First Watch with Jesus.

[This entry requires much editting and content organization]

Over the weekend, I had an unique experience to spend a lot of time in front of the Blessed Sacrement. I've always heard of perpetual Adoration between Lent, but I have never been involved in one before. And I must say that however it is tiring, it is worth every bit of the time.

The readings and homily on Friday was about the timeless-ness of God, how He is beyond our space and time. Unlike the human experience of senses and time-durations of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, God exists in eternity. An anology would be us walking through a hilly mountain through the sun, rain, mist, and storm, but God would be in a helicoptor over looking the entire journey. Well, I guess this experience of perpetual Adoration feels like sharing a bit of the eternity that we would spend when our time here on earth is finished. I can't feel but excited -- singing and praising God with the angels and saints in eternity!! Just imagine that! (There's a song that goes by the title "I Could Ony Imagine", well, kinda like that).

And I this is probably the most prayer that I've done since a long time. Probably since CCX...or maybe since the last Awakening. All this programming gets me stuck in front of my computer -- bad!! Good thing I'm already tired from sitting in front of the computer all day, therefore no games...what's the point ya know.

So as I walked into the Church we stayed for the weekend, the priest at the parish asked Paul who's going to be attending the Mass for the Exposition and take the first shift of Adoration. I literally just crawled out of my car from a all-morning drive since 7:30AM (and it was about 5PM then). I kinda wanted to just hang, but for some reason, after walking around realizing I'm actually early and that most of the people here are helping moving stuff in and out of the kitchen, so I wandered around a bit (this is before mass started). I wanted to go to Mass, because usually Jimmy and I goes to daily Mass at the UCC on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. And I guess I was thinking, too bad, Jimmy isn't here, and I kinda wanted someone else to go with me. So the priest came around again to ask for someone to watch Jesus after the exposition Mass, then John got here, and said he would go, and asked me if I wanna go, too. So there I have someone to go with!

In Mass, the priest went over the eternity anology I just quoted above. And funny thing is, the priest opened up the floor for question after homily :-)

So he quizzed us, "God is all forgiving, but why is the sin against the Holy Spirit unforgivable?"

Ans.) Because if you do not take the guidance from the Holy Spirit, who do you take guidance from? If you don't believe in the power of God, how can God forgive you? (This was when Jesus was driving out demons from a possessed person and someone accused Him of using power from the devil).

Well, this sort of sets up things for the weekend. Never doubt the Holy Spirit of God, and be moved by Him! Because you can't be moved without the Holy Spirit! So that's what I thought about during Adoration.

Ever since CCX #2, and the discussion we've had about exorcism and possessions, I often get cold-chills at night about it when I sleep, afraid that someone that I loved, or God-forbid I myself, may be tempted. Now to clarify, I always knew that God is my sheperd and I shall not want, and though I shall walk through the vally of death, no evil will I fear. But some nights I just have to pray lots of Chaplet of Divine Mercy or ask for intercessions from angels and saints for protection. Well, that has troubled me many days -- know that the devil is real (the worst thing is to believe that the devil does not exists), and that evil is constantly trying to tempt us from loving God and loving our neighbors.

Well, there was this tiny bit of personal struggle (I guess you can call it thorn in the back) that I've been dealing with, and it has crippled my trust and love in God. But during the homily, I realized that I must trust in God and let the Holy Spirit guide me, I must surrender all that is me and let Jesus take me. I've heard this message all throughout these times of struggle, and I knew I have to move towards it at some point, but for some reason I just couldn't move into execution mode. I guess I lacked the faith I needed to move along, and I also lacked a friend to nag at me and keep each other accountable. This reminds me the story of the Garden of Gethsemane, where all the disciples fell asleep one after another. Well, hopefully there's someone falling asleep and was able to wake the rest of them up. And I guess this story can also be taken literally and metamorphically -- literally don't fall asleep, but metamorhpically don't let your spiritual life fall asleep! And it's always nice to have someone holding each other accountable. "Two is better than one!"

So I guess I'm really trying to talk about at least two things at once. One is thanks so much for having John as my partner at First Watch with Jesus (for keeping me accountable and not falling asleep spiritually on Friday afternoon :-)). And second thing is that during my prayers, I realized that I REALLY need to give up and surrender my own desires to Jesus to truly find myself -- to know who I am (and in that, God will be my guide and no evil will I ever fear, for He alone is my fortress and shield).

So during the course of this retreat, although I really wanted to play guitar and sing, at many times, I had to remind myself that I really need to have a conversation with God, even though it is said that singing is like praying twice, sometimes people get into the mode of let me just sing and not talk to God...I do this a lot. Maybe if we sing from our hearts then it would be like prayer twice, but if I'm singing just because I like singing [to God]...hm..suspicious motive. I guess that's some form of spiritual slacking off :-P

So I tried very hard to carry out a conversation with God throughout the entire weekend. Praying for the special intention and for myself as well. But being surrounding by many amazing brothers and sisters in Christ definitely makes the conversation much more lively with God, not just me yacking or monologue by God. I heard many talks from the retreat speakers and it definitely gave me a lot of encouragement to move along.

I'll write out parts of my thoughts in other entries more specifically later. But it was quite an experience to have First Watch with Jesus. :-)

Lastly, please pray with me:

Lord Jesus Christ, take all my freedom, my memory, and my understanding, and my will. All that I have and cherish You have given me. I surrender it all to be guided by Your will. Your grace and Your love is wealth enough for me. Give me these, Lord Jesus, and I ask for nothing more.

Amen.