion on 02/15/2008]
Years ago, when I was graduating from high school, some of my fellow post-college friends told us that our faith in college would either flourish or fall. At the time that felt like a shock and a surge, I keep telling myself, I must make preparations and plans so that I do not fall.
Funny it must have been to God. No man will walk the journey of Christ without falling at least half a dozen times. And most of them will have struggled with various difficulties throughout the journey. One fall cannot destroy us, lest we decide to stay down in despair and in fear. No my brothers and sisters, college may have and probably will be the place that many will trip and fall, it is also a place for many to stand back up and to rise to holiness. And we are only human, we all have faults, no one will journey unchallenged. Even Jesus was tempted in the desert, and through His Lenten journey, Jesus showed us how it is to be done! I can only say from my own experience that if one takes the attitude that college will make or break a Christian -- and to hold the attitude that one may never recover from that -- is despairing and pessimist indeed. We must not forget that our lives are ultimately in the hands of God, and only by following Jesus will we know the way. And let's not forget that the Spirit is our teacher on the way when we are weary and doubtful. God is with us always! His incarnate word was named Emmanuel -- no other religion exists today speaks of the love of God so great -- as to become one and to live among us, and to give of Himself to us -- our very sinful state!
No, my friend, one does not fall and stay down, albeit that our college campus today is extremely voided for God. In philosophy classes, any arguments to do with God is dismissed either as naive, unsupported, discriminatory, or irrelevant. And often, many teaches the way of pleasure or maximized benefits as the criteria in examining moral, ethics, and other lively principles. Textbooks are constructed using weak pieces of the so-called "conservative" position and stronger pieces of the so-called "liberal" position. And these classes are often offered to freshman students as requirements in fine arts and social studies.
In freshman year, I took a rhetoric course titled, "Everything is an Argument", and now I begin to really see that purpose some of these ethics and philosophy classes are really just an argument that awaits to be analyzed and digested -- and not everything can be taken at a face value. But I do not think our average freshman will be prepared for the bombardment of "logistic", "tolerant", "legal" arguments that some of our professors puts up in these classes.
Classes tailored to educate students to be liberal is one thing, the whole experience of without parents and without supervision -- and the kind of activities thereof, drinking, sex, drugs, discrimination, list goes on -- becomes much more like the ordinary run-of-the-mill events one hears from friends and people across the hall. Yes, the outlook of it seems gloom, but it's not all doom I must say.
Unlike my friend, I believe that it is this attitude of oh if I fall, then I'm gone, might as well do this and that, oh, since I've fall so far, might as well try that. Such attitude is what 'causes further degrading of ones will to continue on the journey of faith, along side with the external factors of teenage-hood, leaving-home, new environment, etc. I know it is hard sometimes, seeing all the environmental factors, but we must not forget the attitude we hold also speaks very much of how much action we will undertake. And of course, the Man upstairs is always watching over us. So the outlook isn't all that bad -- in my opinion.
But what do we do when we fall?
Stand back up and keep moving! Maybe there are times when you fall, you don't know where you are and which way to go any more, and that is when you seek the guidance of the Spirit. There's more struggle than just the usual sex, drug, and alcohol lurking around -- loneliness, sickness, grades, vocation, friendship, boyfriends, girlfriends -- tons of them, small things like roommate may even make or break someone's semester -- and possible academic career!
---
But most importantly of all, stand back up and move along. Do you want your faith life to go into Ashes? Because from Ashes we were made, and on the Last Day -- from Ashes we shall rise.
TMH
Years ago, when I was graduating from high school, some of my fellow post-college friends told us that our faith in college would either flourish or fall. At the time that felt like a shock and a surge, I keep telling myself, I must make preparations and plans so that I do not fall.
