Youth 2000 Meditation.

[I apologize ahead of time that this entry is again long, arduous, unorganized, and, if anything else, vague; but such is the nature of the topic of discussion at this moment, I will write another entry completing this meditation, perhaps with more vivid story telling. But right now, I seek to understand and analyze, so abstract-ness is probably better. As far as vagueness goes, you know what I am talking about if you know what I am talking about, I made it that way.]

Youth 2000 is a retreat organized by the Franciscan Friars of Renewal from the Diocese of New York. This retreat is usually held in the Diocese of Fort Worth in Texas and many of the North Texans come to this event to enrich and grow in their spiritual life.

The last time I went on this retreat, I was a high schooler, and still trying to understand my faith and reconciling that with my life. And I don't remember much details from that retreat. Several things took place in my life since last Christmas and the New Year befell, and I felt drawn and compelled to attend this retreat, though I do have my reservations and in my mind, I wondered how much spiritual growth I would obtain. Actually, at the same time I am afraid of the growth that I might get, implying responsibility and suffering. Surprisingly, in many ways it has given me much food for thought and meditation -- that perhaps will take me years to unravel my experience this past weekend.

The Eucharist is exposed during the entire weekend of the retreat until the Mass of Divine Mercy on Sunday. And Adoration is perpetual except during Mass. And after my years at college, I realize that this retreat has so much love of Jesus packed into it, my head is kind of in shock and ache right now as I sit in front of my laptop typing out my experience. I wanted to share a small part of my experiencing of this retreat. And some of the things that I had been meditating on.

It is importantly that I recall some things that was on my mind. These were my reading reflections from Fulton Sheen, Frank Sheed, Christopher West, and JPII. It sort of sets up my mind frame right now and when I was meditating on Saturday (I put them in one big paragraph, so you can skip over for time's sake):

Jesus was the only man in history Who's birth is to foreshadow His suffering, His Cross, and His Resurrection. No other man was born to die as He did. Why did our Blessed Lord have to do this? Because God loves us. It is a Love that is infinite. Think of the biggest number you got, and it's bigger than that. Well, God's Love is so great for us, humans, that He is willing to take on the form of human flesh and blood -- to experience what we experience, to see, to hear, to eat, to drink, and to suffer -- to redeem us to His Grace. Why? Because human kind fell from that original state of innocence when they took bite out of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve, from a state of innocence in "solitude, unity, and sacred nakedness" (TOB, C. West) lived with God's glory shining through them. And in the original state of innocence, when God created male and female, He blessed them and told them to be fruitful and to multiply. And God did so, creating humans in male and female, in His Divine image of the Trinity. The Father loves the Son, and the Son is obedient to the Father in His love, and from thence, this Love overflows and is the Holy Spirit. Three persons, but one nature, the Divine. And such Love, as unseen as any one on earth could ever imagine or feel, are not altogether unreachable. For in the image of the male and the female persons, God in His infinite wisdom, placed marks and signs of reminder to the Divine Trinitarian Love. And it is in this love that the union between Adam and Eve in the beginning was so. And in that grievous Fault, Adam and Eve became ashamed and obstructed of this love. [My use of language here is very loose, paraphrasing from what I remembered, and it is jumping around because it is my train of thought unedited]. Why? Well, before the Fall, in the beginning, man and woman see and know each other without fear and without reserve, because their love is that of selfless giving, out of their freedom in total giving of self to each other. The urges of lust had not entered into the picture, nor has the idea of using one another as means to pleasure been there. And when man and woman first sow fig leaves to cover themselves, this complete, total, selfless giving is obstructed by lust and other sins. And the glory of God certainly could not permeate through our First Parents as such, when the truth of love is rejected. And the mission of the Christ, our blessed Lord, is to redeem this "fallen nature" of ours, and to bring again to union that Divine Love with the human flesh, as is evident in His Incarnation. And it is precisely in His act of selfless giving, completely out of free will, that Jesus demonstrated to us what love is like before sin. And any union between Man and Woman, must necessarily again, follow this principle for it to be holy.

-- Back to my actual thoughts --

Such were the some of the ideas on my mind on Saturday. I said a prayer for love during Mass and asked God what does He want of me after Holy Communion. Well, throughout the night, and even back during in the day also, God spoke to me in many different ways. But one thing that came to my mind, when Jesus passed by me, during the Eucharist Procession, was the love that God has for me. And it is in that precise manner of love that He expected in return from me -- total giving of the self, in my free will -- to love. And it is in that precise moment that I realized that I don't know if I could totally give of myself without kicking and screaming, and all sorts of misery!

And I was afraid, how could I say that I love God but unable to say to God that I am will to give of myself freely to all that He wills? But I realize that I do not love God any less than I did just a minute ago, but there seemed to be more distance now. And in reflection, how can I say that I love someone, if I cannot give of myself freely without reserve? And I keep telling myself that for one I would -- but then what about the Holy One of the Lord? There seems to be a slight disconnect between my love for Jesus and my love for another. I could say with some degree of certainty that if another had asked me of anything, I would have done with all my being, what is asked of me, well, except in the case where Jesus and the other would ask for this other same thing. Coming back, I do not know if I could say with the same degree of certainty that if Jesus had asked of me that of my love, the same very "love" that I claimed to have, would drive me to do all things.

I know this is vague, but in essence, there is a disconnect between my love of a creature and my love of the Creator. The creature is a sign, a reminder to us, a road sign if you will of how far Heaven is, and what it is like in the Divine Love of God. But if I am obstructed by the road sign, I cannot see the road further. Similarly, I cannot myself be obstructing others on my journey, lest God strike me down for such attempts. But it feels to me that in this day and age, it is already hard enough to find love that satisfies, and that it is immensely more so increasing in difficult to seek that perfect Love of God. I recognize this, and try really hard to always ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts that they may be centered on God. But in life, there ensues a much harder struggle.

The struggle sets in tihs delinma that we are all called to seek that perfect Love, and ask God for that strength, but unless I myself would open my heart to let the Holy Spirit in to guide me in practicing and loving God in all that I am, my faith life is lacking and miserable. But the reverse is also true, because in the giving of self, I would have to sacrifice what I had, what I have, and what I might have in the future, which I realized is the hardest thing to give up of, which makes me equally miserable. I guess it is the problem of obedience versus free will. If I were to be obedient, which is quite easy for me to do in various occasions, growing up in the Asian families trains most kids to be automatic in such issues, I no longer contemplate of my "free will". And in matters that I do, it seems like my obedience binds me in chains and sometimes to things I do not desire but otherwise of guilt and shame for not doing so.

Contrary to most people's experience about finding peace in that "moment" of confirmation, or the retreat high that people get, this is not to say the retreat is bad, I came out affirming my faith, but with a huge bag of questions, thoughts, and anxieties that I had not thought of before. In fact, I find all the singing during Adoration to be quite distracting with the hand motions, it takes away my mind from Jesus and my contemplations. And I do have to say, at the conclusion of the retreat, God had given me what I asked for when I set out to come to Youth 2000. I'm still in the kicking and screaming mode -- and possibly false rationalization stage...

I'm gonna need some major prayers on this one...maybe I have always needed this big prayer, just that I am way to distracted by other stuff...and have finally come to the realization of this "ship" that I am.


TMH

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!