Funny it must have been to God. No man will walk the journey of Christ without falling at least half a dozen times. And most of them will have struggled with various difficulties throughout the journey. One fall cannot destroy us, lest we decide to stay down in despair and in fear. No my brothers and sisters, college may have and probably will be the place that many will trip and fall, it is also a place for many to stand back up and to rise to holiness. And we are only human, we all have faults, no one will journey unchallenged. Even Jesus was tempted in the desert, and through His Lenten journey, Jesus showed us how it is to be done! I can only say from my own experience that if one takes the attitude that college will make or break a Christian -- and to hold the attitude that one may never recover from that -- is despairing and pessimist indeed. We must not forget that our lives are ultimately in the hands of God, and only by following Jesus will we know the way. And let's not forget that the Spirit is our teacher on the way when we are weary and doubtful. God is with us always! His incarnate word was named Emmanuel -- no other religion exists today speaks of the love of God so great -- as to become one and to live among us, and to give of Himself to us -- our very sinful state!
No, my friend, one does not fall and stay down, albeit that our college campus today is extremely voided for God. In philosophy classes, any arguments to do with God is dismissed either as naive, unsupported, discriminatory, or irrelevant. And often, many teaches the way of pleasure or maximized benefits as the criteria in examining moral, ethics, and other lively principles. Textbooks are constructed using weak pieces of the so-called "conservative" position and stronger pieces of the so-called "liberal" position. And these classes are often offered to freshman students as requirements in fine arts and social studies.
In freshman year, I took a rhetoric course titled, "Everything is an Argument", and now I begin to really see that purpose some of these ethics and philosophy classes are really just an argument that awaits to be analyzed and digested -- and not everything can be taken at a face value. But I do not think our average freshman will be prepared for the bombardment of "logistic", "tolerant", "legal" arguments that some of our professors puts up in these classes.
Classes tailored to educate students to be liberal is one thing, the whole experience of without parents and without supervision -- and the kind of activities thereof, drinking, sex, drugs, discrimination, list goes on -- becomes much more like the ordinary run-of-the-mill events one hears from friends and people across the hall. Yes, the outlook of it seems gloom, but it's not all doom I must say.
Unlike my friend, I believe that it is this attitude of oh if I fall, then I'm gone, might as well do this and that, oh, since I've fall so far, might as well try that. Such attitude is what 'causes further degrading of ones will to continue on the journey of faith, along side with the external factors of teenage-hood, leaving-home, new environment, etc. I know it is hard sometimes, seeing all the environmental factors, but we must not forget the attitude we hold also speaks very much of how much action we will undertake. And of course, the Man upstairs is always watching over us. So the outlook isn't all that bad -- in my opinion.
But what do we do when we fall?
Stand back up and keep moving! Maybe there are times when you fall, you don't know where you are and which way to go any more, and that is when you seek the guidance of the Spirit. There's more struggle than just the usual sex, drug, and alcohol lurking around -- loneliness, sickness, grades, vocation, friendship, boyfriends, girlfriends -- tons of them, small things like roommate may even make or break someone's semester -- and possible academic career!
---
But most importantly of all, stand back up and move along. Do you want your faith life to go into Ashes? Because from Ashes we were made, and on the Last Day -- from Ashes we shall rise.
TMH
College 3. Azn Culture in College Campus
A few years back, before I went off to college, my Godfather Marvin said to me, "Now son, don't you get stuck in the [AZN-ness] culture." I knew what he meant and it took some time to figure out what is the alternative. For me, it is even stranger, because I immigrated to this Country when I was in middle school, and I had much memory of my youth in Taiwan as I was growing up: the customs, culture, and practices sticks with me. What does Marvin meant then, of all this AZN-ness culture?
Well, I knew what he meant, but I could not quite put words to it until I've been at college for a few years living farther away from my culturally close-knit family and friends. For once, I was able to live just as me, living as a Catholic Christian in a diverse campus at UT. And I made a decision to stay away from the all too familiar "culture organizations" such as TISA, TASA, CSA, AACM, or the like. Why? I am Chinese, so why do I not belong to such organizations? Why do I not try to find my roots and get to know those of my origin? And to add to this further, there was often talks about "diversity" or recognizing "diversity" on campus and how there should be more awareness and what not. But in truth, all of these attempts are simply trying to point out the difference and make the contrast of difference that much more tensioned.
In these above organizations, and surrounding, people either have a feeling of comfort in knowing their superiority or have the flame to fight for injustices due to unfair treatments (and sometimes even for unbalanced treatments). And it is all to popular to see on facebook or casual conversation of people's stereotype relating to the AZN culture. They're smart, hardworking, innovative, etc., etc. But some things that people did not say: they're inclusive, always speaking their own languages and leaving others out, or they have such pride that it becomes difficult to exist with them together and not being the "white man" or other forms of odd one out. And to point out of the diversity, further antagonizes the situation. In instances, people within the group promotes this sort of "we should have our own [insert stuff]", and thus arriving to a separate but equal proposition, much to the contrary goal of "ethnic diversity" or "diversity awareness" in trying to integrate a large campus of diverse populous.
There is a second point that I wish to discuss of this issue, in relation to my Catholic faith. A very key and important aspect of the Church is that it is Catholic, or universal, in that it possesses the fullness of truth and that in many aspects of its Mystical Body such truth is encompassed. And to be separate into different branches of interests and even ethnic segments thinking that each segment have the full truth contradicts that spirit. We have to work together -- not separately on our own -- there is not a different Heaven for Asians than the Caucasians, nor the African Americans, nor the Hispanics, nor whatever division that separates people. At this point though, I must point out, however different my philosophy may be, or however crude and un-politically-correct it is, I do not intend to harm or charge the situation. My goal of writing this article, is to treatise and obtain for me the principle reason why I do not participate in the whole AZN-ness culture, and as part of my larger discussion in trying to define "Chinese Catholic in America".
And I understood a little bit of what alternative I should have of this AZN culture. I shall expound on this later.
TMH
Well, I knew what he meant, but I could not quite put words to it until I've been at college for a few years living farther away from my culturally close-knit family and friends. For once, I was able to live just as me, living as a Catholic Christian in a diverse campus at UT. And I made a decision to stay away from the all too familiar "culture organizations" such as TISA, TASA, CSA, AACM, or the like. Why? I am Chinese, so why do I not belong to such organizations? Why do I not try to find my roots and get to know those of my origin? And to add to this further, there was often talks about "diversity" or recognizing "diversity" on campus and how there should be more awareness and what not. But in truth, all of these attempts are simply trying to point out the difference and make the contrast of difference that much more tensioned.
In these above organizations, and surrounding, people either have a feeling of comfort in knowing their superiority or have the flame to fight for injustices due to unfair treatments (and sometimes even for unbalanced treatments). And it is all to popular to see on facebook or casual conversation of people's stereotype relating to the AZN culture. They're smart, hardworking, innovative, etc., etc. But some things that people did not say: they're inclusive, always speaking their own languages and leaving others out, or they have such pride that it becomes difficult to exist with them together and not being the "white man" or other forms of odd one out. And to point out of the diversity, further antagonizes the situation. In instances, people within the group promotes this sort of "we should have our own [insert stuff]", and thus arriving to a separate but equal proposition, much to the contrary goal of "ethnic diversity" or "diversity awareness" in trying to integrate a large campus of diverse populous.
There is a second point that I wish to discuss of this issue, in relation to my Catholic faith. A very key and important aspect of the Church is that it is Catholic, or universal, in that it possesses the fullness of truth and that in many aspects of its Mystical Body such truth is encompassed. And to be separate into different branches of interests and even ethnic segments thinking that each segment have the full truth contradicts that spirit. We have to work together -- not separately on our own -- there is not a different Heaven for Asians than the Caucasians, nor the African Americans, nor the Hispanics, nor whatever division that separates people. At this point though, I must point out, however different my philosophy may be, or however crude and un-politically-correct it is, I do not intend to harm or charge the situation. My goal of writing this article, is to treatise and obtain for me the principle reason why I do not participate in the whole AZN-ness culture, and as part of my larger discussion in trying to define "Chinese Catholic in America".
And I understood a little bit of what alternative I should have of this AZN culture. I shall expound on this later.
TMH
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